Problems with authority/feeling harassed

Hi NAS50557, yes, I can relate.

I recognised, after many years, and before I got my diagnosis, that I had this same problem and over the years, it got me either into a lot of trouble or like you, I would shut down and therefore block any opportunity of developing any kind of relationship with the other person, or even myself, because at that time, I simply didn’t understand it and I would feel upset with myself because of my reaction on top of the actual misunderstanding that I was feeling bad about as well, which I couldn’t fully understand at the time. 

Of course, being autistic, I thought everybody was like this, but I noticed, over the years, that most most weren’t like that. I would notice these weird friendly relationships between managers and workers and how workers wouldn’t take things so personally or they wouldn’t have such violent reactions to being told no. I was amazed at how they could do that and equally amazed that I couldn’t! It was a complete mystery to me. 

It wasn’t until I got into an intimate relationship with somebody who didn’t have the same problem, that I began to get some understanding around it and I was able to slowly, do something about it. 

I realised that no matter what my reaction was, the reaction was mine and I could see that it was an over reaction on my part but without awareness of autism, it was difficult to understand it, but even without autism awareness, I was able to do something about it. 

I could never change my initial reaction, but I did learn to not react so strongly to my reaction, if that makes sense. For example, if my manager said no to me, I would get that feeling of being trapped, like they had control of me and I would just tell myself that that’s not true, it’s just something in me that was reacting to being told no so I would sort of counsel myself, talk to myself. I would tell myself it’s ok, they just said no. It doesn’t mean they hate me and want to control me, it just feels like that to me.

I found ways of soothing myself and bringing myself out of it so that I at least didn’t make the situation any more difficult than it was and certainly now I have much more understanding and awareness of autism and how it relates to me, I can do more about it. 

Where there’s a will there’s a way so you can find ways of getting around this and I’ve found, that after a lot of practice, I no longer feel that initial sting of ‘they’re trying to control me’ as strongly and I can certainly bring myself out of it much quicker now. Although we feel different things at different times so I’m not always able to catch it so quickly. 

But because I understand it now, I no longer give myself a hard time over it. I’m much kinder to myself and as a result, even though I never got comfortable with the whole employee/boss easy going friendly type of relationship, I was able to manage the feelings in me much better, which of course, made the life better and more in harmony for everybody. 

For me, it boils down to self awareness and understanding and finding ways of soothing myself and being able to at least manage it to the degree that it wasn’t causing the huge problems that it used to cause for me.

Be kind, gentle, understanding and patient with yourself (and others) and you can overcome it. You might never take away that initial feeling entirely, but you can learn to recognise it when it happens and have strategies that you’ve learned in place ready, to handle it when it happens. It takes practice and time, never give yourself a hard time if you do react and it causes a misunderstanding. None of us reacts perfectly all the time. 

So yeah, I would say keep on learning about autism and understanding how it relates to you, get to know yourself better and find ways to respond to these situations with plenty of self soothing techniques and giving yourself time out etc etc. 

Good luck with it. The first part of coming up with any kind of solution is recognising the difficulty in the first place then looking at what you can do to address it. Are you getting any autism support from anywhere? And also, when you have a good understanding of autism and how it effects you, it’s easier to convey that or to communicate that to others and I’ve found that my autism worker helps me to find ways of doing that. She even gave me a rubber bracelet thing that is green on one side and says happy to talk and red on the other that says please leave me alone. So if I’m in a situation where I can feel myself getting upset or closing down, I can simply put it on the red side, show the person and then take myself somewhere quite so I can gently soothe myself and bring myself out of it and to feeling calm again. There are lots of tips and tricks and aids that we can learn and use to help us and we can find ways of bringing our managers and others onboard as well, if we treat them with kindness and understanding and patience and realise how difficult it must be for them, to try and get an understanding of what it must be like for us. We have to help them understand and sometimes we need help to do that and the government is currently keen to spend money on autism support in the workplace so there is help out there, you just have to look and be patient as it might take a while to get the help, but you’ll get it if you’re patient. 

I'm so glad someone else has felt the same things and can relate, about shutting down and blocking any attempt at building a relationship.  When I step back from the situation I can see it's stupid, and it's only recently I've noticed that it's happened to me over and over and doesn't seem to happen to other people.  What you say makes a lot of sense, and I need to try and find my own way of working through it.  

I'm not getting any support at the moment from anywhere, but have just applied (last night) for access to work help.  I'm not sure I'm eligible as I'm on the waiting list for an assessment, but it's worth asking.  I said our occupational health company have said they can't help as they have no experience or expertise in autism.  Did you get help through access to work?

Thanks for your reply and sharing your experience.  Makes me feel better other people have the same struggles and don't just tell me to 'play the game.'  

I'm so glad someone else has felt the same things and can relate, about shutting down and blocking any attempt at building a relationship.  When I step back from the situation I can see it's stupid, and it's only recently I've noticed that it's happened to me over and over and doesn't seem to happen to other people.  What you say makes a lot of sense, and I need to try and find my own way of working through it.  

I'm not getting any support at the moment from anywhere, but have just applied (last night) for access to work help.  I'm not sure I'm eligible as I'm on the waiting list for an assessment, but it's worth asking.  I said our occupational health company have said they can't help as they have no experience or expertise in autism.  Did you get help through access to work?

Thanks for your reply and sharing your experience.  Makes me feel better other people have the same struggles and don't just tell me to 'play the game.'  

I understand what that’s like ~ having plans in my head to do this, that and the other, then none of it happens ~ it’s almost like I see everything slipping through my fingers and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s kind of soul destroying. 

There are no easy answers 50557. I have found that I seem to have a tendency to set myself high goals. They might not seem high to some people, but I don’t seem to take my autism into consideration so it’s almost like I set myself up to fail. As I started to notice all this, I started to learn to be kinder to myself. 

I don’t know what to say really. It’s hard sometimes to know what to say when talking on line like this. 

You know yourself better than anybody else and how much stress you can tolerate etc and what’s best for you. 

Whstever you decide to do will be the right decision. You’ll make the best decision at the time to the best of your knowledge, awareness and experience etc. 

I opted out of working for somebody else because no matter what I do, no matter how much I fit in, it’s just not right for me. So I decided I would find a way of working for myself. 

I wish you all the best, I really do and I wish I could say one thing that would take some of the stress off your shoulders to enable you to be able to bring some level of peace into the situation so that it doesn’t look so dark. 

You sound like you have a lot of skills and good qualities. Maybe focus on them and determine to find a company where your particular gifts and qualities will be just what they’re looking for. Good luck, whatever direction you decide to take. 

You just have to somehow find a way of communicating to your manager etc what you’ve explained here, about how your colleagues don’t put the same demands on you as your manager does and therefore they don't get the same reactions from you. 

It’s not easy for us to explain ourselves  or for somebody else to understand us, but we don’t give in because when we do, the problem follows us and stays with us for all the days of our lives. 

But the cause of the problem goes underground when we give in and we get to a point that we don’t even know it’s there, even though it’s still causing problems, and then we go around blaming everyone and anyone but ourselves for the cause of our problems (because the real cause went underground) so they never get resolved, because we are the only ones who can do anything about anything to do with us. 

I've tried explaining that my line manager is very difficult to talk to, which has been raised by others!  and other people are a lot easier.  I do struggle to explain myself, especially because I know my employers have no understanding of autism, as they've said.  

I am getting to the point of giving in, and I am starting to update my cv and look for another job, as I've been told unless I can have friendly conversations, no matter how good my work, I'll lose my job.  These issues have come up in the past, and I'm sure if I walk away they'll come up again. So I do want to try and tackle it, and I do really want to stay.  I get frustrated with myself because I tell myself I'll go in that day and do this and that etc, but I get in feel like I've been swallowed by that environment.  If I could just go in and do the job I'd be fine!

Don’t give up. 

Their worries are legitimate. There’s nothing to argue with there. For example, if you haven’t yet found a way to be able to receive as given and therefore follow and carry out basic instructions, because you have perceived  the instructions in a way they weren’t intended, then you simply need to find ways around it, that’s all. 

You just have to somehow find a way of communicating to your manager etc what you’ve explained here, about how your colleagues don’t put the same demands on you as your manager does and therefore they don't get the same reactions from you. 

It’s not easy for us to explain ourselves  or for somebody else to understand us, but we don’t give in because when we do, the problem follows us and stays with us for all the days of our lives. 

But the cause of the problem goes underground when we give in and we get to a point that we don’t even know it’s there, even though it’s still causing problems, and then we go around blaming everyone and anyone but ourselves for the cause of our problems (because the real cause went underground) so they never get resolved, because we are the only ones who can do anything about anything to do with us. 

So I’m not saying, stay at a job you’re not enjoying, but still go after finding ways of dealing with this, even if it’s not in this particular work setting, if that makes sense? 

As I said, it’s not easy for us to understand ourselves and it’s even more difficult for others to understand us. For example, how could somebody else easily understand this about me :~

I can meet somebody I really like, say at a pottery group or even work or wherever. I might really get on well with the person, be having fun with them, I’m relaxed, I’m enjoying their company, we’re really getting on well. But then, if they were to suggest that we maybe meet for coffee or something, I will instantly want to kill them, stone dead

I will literally want to drag them to the floor, by their hair and punch and kick them and let them know how much I hate them and I would want to keep on kicking and screaming until this weird feeling/reaction in me has subsided. I guess when I was a kid and had a meltdown, I would probably just sleep afterwards and all would be well, but I can’t react like this as an adult, even though the impulse in me hasn’t changed, but I have had to change how I react to my inner reactions. 

And I’ve learned how to not react by kicking and screaming and also, the weird thing is, at the same time, I (used to anyway) think I wanted people to invite me for coffee’s etc!!! 

But regardless of what I want, my inner autism can often just goes crazy, all by itself, even when somebody does something really nice for me. 

Of course, I don’t kick off anymore (by kicking and screaming) and react to that initial feeling like I did as a kid, but it’s still there, the reaction or impulse in me is still there. 

I think what I’m trying to say is, we might be autistic but we can find ways around things. 

For example, with the right support, you and your manager might find different ways of her communicating information to you ~ there are more ways to communicate information other than verbally or sign language or written ~ you can find ways that work for you both in a way that enables you to see it for what it is, understand it and therefore get on with it. There are more than one way to skin a cat ~ not that I’ve ever tried to skin a cat! 

I thought that for me to be liked and for me to fit in, etc etc etc, I should be invited out for coffees etc, but most of the time that’s not really what I wanted anyway, so my innate reaction to want to KILL them also got mixed with, but I want to go for coffee with them which (wasn’t true) but even so, I believed it at the time and it made it even more confusing and difficult to deal with. 

This s**t is hard for me to work out and understand so I think it’s virtually impossible for somebody else to understand. 

But they don’t need to know all the inns and outs. Your manager just needs to know the basics in how it pertains to you at work and you can find new ways around it so you can continue to get the work done. 

We mostly don’t like to be put out and to find new ways of doing things etc, but it’s always worth the effort and that will be the same for us as well as your manager and co workers. 

If you give in now, the problem won’t go away, and it will present itself again and again in your life and will keep on doing so until you find a solution. 

For example, do some work around this, brainstorm it, write down different ways that your manager could use to communicate the information to you without you taking it the wrong way. You can go crazy with this. Don’t think of something and then immediately think, ‘well that will never happen’, because you don’t know that and at this stage, you’re just getting creative, thinking of all the ways that would help. The crazier the ideas the better it is sometime as they can sometimes lead to the very solution. 

For example, you might write, she must come to work wearing a snow man outfit and she must write her requests out on toilet paper and deliver them to me via Santa’s little elf! Have fun. It’s a way of getting out of the rigid thinking mind and  into a more creative mindset where the solutions are just waiting to be found. 

Maybe there’s someone at your workplace who you really trust and get on with and maybe they can act as a bit of a go between? I don’t know. Every situation is unique, just like you are, but just because situations and people are unique and that they don’t therefore always fit into the already established structures, it doesn’t mean you can’t find a new way. And who’s to say the new way isn’t going to be a better way and not just for you? You might find a way of doing things that others may adopt as well. 

And don’t think of this is a fight. It’s not. It’s simply you learning about yourself, how you fit into the world etc and how you can find creative solutions to enable you to stay in the workplace doing a job you want to do. 

I know that’s a long reply. But you’ve got so much awareness and you’re doing so well, I don’t want you to loose what I’m sure you’ve worked hard to build up. 

As autistic people, we are going to constantly and consistently come across what could be seen as barriers ~ this is a given, given we’re so different ~ so begin to see them as simply, this is the way life is, how can I make this situation easy for myself and others and if I can’t, learn to accept it and move on. 

Life is a big playground. Best of luck with it all. 

Thanks for your reply!  

I've been told my work is excellent, but the problems with my line manager causes them concern as they can't trust me to do what I've been told and take basic instruction.  And due to my condition I interpret some policies incorrectly so they don't think I'm capable of doing my job.  I'm basically facing dismissal at this moment, and the main reason is because I don't get on with my line manager.  They see me talking to other members of staff ok but not to her, which they have classed as selective communication problems.  But to me, the other members of staff haven't tried to control me and don't tell me I need to look at them and talk to them.  I'm close to just giving up with it all really.  Your experience is helpful though, and does make me want to keep trying.  

Hi, yes, that’s right, you’ll find your way. My first support worker, who wasn’t a specialist in autism at all, she was a well being officer for the local social services, but she taught me that we would try things, and if they don’t work, it’s ok, we’ll try something else. She helped me to learn how to explore, in my own way, what helps me and what doesn’t and how I can make the most of these unique gifts. She used to tell me, who says your way isn’t the right way? Who says everyone else isn’t getting it wrong? She was really great, and still keeps in touch with me. 

It takes time, but it’s a life long thing anyway, so you might as well take it easy and enjoy the journey. 

I then got support through autism plus, via the job centre, for a limited time, 4 months. They said I could pay privately and continue the sessions, but that wasn’t an option for me at that time. And I have just recently been referred back to them, by reed’s better lives program, again, via the job centre. 

I’ve been totally rude to my advisor at reed, every time I’ve seen her and she’s been totally amazing.  I don’t know how they work out what I need (or put up with me) when I don’t even know, but I guess if I knew, I wouldn’t need the help! And I’m even getting to like the woman now. It just takes me a little while to warm to people, it seems. 

I’m not an easy person to support so if I can be helped, anyone can! Just keep going until you get the right help. It’s invaluable, you just have to be willing to put in the work, which is not easy, especially for an autistic like me! 

But it’s not silly, you know, the way we react. I know what you mean though, but I grew to accept that it’s just part of who I am. I don’t try and change it, I’m finding ways around it and I’m currently working towards working for myself now anyway. Because there are too many other things about the normal work place that don’t suit me, that this was my only option for a stress free life. 

Anyway, best of luck with it all. Keep going, and don’t stop until you get what you want, but take it easy, and always be good to you. I think you’re doing great.