Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry - I wasn't going to come here and bother you good people again. But the truth is, I've got nowhere else to go where there might be people who will understand.
I start my new job tomorrow. And I'm scared. Not just the usual night-before jitters that I always get before starting a new job. No - really scared. It's eight weeks now since I was last at my old job, as many of you will know. I went sick that day with a horrible anxiety attack - and I didn't go back. I worked my ticket. While I was off, I had my interview for this new job, and got it. It was such a relief just to give notice and know that at least I didn't have to face that woman again. For all of that, though, the job was perfect for me in so many other ways. The part-time hours were right, the pay was enough. It fit the bill. And it just seemed to drop in my lap right when I most needed it, after my time caring for mum, then the months of coming to terms with her passing. I felt blessed. But it went wrong, and that's all there is to it. And so to now.
The new job will be more demanding in a lot of ways. It's a far bigger organisation, it's full-time hours again (albeit term-time only, so longer holidays), and there's a huge amount to learn. They've already got me on the online courses, and there's over thirty of them - many of them long courses. I hate online learning, too. It doesn't work for me. But there it is.
That's incidental, though. The main thing is... this time off has made me realise just how exhausted I was. How much I needed a break. Since Christmas, when I stopped drinking and started to sleep better, I've been managing 10 hours a night, then still feeling the need for afternoon naps. And by nine in the evening, I'm exhausted again. Through doing very little except keep house, do shopping, read and watch films. I know 'doing nothng' can be tiring. But it's more than that. It's as if I've finally been catching up with what I need. And now it's all going to change again - and change up, too.
I know I have a tendency to think the worst, and it's all unknown... and that, by the end of the week, I may feel a lot better. But the thing I really feel is... it has to work this time. This is the last time. I'm sixty in May. Just a number, but it feels significant. Maybe I've made a mistake in changing jobs so quickly, not giving myself proper time. But I panicked. And I just felt it was what I had to do.
If this doesn't work out, if it proves too much, if it's too soon... I'll burn out. I think that may be actually what I'm experiencing already, with all the sleeping and exhaustion. These last 3 years have been some of my most challenging. The end of a damaging relationship and the fallout from that. Then mum's illness and death. Then the problems in my last job, and what that led to.
I just hope this is the right thing I'm doing. I hope.
But scared is what I am.
I understand that Tom. I’m thinking I’ll be back in work by May, and once or twice a sense of fear has rose up in me, at the thought of working again.
Maybe give it a go. What’s done is done, but this time, continue as you are now, being mindful of your most innate needs. I’m more than two years into my burnout, and I’ve never looked on it in a negative light, because it was just what my body needed. I was exhausted. What’s the best thing to do when the body’s exhausted? ~ give it rest. It’s been well worth it.
You’ve had three extremely difficult years, and losing somebody so precious to you, is a lot for most people, but it’s a known fact that autistic people process such things in different ways and it often takes us longer to process them.
I think you’re realising that it’s time to look after you and be kind to you. Trust your inner most self and if when it comes to the start date, and you really don’t feel up to going, maybe it’s time to take a chance on you, and do what’s best for you. Don’t be hard on yourself. This isn’t an all or nothing situation. It can seem that way, with our black and white thinking, but it could be that you maybe just need more time, more rest, and in a short while, you might be better than ever and raring to go. Or you might decide on something different altogether. But don’t push yourself too hard, you’re still in a very vulnerable position. I am reminded of my vulnerability almost daily, and definitely when my thoughts start to get ahead of me. We are delicate creatures.
For me, I couldn’t take another burn out, so I’m taking much better care of myself now, and things really are working out better than they ever have. When I started learning to trust myself, after I had been to the doctors and requested an autism assessment, that trust began to grow, bit by bit. But no matter how long it takes, what you gain, you never loose.
We all are suited to approaching situations in different ways, so I would just say, you express yourself very well, listen to what you’re saying and allow yourself to give yourself whatever it is you need and trust that, from that, by doing right by yourself, right things will come from it. And it’s definitely not an all or nothing situation. It’s just a moment in time and it may do you good to go, these could just be expected fears around change, new job, have I made the right decision etc etc, or you may really need some good quality rest and time to relax and then maybe reflect. And move forward from there. You don’t owe anything to anybody, so don’t worry about not turning up for the job. But you do owe it to yourself, to do the best for you. You’re a talented and gifted man, you already have lots of achievements behind you, maybe it’s time to focus on all the good and great in you, give yourself what you need and a bit of that same care and attention that you gave to your mum. She would want that, I’m sure. Thinking of you X
Thank you for your kind and wise words, BlueRay. No, it isn't all or nothing, true. I like to give my best to anything and hate to be seen as faltering or inadequate to the task, and I think in this case it's going to mean quite a bit more effort than I've been used to in my other care roles. I genuinely do feel this time that if it doesn't work out, for whatever reason, then it will be time for some longer rest. At the moment, I'm just looking ahead to half-term the week after next. And then another 6 weeks until the Easter break. A day at a time. It's the best way to approach it. That sounds like a contradiction, but you know what I mean. Take it day by day, because there are breaks ahead soon.
Yes, the processing of these last few years is still going on, and will continue to for a long time. I'm finding that doing some writing again, and using it to look at some of these issues - at one remove, as it were, through a character - is helping the process along. Sometimes, it brings me quite close to tears - something that is good, I think, because I've been pretty buttoned-up and 'getting on with life' since it all began. I probably didn't give myself enough chance to rest, but I felt the equally important need to keep moving. It catches up in so many ways. Even my divorce, which was 15 years ago, is starting to take up more space in my mind again - almost like I'm coming round from the anaesthetic I self-induced at the time. In many senses, the way it all 'ended' wasn't really an ending. It wasn't closed down. It still feels like a lot of unfinished business, emotionally. I need to work it through - and again, the writing is something I'm using.
Anyway... I need to get moving. Thanks again for your words.
Tom x