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On a low today

Hellbell
over 5 years ago

It's my birthday, I'm 60 and that is not my issue, quite happy being 60 just wish I was getting my pension!

I have been reading Aspergirls, slowly I might add as I identify with it on almost every page. I have done AQ10 scored 10, AQ spectrum score 36 and a form I found on female aspergers help4 aspergers.com and ticked nearly every item. My GP wants to refer me asap.

I have forms to fill in for ESA my GP and DSA for my course and I feel overwhelmed by it all. It's too much to try to write out my state of being. I know there are people to help but I can't find the will to make contact as I have had bad experiences with PIP before and CAB and it puts me off communicating with people about how i really am. I feel paralysed today.

I have been going over my past and having flashbacks to times, places incidents things that were said are as clear as they are happening now..is this part of the process? Going back and identifying what was missed, lost, negative relationships, bridge burning, isolating? I use to hide under the gooseberry bush when I was little and talk to the fairies I actually saw them as bright lights and they made be feel safe. 

I can feel a panic rumbling underneath, diaz taken, coffee and ciggie and listening to some relaxing music....and watch an old movie later. It stops me from doing my art work when I feel overwhelmed but I have learnt so much over the past 2 weeks about my behaviour I surmise it must be some sort of adjustment issue. 

Being on an MA, I just want to do my academic stuff but we are asked to collaborate and I get so far (i'm the idea/problem solver person) but when it comes to personalities working with others, I get so far and have to been alone and don't want to be around so many talking and NT, I don't get the hierarchy of it when I know I'm right I'm usually proven so later so my bluntness is not welcomed at the time...so I don't bother and prefer solitary things where I have control, as it just upsets and overwhelms me and then I collapse at home and I don't know how to deal with other personalities and agenda's. 

Just had to off load as I have no one to talk to....my care coordinator doesn't know about my GP's diagnosis yet, but my research is pretty solid and my gut and mind tell this is me not all the other diagnosis they label me with.....

I suppose I just feel I could do with a big strong hug, a cry and let it out but have spent so long hiding and masking it holding life together now I know another dimension has entered (which I like) but adjusting is challenging. That alien concept is so true, it is exactly what I feel like and sometimes can't wait for them to pick me up...I just don't get people or mundanes as I call them.

thanks for reading, nice to have a place to be real honest and open where it doesn't scare people or put them off.

Hellbell.

Parents
  • over 5 years ago

    Thank you for your replies and insights. I have taken the decision to let some people know about my struggles, what I can and can’t do. I decided I’m not going to try to fit in and keep quiet and force myself to play the NT game...especially my MA group. I explained that I can cope with small groups but not big collaborations and that I get very exhausted by 3pm after holding it together. That I’m good at organising but not working directly with others...they said ok...you oversee this project and deal with the team leaders only and so small meetings and keep us on track with what needs to be done and when and we’ ll deal with the direct contact with people....I was so amazed....it’s the first time I can do what I’m good at...planning, organising, tracking, researching....and all because my GP freed me from the unknown and I understand what it is I’m dealing with and too communicate clearly my shortfalls and strengths and not misread situations and people. I said I can’t read your expressions when I’m speaking so I don’t know if what I said is ok or not that is why I ask is that ok over and over for verbal honesty....when they look at me they look blank and I don’t make eye contact if I do it’s fleeting and this is where I can shut down or run off....they got it.

    Phew, I wish I knew this before, all those wasted years and job loses, but it can only get better I suppose.

Reply
  • over 5 years ago

    Thank you for your replies and insights. I have taken the decision to let some people know about my struggles, what I can and can’t do. I decided I’m not going to try to fit in and keep quiet and force myself to play the NT game...especially my MA group. I explained that I can cope with small groups but not big collaborations and that I get very exhausted by 3pm after holding it together. That I’m good at organising but not working directly with others...they said ok...you oversee this project and deal with the team leaders only and so small meetings and keep us on track with what needs to be done and when and we’ ll deal with the direct contact with people....I was so amazed....it’s the first time I can do what I’m good at...planning, organising, tracking, researching....and all because my GP freed me from the unknown and I understand what it is I’m dealing with and too communicate clearly my shortfalls and strengths and not misread situations and people. I said I can’t read your expressions when I’m speaking so I don’t know if what I said is ok or not that is why I ask is that ok over and over for verbal honesty....when they look at me they look blank and I don’t make eye contact if I do it’s fleeting and this is where I can shut down or run off....they got it.

    Phew, I wish I knew this before, all those wasted years and job loses, but it can only get better I suppose.

Children
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