Published on 12, July, 2020
So, 2019 really does need to be the year I get a job, for the sake of family finances. My husband's approach to "helping" me is to just tell me to "apply for something close to home that you know you can do".
I haven't worked for about 14 years after being signed off sick from my first full time job after just 3 months there and then I got married and we decided to start a family as my job hunting post sign-off was not working out due to my recent medical history. I was initially diagnosed with CFS when first signed off and had nearly 3 years off work while recovering before job hunting again.I have been involved in long term voluntary roles for most of the last 13 years though so I hope that will count for something.
I was finally given my formal ASC Aspergers diagnosis on the 7th Dec. But I am now unsure how to proceed in terms of finding a job that will take my needs into account. I can see how autism has shaped all my previous education, work and general life experiences and I am very aware of the adjustments i will need to be able to work at my best and without burning out.
Does anyone relate to my current feeling that if I start job hunting at the moment and find something that might work out I still very unsupported by my husband and those around me. I feel like I will be stepping off a building to do an abseil (applying for a job and hopefully getting through an interview) but I don't know if the harness and rope (my husband and family and friends that I am asking for help and support from) is even going to be any use and I may just end up plummeting to the ground (I will get a job offer but end up rejected or get a job but end up burning out due to those around me not appreciating just how much help and support I need.).I already feel bad that I seem to need more support and assurance from others than they seem to think I need...and so I inconvenience them or get in the way of the things that want to get on with.I am feeling so lost about it all and can't seem to make myself understood.
Are you on any benefits from the job centre? I’m only asking because the job centre can provide some support for people who are considering getting a job, but more importantly they can refer you to Reed or Autism Plus or similar organisation who help people who are thinking about going back to work, they can help at the interview stage and other stages and also for a period of time after you start work.
What do you enjoy doing? Knowing this can give you some idea of what type of jobs you will be looking for or do you already know what type of jobs are suited to you, your skills, your preferences etc?
Getting a job won’t suddenly equip your husband and family with skills that they would need in order to be able to support you and you getting a job won’t suddenly give them the skills to recognise that you need support. If you’re going to be relying on support from your family, you need to be very clear about what help you will or do actually need and discuss is with them to find out if they’re in a position to provide that support. We can’t alwats give our loved ones what they need no matter how much we might want to or how much we try.
I think you should take this one step at a time. You have been out of the job market for quite some time, which in itself will create a certain level of anxiety in you so it’s important you take this one step at a time.
What is CFS, by the way?
Are you considering full time work or part time work? Do you want regular office hours, e.g. 9 to 5 hours? Do you want manual work where you can use your hands and be physically active? What level of pay are you looking for? How many holidays (days away from work) are you looking for? Have you got any particular skills or interests that you would like to use as a way of creating income?
Don’t jump too far ahead in your mind. That will simply lead to increased levels of anxiety. Just take things one step at a time. Get the help you need at each step of the way and that way, things will work out for you.
I would also question some of your beliefs as well. For example, you say you haven’t ‘worked’ for 14 years but you also indicate that you may have had children??? Did you help to raise them? Run a household? I know most people don’t think of raising children and running a home as being a job or working, but it doesn’t mean they’re right. Raising children is one of the most important jobs we can do and requires many many skills that are absolutely transferable to other jobs, if they are picked out and recognised.
Your husband’s advice sounds sensible - are you saying you disagree with him? Do you think you would be better off going further afield and challenging yourself by trying something completely new? You say you need a lot of support, can you clarify exactly what support you need. It’s much easier to get what we need when we know what we need. Figuring out what we need is usually the most difficult part.
It’s still early days in terms of getting your autism diagnosis as well so although there might be an increased need for more money coming into the house, please be kind to yourself. You say you feel bad for having needs and that could be because you need some time to adjust to the diagnosis and to accept that you will need some support. Did you feel like you were getting in peoples way before you got the diagnosis? And do you get in their way or do you just think you do because you feel bad because you’ve got needs that require support from others? It sounds to me like you’ve got a lot to offer, that you have many skills that could be used in employment. If you’re not signed up to the job centre, there are other agencies out there that can provide support.
I have 3 sons, all are now at school. And yes, parenthood brings loads of work transferable skills.
I want to work part-time and I am restricted in hours too as we have no reliable or affordable access to childcare (at least not unless I bring in enough to cover some.). So depending on work location, would be able to work 9am-3pm ish.
I have a diploma in admin which I know is a job I can do and I enjoy it under the right circumstances.
I am not on any benefits at all. Husband earns too much to qualify for anything.
It's the way my husband doesn't see why he should give me the support I specifically ask for...such as sitting down with me for half an hour so we can research places that may be able to support me. Or even look through job ads so I can discuss them with him or he can help me read job descriptions and interpret what they mean...as sometimes I find the wording a bit confusing.
I basically want to be supported by the person closest to me, as I imagine most spouses would. Him telling me it doesn't matter what the job is, as long as I can do the work, isn't helpful...because he doesn't include taking the long term into account. So he'll suggest I "just go and work as a shelf stacker in a supermarket". I could do the job theoretically, yes...but he knows full well that supermarkets are an overwhelming experience for me with the lighting and noise and visual stimulus...so it would not be a realistic solution to work in one.
I do appreciate your response, it has given me some things to think over. I am obviously a bit anxious about returning to the workplace, but it's not the anxiety that is my main "block" at the moment.
It sounds like a job in a school could be a good option for you just now, while the boys are still at school, maybe in the admin office?
I've always said I don't need much help, just the right help and that the right help would make a world of difference. I can see how the support you desire would be very helpful and it would be most desirable to come from your husband (absolutely the ideal situation, I can see that from many angles) but if you've explained yourself to your husband as well as you have on here, and he still doesn't get it, I doubt he ever will. Unfortunately, not everybody sees things in the same ways as we do. Which makes it even more important for you to get the right help. And unfortunately, often times, we have to seek the help we need outside of our friends and family circle but this can have its own benefits.
It might be a good idea to find out if your local authority has a wellbeing team. If you told me the name of your local authority I could check it out for you. If they have, you can be assigned a support worker. This is how I got my first support worker last year, and she was incredibly helpful even though she knew little to nothing about autism. They are a type of 'preventative' team. To work with people who don't need services from the social services but who do need some support that doesn't quite fit anywhere else. If they have a team, they would certainly be able to help you with all you require, as well as being a source of moral support and somebody to be in your corner.
You deserve far more than just taking any old job just because you can do it and your skills would be wasted. Do you know what your current block is?
I had to get to a place of almost sheer desperation before I finally told my job centre work coach what was really going on with me and she organised the wellbeing officer from then on and I've gone from strength to strength since then, albeit very slowly.
Don't be upset with your husband, I'm sure he's doing his best. The ideal situation would be that he supports you in the way you described, but we all fall short of ideal and despite our best efforts, there are some things we'll never be able to do. You can also approach disability rights groups and groups such as DIAL for support ~ just keep going until you get the help you need, not just help that is on offer. If it isn't the right help for you then it's not help at all but there is help out there, even if it takes a while to get it. I would say just take your time with it. If you're anything like me, you can adjust to new situations etc more easily if taken in stages. Best wishes with it all.
It’s the same for me. Even though I was good at my job and I enjoyed it, it would always exhaust me due to dealing with colleagues, rules and restrictions etc, so I decided never to work for somebody else again. I miss some of the work I’ve done as well as some of my colleagues, to some degree, but I believe I will be far happier working for myself, so that’s what I’ll be doing.
I found that I had a lot of difficulty working in a traditional environment with a boss and a set roll. Ive been much more happy working as a self employed person as I pick and chose who I work for, I chose when I work and for how long (Unless something unforsean happens that I have to deal with). I run my own business and as such have absolute controll on who i deal with. If someone is rude, then i sack them. Rather than being in an environment where all the pressure is on me to get along with other people. And to do everything correctly, I have the opposite if people dont put in the effort to acomidate me then they are disposed of as i have no need for them.
This did mean that i worked alone a lot during the 1st year but on the hole i think that is better than haveing to worry about a bunch of BS that isn’t part of your actual job. Instead i can focus on my work and geting better ,faster and more efficient.