Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm 44 years old and female. I just don’t feel loved or wanted by my family and don't know what I should do about it. The feelings I have are so intense that I wake up with words already in my head, formed to tell them all what I think.
My father left when I was 2 and he moved to another country. My mum told me that I was the result of him raping her. He 'apparently' tried to get rid of me by throwing her down the stairs when pregnant with me. She told me how she used knitting needles to try and abort me. For years I was told that I was a twin. The story was that my twin died inside her and that caused my mum to become infected and this resulted in her having to have a full hysterectomy following a miscarriage with my step fathers baby. (My step father is only 14 years older than me). Turns out (I was told when I was 21) that I was a result of my mum sleeping with my dad's brother and that she had retained my placenta which caused her toxic shock/sepsis. She told me it was all my fault that she couldn’t have my step father's babies (although I was only 3 at the time)
My grandmother confirmed that my mother refused to hold me when I was born. My mum told me that my father threw me out of a window as a baby and tried to burn my brother in his cot. When I got to teenage years I began having meltdowns and found myself struggling with relationships. I had no idea that I was on the AS. My brother was older than me and beat me up regularly when I didn't do what he wanted. He had to go to a special school and has been diagnosed but doesn't disclose his diagnosis – he seems just bloody inconsiderate.
I left home at 17 following a row with my very religious mother. (The person who used to have parties at home, drink and smoke, who then became a Christian and started dictating my life or closing doors on me because she was 'praying'). For 20+ years we very rarely connected and although at times it hurt, I felt that I wasn’t wanted any way and if I was, they would have fought to keep me in their lives. They did very little.
I raised 2 girls who have now left home. During raising them I got divorced and lost my house and needed help but my mum and step dad did nothing, mainly because they didn't know what was happening in my life, even though I rang them to tell them and ask for help. My mum just said she was sorry but she couldn’t do anything to help. She lives in a 3 bed house and I would have asked my daughter to move in and then help. But that as that. I picked up the pieces and gave birth to my 2nd daughter on my own. I was also living in Yorkshire, so far away from anyone I really knew. I got on with my life. Went through a court case as my ex husband wanted full custody of my children. I moved back down south when I won the court case.
In 2012 I met my now husband. I introduced him to my parents, warning him that they are strict but they took to him and my life seemed to change for the better. We went out regularly, once or twice a month, and they helped with our wedding, and took us to the airport for a holiday, bought us a hotel room for the wedding evening, etc. Things recently have started to dwindle and I don’t know why. The only thing that has changed is that I told them that my husband and I were going through a rocky patch and that he can be quite difficult and argumentative some times. I told them about his ways. Since then, they have barely shown interest. This Christmas we were invited round for Christmas day but we politely declined as we weren't sure what we were doing as my husband only has one day off. We also had my adult children requesting to see me on Christmas eve and had all sorts to arrange. We invited my brother round for the evening (and offered the same to my parents, who declined) - who as usual brought nothing with him while we bought for him and his daughter) never mind, we don’t give to receive. I found out that my brother was then invited to my parents for Christmas day as well as Boxing day. They all knew that my husband only had 1 day off, so I have spent Boxing day onwards on my own. My brother put an Instagram post saying he was watching a family film with my parents and his daughter while I was sitting on my own.
I just don’t know what to think. My mother also has a Facebook account but wont add me or reply, she says she only has it for a group she likes to follow on there. I don’t feel loved and sometimes I wish I had never been born as I am not wanted. My mum used to call me a nuisance when I was a child and this is how I feel to this day. I've had a life time of therapy - do I get more? Am I selfish?
Your mother and father have been selfish, and unfortunately mentally immature, and they don't have the skills neccessary to raise children, because they risked putting you and your brother in harms way, and allowed your brother to hurt you. They did not show love for you, and so you have issues with love for yourself, and you still try to seek that love from them that's been missing your entire life.
The thing is that you keep giving them chances, the benefit of the doubt, the opportunity to show that they love, care, and support you. You want them to instill a sense of value and worth within you, as family are expected to do.
But some people are not capable of giving love and support, and they're just harmful and destructive people. You have to accept the reality of what they've done towards you and how they've treated you, and make your decisions based on those factors. I just hope you decide what's best for yourself and what would make you happy in the long run. My advice is to not depend on people who have had a history of abuse to give you a sense of value and worth in yourself. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
We all had BS Childhoods. We aren't here if we're on the Pig's Back.
You can either remain a statistic, or you can learn to let go of toxicity. I have family issues, but I have to focus on myself first.
Sink, or swim? You choose.
You can choose your friends but you can't choose family. Be polite - send cards, make offers at the right time - but first and foremost, look after yourself and your immediate loved ones - they are the ones who really count. Families are horrible - there's always games being played and favourites held over others.
Maybe you're just trying too hard?
My mum and my sister became a symbiotic animal spending their whole lives telling me that I'm nasty for not doing this this or horrible for not doing something else - all things they wanted done just to push me around. It got worse when our daughter was born when they stopped talking to us for 3 years (what a loving grandparent?).
I look at as they missed out - they didn't get to witness all the fun times and the places we went, all the photographs, all the experiences - their loss - and they can never get that back. Shame.
Here's something you won't hear often: you go first.I find it strange how we are always blaming other people for not caring, not loving not wanting us enough, when we don't care, love or want ourselves either. It's as if we are always pointing the finger of blame outwards to others. So, here's a new way of thinking: if you're not feeling loved or wanted by your family, maybe it's time to focus on loving and wanting yourself? And then, maybe look at how much you love and want your family? Just reading the things you have written about your mother, it's clear that your resentment and animosity towards her is very strong. This might explain why she chooses not to be around you. Would you want to be around someone who has so much anger and resentment? Would anyone want to be around anyone who has animosity towards them?
This is probably not what you want to hear because you seem deeply invested in your identity as an unwanted or unloved child/adult, but don't you think it's time, at 44, to take responsibility for your own life and happiness and stop blaming your mum for what she does or doesn't do or what she did or didn't do for/to you?
We all love our stories about how we have been wronged. I am no different. I can sit and tell you lots of stories about how people have wronged me, including my family. However, at some point in our lives, we have to drop our attachment to our sad stories if we ever want a chance of leading a happy life.
I promise you this: the day you see your mother impartially, the day you can view her as a perfectly flawed human being, and the day you can stop relying on her for your happiness either now or in the past, this will be the day you let go of your sadness and start living your life.
Again, I understand that this can be hard to hear when we are invested so heavily in our stories of woe, betrayal and injustice. It's often hard to see our part in the story and how we are keeping the sadness going by dwelling on our negativity, resentment and animosity.
I hope that you can find some peace in your life in terms of this troubled relationship and find the answers to the more important question: why do I feel so unloved and so unwanted by myself?
After all, you are the only person who will ever have any control over how much or little you are wanted or loved. If you can work out how to want and love yourself more, then maybe you can start to teach or show other people how and why they should want or love you more.
Basically, you first.