Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry - I wasn't going to come here and bother you good people again. But the truth is, I've got nowhere else to go where there might be people who will understand.
I start my new job tomorrow. And I'm scared. Not just the usual night-before jitters that I always get before starting a new job. No - really scared. It's eight weeks now since I was last at my old job, as many of you will know. I went sick that day with a horrible anxiety attack - and I didn't go back. I worked my ticket. While I was off, I had my interview for this new job, and got it. It was such a relief just to give notice and know that at least I didn't have to face that woman again. For all of that, though, the job was perfect for me in so many other ways. The part-time hours were right, the pay was enough. It fit the bill. And it just seemed to drop in my lap right when I most needed it, after my time caring for mum, then the months of coming to terms with her passing. I felt blessed. But it went wrong, and that's all there is to it. And so to now.
The new job will be more demanding in a lot of ways. It's a far bigger organisation, it's full-time hours again (albeit term-time only, so longer holidays), and there's a huge amount to learn. They've already got me on the online courses, and there's over thirty of them - many of them long courses. I hate online learning, too. It doesn't work for me. But there it is.
That's incidental, though. The main thing is... this time off has made me realise just how exhausted I was. How much I needed a break. Since Christmas, when I stopped drinking and started to sleep better, I've been managing 10 hours a night, then still feeling the need for afternoon naps. And by nine in the evening, I'm exhausted again. Through doing very little except keep house, do shopping, read and watch films. I know 'doing nothng' can be tiring. But it's more than that. It's as if I've finally been catching up with what I need. And now it's all going to change again - and change up, too.
I know I have a tendency to think the worst, and it's all unknown... and that, by the end of the week, I may feel a lot better. But the thing I really feel is... it has to work this time. This is the last time. I'm sixty in May. Just a number, but it feels significant. Maybe I've made a mistake in changing jobs so quickly, not giving myself proper time. But I panicked. And I just felt it was what I had to do.
If this doesn't work out, if it proves too much, if it's too soon... I'll burn out. I think that may be actually what I'm experiencing already, with all the sleeping and exhaustion. These last 3 years have been some of my most challenging. The end of a damaging relationship and the fallout from that. Then mum's illness and death. Then the problems in my last job, and what that led to.
I just hope this is the right thing I'm doing. I hope.
But scared is what I am.
Thanks, folks
It wasn't too bad. The big bugbear is that there's no parking on site, so parking close by is always unpredictable and quite a stressor. You don't know whether you're going to have to walk a short way or a long way, so the only thing to do is leave home very early in case you have to search around. I managed to find a space that was only 10 minutes away, which wasn't too bad. But then, of course, I had over 40 minutes to kill. Leaving home just 5 minutes later, though, can make a colossal difference.
Most of it today was just an introduction to policies and procedures. We were supposed to be getting our computer logins, too, and getting access to some online training they wanted us to do today. But there'd been a glitch and HR hadn't sorted it out, so we all got to leave early - which was a bonus. The inductees group was quite friendly, anyway - though they're all in different departments, so we probably won't see much of one another. The ethos seems very professional and standards are high, which is good. It knocks my last place completely for six.
I learned that my line manager is one of the women who interviewed me, and she's really good and supportive. I was also told to voice any concerns I might have about the work having any impact on me regarding my autism - again, very reassuring. On the downside, I learned there is very much a 'them and us' culture between the tutors and the support staff. Support staff aren't allowed to use the tutors' staff room. They aren't even allowed to use their kettle to make a cup of tea! How petty can you get?
Tomorrow, I'll be spending some time on my department. I've been told that it's quite demanding because of the staff/student ratios. Huge amounts to learn, too.
On the whole, today's experience was positive, anyway. A day at a time.
Im pleased it went well for you. Good luck for tomorrow