Boyfriend with autism flirting with other girls?

I'm going to be blunt here.

Where do you draw the line between staring, and looking. That's a subjective thing.

People in general tend to look at people they are attracted to, or even interested in a non-sexual way.

I'd say that autism has nothing to do with it either. I certainly wouldn't use it as an excuse myself, but that's just me. As for flirting I think most people with autism struggle with flirting, so I'd kind of rule that out. I'm not 100% sure of your situation, but it's not really a thing. I wouldn't rule it out though.

NAS50448 said:

So autism makes guys stare at other girls and flirt with other girls even though he is in a relationship? 

No, the will to stare and flirt does, as does the will to see something as staring and flirting. Autism isn't the issue here.

I'd take autism out of the equation, and just talk frankly about it.

Autistic traits vary enormously in levels, I stare , maybe more than is comfortable, it isn’t to objectify in a sexual way, interest , data , and yes being truthful, why can’t beauty exist in more than one person, doesn’t mean I want that person in any way, it is apparently seen as ok to leer after an unavoidable film star or model, I see that as being unfaithful to the partner, maybe as it is seen unachievable or out of their league it isn’t seen as a challenge so much. Still an insult to the partner, 

He does need to see the effect it has on his partner as to exist together and be happy a certain amount of understanding needs to be agreed and worked at, the fact it does upset her and she has told him so he should alter his ways purely as a way of being kind knowing how it effects her, not use his diagnosis as a justification, 

 she has come here looking for answers, if you like altering her natural ways to try and see his point of view, a partnership has to be worked at by both and flexibility allowed and worked at if both want to be together, 

not change completely but see what causes issues and be understanding and care enough to alter , 

thank you cloudy it all helps the op to try and see what may be going on,

take care my friend, 

( edited spelling mistakes,)

Autistic traits vary enormously in levels, I stare , maybe more than is comfortable, it isn’t to objectify in a sexual way, interest , data , and yes being truthful, why can’t beauty exist in more than one person, doesn’t mean I want that person in any way, it is apparently seen as ok to leer after an unavoidable film star or model, I see that as being unfaithful to the partner, maybe as it is seen unachievable or out of their league it isn’t seen as a challenge so much. Still an insult to the partner, 

He does need to see the effect it has on his partner as to exist together and be happy a certain amount of understanding needs to be agreed and worked at, the fact it does upset her and she has told him so he should alter his ways purely as a way of being kind knowing how it effects her, not use his diagnosis as a justification, 

 she has come here looking for answers, if you like altering her natural ways to try and see his point of view, a partnership has to be worked at by both and flexibility allowed and worked at if both want to be together, 

not change completely but see what causes issues and be understanding and care enough to alter , 

thank you cloudy it all helps the op to try and see what may be going on,

take care my friend, 

( edited spelling mistakes,)

No problem, good reading more of your opinions LW. This post especially made me reminisce on some of the good and bad things at school.

I was constantly in trouble at school for "not listening", "being in my own world", and "acting aloof". I got sent to a shrink at 13.

Looking back one of the main problems were flourescent lights. They are literally my worst obstacle in general everyday life, in the way of negative sensory experience anyway. They fill my head with noise, scraping feelings, and basically a kind of "pain". The fucking things are everywhere in schools. I'd be in class with my eyes closed, I'd walk out of lessons, and sit in toilets. I even grew my hair long to hide my eyes. I'd be talking under my breath to calm myself. I'd always have my work done though, and have managed to pick up what the teachers said (when I wasn't in the loo!). Some teachers were cool about it, they knew something was up. They knew I wasn't a bad kid. Others were complete dicks however. Looking back it was strange which teachers actually "understood", there wasn't really any consistancy between sex, age, race, or weirdly strictness. Some of the stricter teachers were the easiest, because they'd actually judge me on the merit of my work, or the effort put in. I'd always "zone out" in things like History, English, and Geography. I'd end up visualising the stories, scenarios, or places. I'd be listening, but in hindsight probably too much! Luckily enough I had some pretty cool teachers in those subjects. I got on well with most of the Science faculty too, there were two teachers over the years I couldn't stand, and they couldn't stand me either. Neither side was subtle about it either.

I'd often challenge inaccuracies, or ask a teacher why they were giving an opinion, or expecting one when it wasn't really a matter for it. Some teachers would encourage it, others were less open to questioning.

I'd also get into trouble for not wearing shoes in class. Taking my shirt off and wearing a vest on hot days. Never wearing a blazer. Lots and lots of clothing problems, which I now know are to do with my hypersensitivities, and hyposensitivities.

I was on report for 3 years, even though it was clear I had a problem. I wouldn't help myself because I never went to detention, or handed in my report, let alone get it filled in.

I was angry most days, and so, so, tired. I barely slept, and then..........

) ( said:

I needed to focus  and to block every noise shuffle sound if clothing echoey teachers vouce, sunlight streaming through the window, it was over whelming my senses, so like the fish tank I focused in one thing to block all else out, needed to, 

That. Exactly what you say, for 7 hours everyday. I'd be in trouble for sneaking headphones under my hair to stop the unexpected noise. Lol, yeah, listening to music is cool, but I hated all the cacophony of noise that I wasn't expecting.

I ended up getting suspended so much (I liked it, I could work in peace) that in the end I spent most of my time in "internal suspension", outside one of the teachers that was considered strictests office. The other teachers didn't even like him. We got to know each other pretty well over a few months. He became quite friendly towards me, and I grew to like him. He looked like a garden gnome, dressed like Alan Partridge, and he spoke in a clipped accent, like a stereotypical Britsh bad guy in a Hollywood film.

For all the hate that teacher got, he summed everything up one day. "I don't like you sitting here all day Cloudy, you aren't learning anything. You are weird, challenging, and I don't see that as a problem. You do your work, you're a good student workwise, and you are good natured, with the students and staff." I'll never forget what he said next. "Your problem is people don't know what to do with you, lazy thinkers are the problem, and I don't like it". "I've let you turn off the light outside here, I know you've got headphones on, and god only knows why you always have your shoes off". "I've noticed all your work is done, and you turn up early to come here.". "I think you'll be better off away from here, you'll be OK son." I thought, wow, he's been looking and noticed everything. THIS was the guy who was ultra-strict, he'd figured me out, let me do what helped me, and actually got frustrated about it. I'll never forget that. Sometimes the people we don't expect understand most. Derek was a good guy underneath the veneer!

I wasn't diagnosed until 33 years after I left school, and I wouldn't put all of my problems down to autism. I was a *** at times. It's weird looking back on it all. I can't change it now, so I don't let it get to me. I did when I was first diagnosed, but now it's passed.

Again it was interesting reading your post and relating to the whole experience of being undiagnosed at school!

Thanks cloudy, glad this topic and some of what I have written gave you things to think about, I find a great deal of different topics that suddenly ping! They seem poignant to me,  mirror my own experiences, things I do that I never really thought about but reading a new post allows me to connect in some way, it is all about different levels or severity, but a common understanding nether the less, 

It all helps to not only see and understand a particular trait but to see ways of minimising or working out a strategy to cope better,

 learning is key, understanding it exists, knowing it may cause issues in the world be try to exist in, yes working hard to fit, nit healthy but we are out numbered and therefore it isn’t an option to always be true to self, getting by, finding ways to exist within it, 

I found your words extremely fascinating,,, i was always told, “ your day dreaming not paying attention”  I then picked up my book which had every word the teacher had spoke that we were told to write down, I was writing but appeared and was looking to one side, transfixed on the leg of a table? Yes I was writing words whilst staring elsewhere, not totally in a different direction but enough to make the teacher think I wasn’t taking notice, I was focused so hard in her words and struggling to put the written words down on paper, dyslexia issues, ear, brain, eye, hand coordination. 

Trying to link all together I needed to focus  and to block every noise shuffle sound if clothing echoey teachers vouce, sunlight streaming through the window, it was over whelming my senses, so like the fish tank I focused in one thing to block all else out, needed to, 

really good to share all these thoughts.

 Thank you and take care. 

) ( said:

I can only say  that the basis of any good relationship that has any chance of a happy continuation has to be on understanding and ability to see the others side of things,

I think you and I kind of follow the same protocols and values.

This in particular rang true with me.....

) ( said:

negating ones own needs or self to keep a relationship going isn’t healthy and will not work, 

I think that it's really important to keep a strong sense of self, and in turn allow the other person to. It only ends up in resent, regret, and ultimately, faliure.

I don't understand it when someone gets into a relationship, falls in love, and then expects the other person to completely change from the person that they fell in love with just because they are in a relationship. What's the point in any of it if you want them to be someone else! When things get into "serious" relationship territory some people want to completely remold the other person it makes no sense to me!

The staring thing is just a small issue that could be resolved with a little considerate discussion though. I have issues with eye contact but that's another thing, I'll get into that later though!

) ( said:

We debate how we all see it from our perspective, this st least gives her many possibilities to why he does what he does, wether she thinks he just does it because he can blame his autism or if it is a genuine inability to just stop.

Yeah, it's best that people are all giving their opinion, and experiences. It gives a far more nuanced source.

I've had two long term relationships where my issues with eye contact was an issue. I don't really think about making it. I don't feel uncomfortable making eye contact as such, I just talk to people and look at anything. I also get transfixed on things, and I'll be looking at an object but I will hold a full conversation. I was never told not to do it growing up either, my family, and my oldest friends are used to it.

I remember I had a "childhood sweetheart", we were on and off from about the age of 14 until the age of about 22. Complicated stuff but we knew each other well. She never ever got frustrated about my "wandering eye", she was used to me looking at trees, paintings, patterns, everything but her on most occasions. She'd moved away for uni and I moved in with her for a while. She had a bunch of new friends, I got to know a few of them well, nice people. She had one friend who was "the belle of the ball", and was used to attention. Me being me I'd be staring at dents on a jerry can, pier lights, or a shops opening hours, and things of the like when I used to speak to her. We went out and she was drunk, and said "Cloudy! Look at me when I speak to you!". I just said "Why? Carry on.", and kept looking at the shops. She called me a wanker, and walked off. All of the girls were giggling. I thought nothing of it, she was over dramatic anyway. My girlfriend at the time said on the way home "That was hilarious". I asked why, she said "She's so used to telling people not to look at her like meat, she actually thinks it's funny to be mouthy to people that look at her". Obviously she didn't like not being looked at either! I said "Well I know that now, but more importantly I know that shop delivers now". We had a pretty "romantic" night after that.

When I first got with my ex, she got really mad at me one night at a restaurant. It was very bright, and shiny (Graham has a good phrase for the synaesthesia, visually noisy!). We were near a big fish tank thing, I was staring at it for ages just to keep out all of the visual noise, it had a soothing look. I was trying to keep calm by looking at the tank.  I followed the conversation completely, but she said "Will you look at me? It feels like you aren't listening". I said "I've been looking at you all night and listening." I told her everything that she'd said, and my answers. Then I told her she had a beauty mark on her little finger, and on her elbow. A scar on her right calf. The hair grip on the back of her head was in dark wood and in the shape of a bee. Her watch was 5 minutes fast. That she'd found the starter too hot because she kept having to blow her nose. That on the way she'd said that she should have worn a jacket, that's why I'd sat in a seat near the heater. She looked at me, smiled, and said "***, you're weird", then kissed me. We were talking about it after my diagnosis and laughing. I told her "I was looking at the fish tank thing to keep my *** together!".

I've had my fair share of stick from some for NOT staring or looking, and what not! I sometimes think it's easier for me to just think that it's just me, and not tie it to autism. Autism has as many pros as cons for me. I've had some good experiences because of it.

Reading this thread is pretty interesting though. Other people's experiences are interesting. I people watch but not in the conversational sense I guess.

Long post, but yeah, this thread has got me thinking LW!

Thanks cloudy, As is my way I try to see it from both sides, I also try to think of how I feel and adjust the potential level of that to try and see if it is how someone else on the spectrum might feel. 

So yes I stare , but we are all different, I then try to see into how someone similar ie on the spectrum may see or do things but with a stronger emphasis to it. 

I can only say  that the basis of any good relationship that has any chance of a happy continuation has to be on understanding and ability to see the others side of things,

yes a certain amount of tolerance although that’s a strong word, maybe an ability to flex a little knowing no two people can ever truly be perfect for each other, it has to be a want to understand because it’s a good thing, not a must change regardless to fit, negating ones own needs or self to keep a relationship going isn’t healthy and will not work, 

Open dialogue is key, then a want to see each other’s ways, talk about how it effects each one,  then both find a way to minimise a known issue, a mutually wanted change, Must add that giving support is also very important, 

Fact he stares, glaring, peeking watching every move.

 Surely if she has mentioned how it upsets her he should when in her presence stop staring and focus more on her. It isn’t that difficult, 

He May be a complete douche  bsg,,, h pe May be just totally unable to stop focusing in staring because iphe has that issue or trait,

 We debate how we all see it from our perspective, this st least gives her many possibilities to why he does what he does, wether she thinks he just does it because he can blame his autism or if it is a genuine inability to just stop.

 Always glad to talk things through. 

Being we are all so similar but vastly different unique individuals it gives many possibilities but a greater insight to our unique wiring if you like.

 Austism shouldn’t be used as an excuse, a reason maybe, a justification but not a get out of jail free card.

take care, and yes a pleasure to talk always, 

) ( said:

Autistic traits vary enormously in levels, I stare , maybe more than is comfortable, it isn’t to objectify in a sexual way, interest , data , and yes being truthful, why can’t beauty exist in more than one person, doesn’t mean I want that person in any way, it is apparently seen as ok to leer after an unavoidable film star or model, I see that as being unfaithful to the partner, maybe as it is seen unachievable or out of their league it isn’t seen as a challenge so much. Still an insult to the partner, 

Yeah, I'm sort of stuck trying to make sense of it. I'm pretty much like you in the way that if I'm with someone I would see it as an insult to the partner, and me being the way I am a silly notion. If I get close to someone, I'm choosing to be with them, I feel they are right for me, and the other stuff doesn't matter. I'm pretty hard to get close to, but when I am, I'm all in.

) ( said:

He does need to see the effect it has on his partner as to exist together and be happy a certain amount of understanding needs to be agreed and worked at, the fact it does upset her and she has told him so he should alter his ways purely as a way of being kind knowing how it effects her, not use his diagnosis as a justification, 

There's also a flipside to it. He shouldn't use his diagnosis as justification, the main fact being that it could make her even more sensitive to it. If she decides that it's some kind of uncontrollable urge, and ties it into his autism, it could make her decide that he will never be able to change, or she could get more possessive. Also this didn't sit well with me.........

NAS50448 said:

So autism makes guys stare at other girls and flirt with other girls even though he is in a relationship? 

I just get the impression he's either playing the "autism card" a bit too much, or she seems a little frustrated and ignorant due to being over-possessive. Either way or a bit of both this is a bit of a blanket statement. Mind you love makes people do and say some strange stuff, so live and let live.

) ( said:

she has come here looking for answers, if you like altering her natural ways to try and see his point of view, a partnership has to be worked at by both and flexibility allowed and worked at if both want to be together, 

True. She does have to see things from his point of view, but I think just easing off the gas on the whole autism thing could be just what's needed. It seems to have become a consuming part of the whole thing. Maybe just accepting, or not accepting him as a person is key.

We don't know and he might be a steaming hot lad, who's dynamite in bed, and has got her infatuated! Who's to say he's not a womanising douche, who just happens to be autistic! We can't rule it out!

Let's just hope they get what they need, and come to some sort of agreement that suits their needs.

Always a pleasure speaking to you LW!