Published on 12, July, 2020
Bit of a ramble but hope someone understands? Two possibly related issues:
Number one
I'm so grateful for the fact that I've come to understand what exhausts me about social interaction, and I've given myself permission to minimise this. So, I've cut down on face to face meetings, I'm saying no to travel, and I'm finding comfort in my routine.
However, success in this is leaving me feeling isolated and lonely, and probably under-stimulated and bored too.
There doesn't seem to be an easy answer to this tension.
Number two
I have great difficulty in being able to work out whether I have any friends or not. I'm happy with my own company (see above) but I do enjoy the mutual support of a friendship. I offer my support to quite a few people (gently) and I have a couple of people who seem to value it and say that they count me as a good friend. However, I haven't found *anyone* who I would say frequently reaches back to me; if I don't put the effort in, I'm alone. It's like I'm always the one chasing.
I find this with family too; I feel that I'm absolutely exhausted feeling obligated to make my parents happy & support my children but no one seems to care about me. If I challenged anyone on this, I can guarantee that the answer would be "But of *course* we care, you're our number one, you're so special, we love you to bits." but no-one does (or rarely does) anything that helps me feel that.
</vent>
I'm with you on most of Number One. I can't say I really feel isolated or lonely, though - maybe because I've spent much of my life preferring my own company, and have never really been bothered about friendships. The understimulation or boredom can be an issue, though. I usually try to deal with that by immersing myself in my interests - pretty much all of which don't require anyone else's input, anyway. So... writing, reading, watching movies, playing computer games occasionally (nothing big - just Solitaire or Crazy Golf or something; I'm not interested in stuff that has hundreds of levels, RPGs, etc). I usually find enough to keep me going. Writing, especially, is good because it means I can drop out of 'real life' and engage in a story. I also enjoy making memes with Gimp, or using it to create pictures. I could use my time much more productively than I do, I know. I could try learning a language or trying to make head or tail of quantum physics... but my concentration level with those kinds of activities is very low. I just get bored too easily. Generally, anything even remotely creative is usually a good way of keeping boredom at bay.
On Number Two. Well... I know there are people who like me. One or two of them drop me a text every now and then. I met up with a friend on Saturday for a coffee. We keep in touch by text, too - but I hadn't actually seen her for over a year before that. We spent about an hour together and caught up a bit. I regard it as a friendship because we go back a long way and have kept in touch. But it's not what most people, probably, would think of as a friendship. We don't meet up regularly. We don't go to each others houses. We don't do activities together. At the same time, like you, I do like being around people - at least, for short periods of time. As long as I know them and can feel comfortable about them, and as long as they can accept me for who I am. My niece and her family are like that. We're easy together, but they understand when I say 'I think I should be heading off now' - generally between one and two hours. At work, I have no choice but to be around people all day. There are staff I feel comfortable with, and those I don't. With the service users, on the other hand - even the most challenging - I'm always in my element. I think maybe it's because we are often like grown-up kids together. And there's unconditional loyalty. No back-stabbing. What you see is what you get! Also, they're vulnerable, so I identify on that level. They bring out the best in me.
Having said all that... I, too, have people who've said they count me as a 'friend'. But they don't really feel like it. It's more like an acquaintanceship. And quite often, I won't hear anything for ages. Same with family, too. I usually make the first contact about something. I think, maybe, it's because friendships require a level of maintenance that I'm simply not up to providing. I can't be doing with regular meet-ups, parties, nights out, networking, etc. I suppose being a loner by disposition, and enjoying nothing better than to be alone for hours or days, means I've perhaps lost (or mislaid) the skills needed - if I ever had them at all. I look at my brother, who's my polar opposite. Hates being alone. Is always out meeting up with friends. Still has friends stretching back to his schooldays almost 60 years ago. If ever he needs advice on something, or a job doing, he has a friend to go to. A friend built his conservatory. He gets a lot of business work through friends. He can do it. I can't.
Wouldn't it be great if a large group of us could crowdfund to buy ourselves an island - just for Aspies! Then we could have all the friends, and all the isolation, we needed!
Just me fantasising again!
Yes I can identify with most of what you say. I have a difficult (high? low?) boredom threshold & I used to love the original Sonic the Hedgehog game on Sega - no faffing about with defining characters, no strategy to plan, just press start and run, jump & kick stuff!
I would actually be up for the odd coffee & meet-up (me & them, me & wife & them, or me & wife & their partner). But I *very* rarely get someone asking me. I offer and offer and then give up - I take it that people aren't interested. And yet, when people comment on me as a person, all I ever hear is that I'm one of the nicest people they know!
Yeah, Isle of Aspie sounds fun :-)
Isle of Aspie ... Amberac. I'd be up for a tenth :) .... www.zoopla.co.uk/.../48766923
In the Strontium Dog story from 2000AD all the mutants lived in the Ghetto of Milton Keynes.