Confused

I have felt like killing myself, several times, after getting my diagnosis and felt mortified, humiliated and utterly distraught at many more times. 

These occasions usually followed a huge enlightening moment. For example, I remember being delighted that I could view my behaviour in the way many others (nt’s) viewed it. Then I was not only mortified and humiliated but I became suicidal as I realised, that just because I was now aware of it, it doesn’t mean I can do anything about it. And what would it mean if I could? Would it mean I never speak again? 

It’s been a very up and down journey and I’ve had to dig deep and anchor in and the diagnosis enabled me to do that. Pre diagnosis I at best didn’t have a clue what I was doing and at worse, I was driving people away and hurting myself in the process. It was very confusing and I had no anchor point. I didn’t even think I was a human, because I had never met anyone else like me. 

But slowly, but surely, with a tremendous amount of support and education from the people on this site and the wider site, reading books, watching YouTube videos, getting support workers and putting my trust in them, the people at my autism group and giving myself the time and space to come to terms with it, I have, but not only have I done that, but I have also come to accept it and love myself because of it or in spite of it. 

It’s been a little over 12 months so far and I think I’m at a turning point but I’m also taking the next 12 months (or as long as is needed) to work out how I fit into the world, now I know who I am. And my first quest is to work on my health and fitness and building relationships at my autism group and finding things to do that I enjoy and find fun. I’ve got a lot to learn but I will make sure I take my time and enjoy every step of the way. 

I honestly never expected the roller coaster journey post diagnosis, I didn’t see it coming at all, but I can see now that it’s been a necessary cleansing and learning process as well as one of discovery and falling in love, with me :) 

Hi blue ray 

sorry it has taken so king to respond I have read the replies but today has not been a good day. I’m totally isolating myself and like u mentioned I feel like ending everything. It sound dramatic I know but I feel sort of labelled  with the diagnosis and feel there is no way out.

i think it is great reading how you all dealt with things different but are now well and accepting of your diagnosis I just wish I could get there too.

what I am finding is hard Is that I don’t see people as different regardless of if the have a physical disability, mental health issues or anything really so why I’m not accepting me I don’t know

sorry I’m rambling now, 

Hey, you know if we are at the other side, you know what that means don’t you ~ that we’ve also been through it, we went through the hurt and confusion and the pain and loneliness etc etc ~ there seems to be no easy way to get to the other side but I promise you, that if you stick with it, you’ll get there.

The truth is, we are all individual beings so we are all essentially different. The only difference with autism is that a certain privileged number of the human race have been fortunate to have been born autistic, which means we have some identifiable traits that mark us out from the rest, but that doesn’t mean that we are the only different ones, we’re all different and you are most definitely under direct orders not to leave your tribe, not ever. You must not leave us, we need you. You’re important to us even if you don’t identify as autistic, we still care about you and you mustn’t make the numbers go down. 

I also found out that when I’m feeling suicidal, I’m simply experiencing feelings to a degree greater than what I can cope with, with what I can process. But if we allow the feelings to be without trying to work them out or fight them, they pass much quicker. It’s when we fight them that they stick around longer. 

You’ll get there, I promise you. It just takes time. And you won’t know this, until you get there, but even though it’s hard right now, one day you’ll say that it was all worth it. 

Hang in there my friend, you’re not alone. I’m sending you an angel to wrap you tightly in her wings and hold you close, to let you know you’re not alone and the storm will pass. If you try, you’ll feel her and all of us on here. You’re not being dramatic, you’re simply sharing with us how you feel and I’m so glad you are because it’s keeping it to ourselves that hurts the most and we’ve all been there. I feel your pain. 

And you haven’t been labelled, nobody else even needs to know if you don’t want to tell them. The diagnosis is simply to help you to be able to understand some aspects of yourself better. It doesn’t change who you are. You’re still the same person, you simply have a bit more information to go on, and if it’s too much for now, simply put it to one side and forget about it for a while. Just remember to be kind, loving, patient and gentle with yourself, don’t judge and practice some good self care. We’re right there with you. X

There is nothing at all wrong with people being that little bit more patient with others. In fact, that about sums up my life’s work, to help people to have more patience ~ starting with themselves of course. 

But you told me that the people around you don’t understand you. So unless you like banging your head against a brick wall, it is rather futile to continue down the path of getting them to understand you or continuing to hang around them. To be honest, that’s a mamouth task (to get them to understand you) because there are so many variables, and to be honest, is it really worth it? You would have to spend almost all your waking hours learning the communication and social skills needed, to be able to communicate effectively, as to what it’s like being autistic to a none autistic person. 

If you really want to be around people who understand you, and I highly recommend it, you need to be around people who understand you. And that would be, other autistic people. Unless you want to spend your life trying to get a none aiutistic person to understand an autistic person. And then what?

And don’t forget, you would have to be patient with them. Maybe they don’t feel they have time right now or the inclination to put so much of their time and effort into something that doesn’t really have any significance to them? How patient are you prepared to be? Are you patient enough to wait 10 years until they feel ready to embark on the journey to find out what life is like for an autistic person? 

I’m in the same situation as you. Isn’t it wonderful! It’s like an autistic person’s paradise.  I’ve even stopped checking emails as often and even my son rarely, in fact, never visits unless he wants something specific. 

I feel so lucky to have friends and family who have left me alone, almost completely, at a time when all I needed was solitude. I couldn’t be more grateful. I have the best friends and family in the world and so do you by the sounds of it. 

Alas, I’m working towards coming out of my autistic heaven. It’s been three years for me and I’m finding my balance and sadly, I’ll be leaving my autistic heaven of solitude. But I know I wasn’t put on this earth to spend the rest of my life, alone, in my bedroom, although I’d love that, so I will slowly but surely, with little tiny tip toes, begin to venture out into the world again. 

At the minute, it’s one little step forward and one or two steps back. And that’s ok. It’s like I’m testing the water. I do better when I do things in stages, so that’s how I’m doing it. 

Enjoy your solitude and rest and don’t make a move until you feel ready X

I don’t agree that I should just speak to autistic people if I want to be understood, what’s wrong with everybody just been that little more patient with others ? 

I like to please people as I don’t want to upset them and if by agreeing to do things for people make them happy then. I see no problem with that, yes at times it can be hard work but I always thought u get back what u give, that’s not been the case while I’ve been in well this time but that’s my fault. Without going into it something not very nice happened and I struggled to deal with it, I became unwell and decided to not go out anymore. Over the last 12 months I stopped answering phone and replying to messages, been in my own was easier. My friends now don’t call or text, in fact they are probably not friends now as I made no contact.

i have one family member and one friend who has stuck around however I am making excuses not to meet my friend so she will disappear soon. My family member who has been offering support has got frustrated with me and I stopped been nice and more or less told her to do one, yes I know it wasn’t nice and that really isn’t me but things are just getting on top of me and I’m struggling to cope.

so I guess everything is all my fault 

You can expect people to get you, if you like feeling upset, angry and stupid, because that seems to be how you feel when you expect people to get you and they don’t. 

If you don’t want to feel upset, angry or stupid etc then simply face reality ~ people don’t get you ~ accept it. That way you are free to go and find people who do get you, such as other autistic people. 

If you spend most of your time trying to please others, then you can’t have very much time and energy left for pleasing yourself. That doesn’t sound like a very good strategy for life. If you are going around pleasing others, and therefore not looking after yourself, you will quickly burn yourself out and end up feeling depressed and unappreciated.  

How have you pushed people away? If you  spend most of your time pleasing other people, being polite to them and never rude, how have you managed to push them away? 

You can expect people to get you, if you like feeling upset, angry and stupid, because that seems to be how you feel when you expect people to get you and they don’t. 

If you don’t want to feel upset, angry or stupid etc then simply face reality ~ people don’t get you ~ accept it. That way you are free to go and find people who do get you, such as other autistic people. 

If you spend most of your time trying to please others, then you can’t have very much time and energy left for pleasing yourself. That doesn’t sound like a very good strategy for life. If you are going around pleasing others, and therefore not looking after yourself, you will quickly burn yourself out and end up feeling depressed and unappreciated.  

How have you pushed people away? If you  spend most of your time pleasing other people, being polite to them and never rude, how have you managed to push them away? 

There is nothing at all wrong with people being that little bit more patient with others. In fact, that about sums up my life’s work, to help people to have more patience ~ starting with themselves of course. 

But you told me that the people around you don’t understand you. So unless you like banging your head against a brick wall, it is rather futile to continue down the path of getting them to understand you or continuing to hang around them. To be honest, that’s a mamouth task (to get them to understand you) because there are so many variables, and to be honest, is it really worth it? You would have to spend almost all your waking hours learning the communication and social skills needed, to be able to communicate effectively, as to what it’s like being autistic to a none autistic person. 

If you really want to be around people who understand you, and I highly recommend it, you need to be around people who understand you. And that would be, other autistic people. Unless you want to spend your life trying to get a none aiutistic person to understand an autistic person. And then what?

And don’t forget, you would have to be patient with them. Maybe they don’t feel they have time right now or the inclination to put so much of their time and effort into something that doesn’t really have any significance to them? How patient are you prepared to be? Are you patient enough to wait 10 years until they feel ready to embark on the journey to find out what life is like for an autistic person? 

I’m in the same situation as you. Isn’t it wonderful! It’s like an autistic person’s paradise.  I’ve even stopped checking emails as often and even my son rarely, in fact, never visits unless he wants something specific. 

I feel so lucky to have friends and family who have left me alone, almost completely, at a time when all I needed was solitude. I couldn’t be more grateful. I have the best friends and family in the world and so do you by the sounds of it. 

Alas, I’m working towards coming out of my autistic heaven. It’s been three years for me and I’m finding my balance and sadly, I’ll be leaving my autistic heaven of solitude. But I know I wasn’t put on this earth to spend the rest of my life, alone, in my bedroom, although I’d love that, so I will slowly but surely, with little tiny tip toes, begin to venture out into the world again. 

At the minute, it’s one little step forward and one or two steps back. And that’s ok. It’s like I’m testing the water. I do better when I do things in stages, so that’s how I’m doing it. 

Enjoy your solitude and rest and don’t make a move until you feel ready X

I don’t agree that I should just speak to autistic people if I want to be understood, what’s wrong with everybody just been that little more patient with others ? 

I like to please people as I don’t want to upset them and if by agreeing to do things for people make them happy then. I see no problem with that, yes at times it can be hard work but I always thought u get back what u give, that’s not been the case while I’ve been in well this time but that’s my fault. Without going into it something not very nice happened and I struggled to deal with it, I became unwell and decided to not go out anymore. Over the last 12 months I stopped answering phone and replying to messages, been in my own was easier. My friends now don’t call or text, in fact they are probably not friends now as I made no contact.

i have one family member and one friend who has stuck around however I am making excuses not to meet my friend so she will disappear soon. My family member who has been offering support has got frustrated with me and I stopped been nice and more or less told her to do one, yes I know it wasn’t nice and that really isn’t me but things are just getting on top of me and I’m struggling to cope.

so I guess everything is all my fault