Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm 44 years old and female. I just don’t feel loved or wanted by my family and don't know what I should do about it. The feelings I have are so intense that I wake up with words already in my head, formed to tell them all what I think.
My father left when I was 2 and he moved to another country. My mum told me that I was the result of him raping her. He 'apparently' tried to get rid of me by throwing her down the stairs when pregnant with me. She told me how she used knitting needles to try and abort me. For years I was told that I was a twin. The story was that my twin died inside her and that caused my mum to become infected and this resulted in her having to have a full hysterectomy following a miscarriage with my step fathers baby. (My step father is only 14 years older than me). Turns out (I was told when I was 21) that I was a result of my mum sleeping with my dad's brother and that she had retained my placenta which caused her toxic shock/sepsis. She told me it was all my fault that she couldn’t have my step father's babies (although I was only 3 at the time)
My grandmother confirmed that my mother refused to hold me when I was born. My mum told me that my father threw me out of a window as a baby and tried to burn my brother in his cot. When I got to teenage years I began having meltdowns and found myself struggling with relationships. I had no idea that I was on the AS. My brother was older than me and beat me up regularly when I didn't do what he wanted. He had to go to a special school and has been diagnosed but doesn't disclose his diagnosis – he seems just bloody inconsiderate.
I left home at 17 following a row with my very religious mother. (The person who used to have parties at home, drink and smoke, who then became a Christian and started dictating my life or closing doors on me because she was 'praying'). For 20+ years we very rarely connected and although at times it hurt, I felt that I wasn’t wanted any way and if I was, they would have fought to keep me in their lives. They did very little.
I raised 2 girls who have now left home. During raising them I got divorced and lost my house and needed help but my mum and step dad did nothing, mainly because they didn't know what was happening in my life, even though I rang them to tell them and ask for help. My mum just said she was sorry but she couldn’t do anything to help. She lives in a 3 bed house and I would have asked my daughter to move in and then help. But that as that. I picked up the pieces and gave birth to my 2nd daughter on my own. I was also living in Yorkshire, so far away from anyone I really knew. I got on with my life. Went through a court case as my ex husband wanted full custody of my children. I moved back down south when I won the court case.
In 2012 I met my now husband. I introduced him to my parents, warning him that they are strict but they took to him and my life seemed to change for the better. We went out regularly, once or twice a month, and they helped with our wedding, and took us to the airport for a holiday, bought us a hotel room for the wedding evening, etc. Things recently have started to dwindle and I don’t know why. The only thing that has changed is that I told them that my husband and I were going through a rocky patch and that he can be quite difficult and argumentative some times. I told them about his ways. Since then, they have barely shown interest. This Christmas we were invited round for Christmas day but we politely declined as we weren't sure what we were doing as my husband only has one day off. We also had my adult children requesting to see me on Christmas eve and had all sorts to arrange. We invited my brother round for the evening (and offered the same to my parents, who declined) - who as usual brought nothing with him while we bought for him and his daughter) never mind, we don’t give to receive. I found out that my brother was then invited to my parents for Christmas day as well as Boxing day. They all knew that my husband only had 1 day off, so I have spent Boxing day onwards on my own. My brother put an Instagram post saying he was watching a family film with my parents and his daughter while I was sitting on my own.
I just don’t know what to think. My mother also has a Facebook account but wont add me or reply, she says she only has it for a group she likes to follow on there. I don’t feel loved and sometimes I wish I had never been born as I am not wanted. My mum used to call me a nuisance when I was a child and this is how I feel to this day. I've had a life time of therapy - do I get more? Am I selfish?
You can choose your friends but you can't choose family. Be polite - send cards, make offers at the right time - but first and foremost, look after yourself and your immediate loved ones - they are the ones who really count. Families are horrible - there's always games being played and favourites held over others.
Maybe you're just trying too hard?
My mum and my sister became a symbiotic animal spending their whole lives telling me that I'm nasty for not doing this this or horrible for not doing something else - all things they wanted done just to push me around. It got worse when our daughter was born when they stopped talking to us for 3 years (what a loving grandparent?).
I look at as they missed out - they didn't get to witness all the fun times and the places we went, all the photographs, all the experiences - their loss - and they can never get that back. Shame.