Published on 12, July, 2020
It's my birthday, I'm 60 and that is not my issue, quite happy being 60 just wish I was getting my pension!
I have been reading Aspergirls, slowly I might add as I identify with it on almost every page. I have done AQ10 scored 10, AQ spectrum score 36 and a form I found on female aspergers help4 aspergers.com and ticked nearly every item. My GP wants to refer me asap.
I have forms to fill in for ESA my GP and DSA for my course and I feel overwhelmed by it all. It's too much to try to write out my state of being. I know there are people to help but I can't find the will to make contact as I have had bad experiences with PIP before and CAB and it puts me off communicating with people about how i really am. I feel paralysed today.
I have been going over my past and having flashbacks to times, places incidents things that were said are as clear as they are happening now..is this part of the process? Going back and identifying what was missed, lost, negative relationships, bridge burning, isolating? I use to hide under the gooseberry bush when I was little and talk to the fairies I actually saw them as bright lights and they made be feel safe.
I can feel a panic rumbling underneath, diaz taken, coffee and ciggie and listening to some relaxing music....and watch an old movie later. It stops me from doing my art work when I feel overwhelmed but I have learnt so much over the past 2 weeks about my behaviour I surmise it must be some sort of adjustment issue.
Being on an MA, I just want to do my academic stuff but we are asked to collaborate and I get so far (i'm the idea/problem solver person) but when it comes to personalities working with others, I get so far and have to been alone and don't want to be around so many talking and NT, I don't get the hierarchy of it when I know I'm right I'm usually proven so later so my bluntness is not welcomed at the time...so I don't bother and prefer solitary things where I have control, as it just upsets and overwhelms me and then I collapse at home and I don't know how to deal with other personalities and agenda's.
Just had to off load as I have no one to talk to....my care coordinator doesn't know about my GP's diagnosis yet, but my research is pretty solid and my gut and mind tell this is me not all the other diagnosis they label me with.....
I suppose I just feel I could do with a big strong hug, a cry and let it out but have spent so long hiding and masking it holding life together now I know another dimension has entered (which I like) but adjusting is challenging. That alien concept is so true, it is exactly what I feel like and sometimes can't wait for them to pick me up...I just don't get people or mundanes as I call them.
thanks for reading, nice to have a place to be real honest and open where it doesn't scare people or put them off.
Hellbell.
Thank you for your replies and insights. I have taken the decision to let some people know about my struggles, what I can and can’t do. I decided I’m not going to try to fit in and keep quiet and force myself to play the NT game...especially my MA group. I explained that I can cope with small groups but not big collaborations and that I get very exhausted by 3pm after holding it together. That I’m good at organising but not working directly with others...they said ok...you oversee this project and deal with the team leaders only and so small meetings and keep us on track with what needs to be done and when and we’ ll deal with the direct contact with people....I was so amazed....it’s the first time I can do what I’m good at...planning, organising, tracking, researching....and all because my GP freed me from the unknown and I understand what it is I’m dealing with and too communicate clearly my shortfalls and strengths and not misread situations and people. I said I can’t read your expressions when I’m speaking so I don’t know if what I said is ok or not that is why I ask is that ok over and over for verbal honesty....when they look at me they look blank and I don’t make eye contact if I do it’s fleeting and this is where I can shut down or run off....they got it.
Phew, I wish I knew this before, all those wasted years and job loses, but it can only get better I suppose.
Happy Birthday Hellbell - thanks too - I didn't know about Aspiengirls and I'm really interested. Martian Tom I also don't feel much affinity for birth gender, think every individual has a different mix of characteristics and I hate to be pressed to be 'consistently' one or the other. And sending nice thoughts, hope you feel better soon. Think half of feeling so vulnerable is about isolation, it's so good to have this space.
hello and welcome. I'm F, 40s, just diagnosed. If you like "Aspergirls", I can recommend "Nerdy shy and Socially inappropriate" by Cynthia Kim.
Hi Hellbell - and my very best wishes for your birthday. I'm 60 in May. Retirement can't come quickly enough!
Welcome, anyway. It's good to read that your GP seems to be on your side and getting things going. Let's hope you get some progress pretty soon.
I'm actually feeling a lot like you are today. Low, panicky, paralysed. It's all to do with a work situation that I won't bore you with here. I'm stuck in a kind of limbo and can't see a way out yet. I had to ring HR this morning, which was a nerve-racking experience. I, too, struggle with outside agencies - or even agencies with whom I have some closer connection. Part of it is the constant struggle to get across to them that yes, I am an intelligent person, I can drive a car and hold down a job and go shopping and do all the other stuff... but I also have difficulties that most other people don't share. And it isn't because I'm a weakling, or a snowflake, or someone who's just not trying hard enough. I have a condition that affects me in particular ways. So many times, you get 'Many people struggle with this', or 'That's not limited to autistic people', etc. It's so frustrating. So it's worth its weight in gold when you find someone who actually knows and understands. That's why most of us are here, on this forum. This is our safe community.
Flashbacks? I have them all the time - especially to the bad experiences, at school and in later life (including quite recently, with workplace bullying which led to extended sick leave and resignation - part of the reason for my current state). I got my diagnosis in 2015, aged 56, and it was a relief to finally get those answers. To be able to look back on my life and make sense of things. To understand reasons, for instance, why my marriage failed, and why all of my relationships have been failures. Why I've struggled with friendships - other people generally, you might say. Why I struggled at school. Why I've lived in an almost constant state of anxiety (even if at a low level) for more years than I care to remember. Why I can be bright and intelligent, yet struggle with some relatively simple things. Hiding is something I've done a lot. It's really what I'm doing now. I need to do it. Challenges usually switch me straight into flight mode. Writing - my imagination generally - has been my refuge since childhood. It's the only place that I can begin to make sense of what's going on around me.
I wish I had some valium because I feel the need for it today. Like you, I generally find putting on a movie helps me - that is, if I'm unable to write. I can lose myself in the narrative for an hour or two, and the world falls away. The adjustment thing is also quite natural. Suddenly, your whole life can be seen in a new way. I've heard people say that they behave 'more autistically' after diagnosis, but I think it's more (it is for me, anyway) that we're maybe able to behave more naturally: to take off the mask and be ourselves at last (though the mask is probably never far away). It's good, for me, to finally be able to be honest to people. How they take it is up to them. Mostly, I've found people to be understanding and accepting. But the lack of proper understanding is always an obstacle. Being in the minority, we are still liable to be judged in terms of the majority. And NTs have plenty of others around them to validate their behaviours and feelings, so we often have to shout quite loudly to get our voices heard. Even so, sometimes we can't shout loudly enough.
I shouldn't say this, perhaps... but reading your post, and responding to it, has actually made me feel slightly easier in myself today. Hopefully, some of what I and others say can do the same for you. It's good to feel that there are people out there you share common ground with.
What MA are you doing? Fine Arts? Many on here, including myself, will identify with your need for 'aloneness' - for escape from the NT world, with its cliques and gossips and small talk and social pecking orders. The deceits and manipulations that often go with it, too. It's good to get in, shut the door, shut the world out.... and breath at last!
Offload all you like. And consider yourself having a 'virtual hug' - even though I'm not a hugger! You've come to the right place. And my username might give an indication of the 'alien' status I generally feel! Just not here.
It's good to have you with us. Take care, and keep talking.
Best regards,
Tom
PS You might find this interesting if you haven't seen it before. Aspergirls is a good book. Read that a while back. An Aspiegirl friend of mine thinks I'm more typically a female Aspie than a male in many ways! I know I usually identify better with women, and have always preferred the company of women to men. I don't know, really... but I do know that I identify with most of what's on the list in this piece...
Aspiengirls
Hiya, Happy Birthday
Sorry to hear that you’re feeling low today. I was only diagnosed with AS at the end of last year at the age of 37. Many on here have been diagnosed as adults. It’s a strange process isn’t it, when you start putting together all the pieces of the jigsaw and slowly realise that you have ASD and then have to rethink everything that’s happened in your life from the perspective of ASD?
Sorry also that you are feeling overwhelmed by all the forms at the moment. I don’t know if this is helpful but if I’m struggling to get going with doing things I find going for a walk helps, somehow it resets my brain and snaps me out of whatever mood I was in. Do think this might help you? Maybe only attempt one form at a time otherwise it would just be too much.
I struggle working with other too, in as much as I talk far too much about anything that interests me and that can annoy other people.
Here if you need to chat