Published on 12, July, 2020
Looking back over my childhood and considering various experiences within my wider family, I can trace not only what I believe to be the "path of autism" but also a fair amount of poverty, to varying degrees.
Now I'm not suggesting that there's a straightforward link between autism and poverty - certainly I can see many positives to my neurodivergent mind which have enabled me to make a fair living over the years - but the patterns do seem intertwined. I can see lots of issues with anxiety, depression and addiction too but increasingly I suspect these might be related to undiagnosed (and therefore unsupported) autism. The patterns seem to involve difficulties in the workplace (choosing and staying in jobs), education (especially higher education where independence and social factors seems to become increasingly important), accessing healthcare and applying for benefits (a stressful process in itself).
During my teenage years in particular, we went through a lot of poverty and our living conditions were quite poor, to the extent that we didn't dare invite people round and our social isolation became ever worse. Dad did what work he could, but was trapped in a low paying job and neither of my parents had much knowledge of the benefits system (I was quite shocked recently when my now elderly mother said that we probably could have claimed something to help).
And going back a generation, my grandmother's house was something of a disaster. No housework ever done, not much with which to do it, no repairs carried out, not much washing, a LOT of hoarding, alcohol consumption and gambling. It was like that with my uncles too, although they were very intelligent people and obviously quite talented in many ways.
Is this all necessarily to do with autism? Probably not. But I'm suspicious. Especially now that my sons are having major difficulties making their way in the world and a lot of our money seems to go on false starts in education and work. There's some good stuff in there too no doubt, but I'm worried.
Any thoughts?
Complicated question! I don't live in poverty, although I have done at times when I was younger. I'm now well-qualified (thanks to the free HE system when I was young where academics had more discretion and I could study in my own way) and have a managerial job - but the only way I can cope with it is to work at home and part-time so my salary is the same as it would be for a menial job. I couldn't do it if they weren't supportive of my difficulties in dealing with 'fuzzy' situations and conflicting demands and if they made me go into the open plan office at HQ. I have a council flat I got back in the 80s when there was such a thing as 'hard to let' and they gave them to 'bohemian' people - otherwise, I've no idea how I'd pay a contemporary private sector rent. I live in constant anxiety about poverty because of the difficulties I have in getting and holding jobs even though I have a skillset that's in demand. I've survived by constantly re-training into skills where there's a shortage all my life - people are more tolerant of 'eccentricity' when they're desperate for the skill and because they're well enough paid that I can work part-time or freelance but still pay the bills. Every time the government starts talking about council housing I go into a meltdown of extreme anxiety, I haven't claimed benefits since the 90s because it's now so stressful I can barely cope with it. I'll retire in 3 years but because of the instability in my economic life I don't own anything and don't have any pension - I'll find ways of working around it (I hope!) but I'm staring serious poverty in the face now despite having a PhD and working all my life. I think gender is definitely a factor too, I have male relatives who work in complicated areas of finance and make a fortune, they're accepted as 'eccentric' and manly. Female relatives with the same level of IQ are poor. By contrast, I get criticised for 'thinking like a man' and constant complaints that I'm 'too analytical' or 'cold' and unfeminine at work. I don't 'do' relationships so I'm alone and have one salary instead of being a two-salary outfit. I don't know how 'direct' it is but I think my financial instability - and probable poverty in old age - certainly flows from the ASD.
Yes, I find it enormously difficult and there are so many factors which bring to bear. It was a huge struggle for me to make a living and, because I felt I needed to escape poverty and live up to my qualification level, I really pushed myself beyond all reason and making myself ill on occasions.
I'm kind of looking at the whole family landscape though. I now understand why my dad never pushed himself and chose instead to stay in a very poorly paid job in spite of his vast intelligence. He had, after all, seen the consequences of pushing too hard in his brother, who had a severe breakdown and who mostly lived on benefits thereafter. I also have more understanding of why it's been so difficult for me to do things that are apparently considered easy by most others (e.g. my total panic and alarm at a last-minute request to stand in for someone in a meeting, or to drive across town). And of my sons' major difficulties in staying the course in higher education and getting any job at all.
I'm at the point where I can see us as a rags to rags in 3 generations story. And autism is, I'm afraid, strongly implicated in my mind. I managed to escape poverty myself but am now watching with alarm as my sons repeatedly fail to launch. And I try to keep them on an even keel and off the streets, which is costing us quite a bit (e.g. as parents we have to sign the guarantorship for university accommodation BEFORE either of our sons even starts the course. When, as on several occasions, it falls through, we're left with the bill).
I have major fears for the future and many of these revolve around the fear of poverty.
Yes, I've had to adopt an approach which in many ways goes against my education, which always taught me to go for gold and give the absolute most to every task or assignment. I was programmed, I think, to get 10/10 at all costs and I basically thought that I'd be able to continue this approach in the workplace.
No chance. I was crippled with anxiety, unable to speak up at meetings, extremely nervous on the phone, phobic about driving, cautious about approaching anyone and so drenched with fear that I often made mistakes. The mistakes usually turned out to be something to do with "general knowledge" or "common sense" and I rapidly realised that my education hadn't provided me with much of these.
I also had to take more sick leave than seemed reasonable as I had to use it as a safety valve to prevent things getting worse. I basically had to put in loads of effort just to appear normal and to function so, even on days where I achieved very little, i was still exhausted.
It all made me want to retreat into my shell and hide, which is not a helpful stance for a would-be director of finance.
I really, really don't want my sons to have to go through all of this. But what can I do to help? And keep them out of poverty? Too many jobs out there that seem to ask for loads of people skills and stamina, seemingly asking for those skills in which we're weakest. All the time.
It's like driving. The driving thing. Which has followed me relentlessly. I hate it. I'm too nervous, there are too many factors to consider and I only passed my test by pretending to be someone else and asking myself, before every move, "What would a normal person do now?" then doing it. But EVERYBODY and EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE seem to require me to drive. To get to jobs, to perform tasks within jobs, to ferry my kids about when they were younger, to get enough shopping in and now to get to my mother's house as I care for her 3 days a week. This skill is so much more needed than either of my degrees or my accountancy qualification.
It feels very much as though I can do the frills but not the essential basics. Even I wonder why it's so difficult for me and I sometimes find myself giving similar sorts of answers to my dad - "It just is" "I don't want to" "I really can't". Then responding to myself in the manner of other people with, "Why can't you?" "But that's just silly!" or "It's only common sense!"
Jenny Butterfly said:I really pushed myself beyond all reason and making myself ill on occasions
This resonates very strongly - I've driven myself to a couple of breakdowns to 'succeed' but as soon as I do get my foot on a rung I realise I actually can't cope with the high-pressure career I've just invested in training for. I'm in my 60s now and I've learned to 'pace' myself, I choose sectors where part-time or freelance and working at home are possible, I take jobs below my capacity, I learn better and better camouflage strategies, I build in enough space for recuperation so I don't break down every few years. It feels as though every ounce of my energy goes into trying to look 'normal' and making a living and yet I don't really progress. Jenny Butterfly I feel your anxiety about the future even without additional people to protect. I also really agree with people talking about vulnerability to trauma, ending up with bigger financial problems because I don't want to talk to a stranger on the phone, and I'm not sure if I'm more easily 'conned' but I definitely get worn out quickly and just agree to stuff just to close the hassle of getting some utility sorted out etc.