Published on 12, July, 2020
Usually I would discuss these types of issues with my mentor or therapist, but unfortunate timing means I face the difficult task of my first ever informal disclosure without either of their assistance, so I was hoping some people here would give me some advice and feedback.
I am a final year university student and for the next semester I have to work full time in the lab. I begin on Monday. I have never disclosed my diagnosis before. Last summer I worked in a different lab and it was hell. I was treated like a child and it drove me to the point of being suicidal. I don't want this semester to go the same way, as I have lost my support network and if I end up in the same place as in the summer, I will not survive. I feel like disclosing is the only hope I have of making the work environment more tolerable and at least giving me something to report if I am mistreated by those who supervise me.
I have been trying to plan out what to say. I plan to disclose to whoever is first training me, just before they begin to teach me. Here's what I've come up with:
My main concerns are 1) chickening out or forgetting, hence having to act neurotypical for the duration of my placement, or 2) starting talking about it and tearing up, because I'm in a bad place mentally and talking about things like this can make me irrationally emotional.
Can any one give me any advice or share any of their own experiences?
I have decided to email them, but I am waiting for my mentor to reply and approve my email. Unfortunately it's all too late. Today none of those meant to be supervising me have even approached me, meaning that I'm getting no work done. This is what I feared. I've work my ass off for 4 years, and yet this project is the biggest part of my degree, and it's quite possible I won't even complete it because of my AS.
Try not to worry aralez ~ what you’re doing there is catastrophic black and white thinking, that we, as autistic people, are prone to.
Is there any body there at all that you can talk to, even if it’s just to share your fears, so you can be reassured. If we keep our fears to ourselves we start believing them and I’m sure they’re not true, I’m sure that things will get sorted for you and your hard work will pay off.
It most certainly is not because people don't like you, I can assure you of that.
However, I know that feeling. My default setting is that everybody hates me, but I've slowly learned, over the years, that that's not true ~ but it doesn't stop me from thinking it, the moment I feel uneasy, which is usually any time I'm in somebody's company ~ but most of the time (although not always 'at' the time) I can reason with my mind and feel relatively sure they don't hate me and it's just my mind doing it's thing. It has taken me practice to get to this stage though.
It can be extremely frustrating and disheartening when we aren't as assertive as we would like to be. But we learn to be more assertive over the years, it's not generally a skill that most of us have and certainly nobody is assertive and confident in all situations.
I hope it all gets sorted for you soon
Unfortunately there is no one I can talk to other than the course supervisor, and she's not very sympathetic. Also, that would put an end to me working with the research group, and I don't know how I would complete my degree then. Everytime I enter a work environment I end up in this situation, I think it's because I'm not assertive enough and people don't like me.