Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
So I average about 1/2 meltdowns a week. How about you guys?
I can kind of recognise when I am about to fall down the rabbit hole. I try to isolate myself and then start to stim.
Also my meltdown cycle is; anxiety, frustration/anger, despair then a feeling of emptiness for a few days.
Can I ask a question please? I never used to think that I had melt downs as I don’t hit myself around the head or anything BUT what I do get, if I get overwhelmed by stressors is I’ll start crying, like proper sobbing for well over an hour, longer if people in my house are being stupid and continuing to put pressure on me. While I’m in that state I get really dark thoughts of wanting to end my life and stuff, I’m not suicidal it’s just at the time it’s a impulsive thought as it’s the only way I can think of to escape the overwhelming situation that I’m in at that time. The only way I can calm down and stop thinking such thoughts and stop sobbing uncontrollably is to just be on my own in a quiet place away from everyone and everything. Afterwards I tend to need to distract myself, maybe by reading or something, just to snap my mind out of it. Is this like a mild type of meltdown or am I just being a total drama queen?
That sounds like what happens to me when I get upset. It's what lead me to finding this site and I learned, from people on this site, and my support worker, that when this happened, it was because I was upset but because I don't recognise my emotions, they become overwhelming, and all I would know is that I feel like I want to die, which I realised just meant that I wanted the painful emotions or whatever was happening, to stop.
Since I realised all this, I've been able to turn things around. Instead of giving in to the tears, I kind of counsel myself I suppose. I tell myself that I'm ok, because that's the truth, and I somehow pull myself round, much quicker. It depends on the situation as to what I do, but I don't give in to it and I can usually work out what happened much quicker. And even if it takes me a few days, it's better than never really understanding what happened at all.
I've even, in my heart, forgiven my sister (long story) because I can now see my behaviour etc. This was only a few days ago and tonight I got a text message from her!!!
Really well put! As I've said somewhere else on here, I started using a meditation app last year and I've found it really helpful - it starts off by asking how I feel - which is hopeless, cos if only I knew I wouldn't be melting down! But then it asks about how my body is and I've started to be able to figure out what I'm feeling from that. If my head feels tight and buzzing it's anxiety, if I'm hyperventilating and my chest is burning and I'm crying I'm some form of overwhelmed with distress or sadness, if I'm really clenched and wanting to kick or thrash I'm furious. Then it talks you through dealing with the emotion - after I've done the exercise, I usually find I can understand what the issue is much better because I can 'scan' my environment for likely causes of that particular emotion. It's also teaching me other stuff like how to stand in a queue without getting anxious etc. Might not suit everyone and parts of it baffle me (what colour is my emotion? erm . . . I always think 'black' lol) but I'm still finding it really useful.
I'm old and have known about the AS for 20 years, also had a lot of support - and it's still taken all this time just to be more or less sorta kinda functional in the world. I do think AS manifests differently for women though.
Yes, I’m the same with meditation, it’s hugely important to me. I usually do vipassana meditation but I’m not back there yet so I’m doing the guided ones on YouTube.
The one you’re doing sounds helpful. Like you, I’m beginning to understand a little better what’s going on. Some times it takes me 3 or 4 days to get clearer which delights me so much because before diagnosis, I just would never have a clue what was going on. And with gentle, patient, loving kindness, I’m getting there slowly slowly.
I seem to have got into a bit of a rhythm, where I now take one step forward, have a few weeks to process, relax and then wait again to take the next step. Before that, it was like I was taking one step forward and three back but I worked out that I wasn’t going backwards, I was just processing the new information and that if I give myself that time, I don’t go backwards, I can hold my new position and I move on again when I’m ready again.
It took me a year, and 3 support worker to teach me all about baby steps and now I get it, I love living my life at this new snails pace. It suits me.
It sounds like you’re doing great on working out the different emotions, I’m not quite at that stage, but I’m happy with where I’m at. At least I’ve got at least a bit of a clue now :)