Christmas

forced is a strong term to use? When you say your environment, do you mean your home?

The problem I have is that I am forced to be in environment I hate to be in. I wish people would leave me alone. I will never be happy there. The place makes me miserable and depressed.

Are you getting support for your depression? 

.,

Thank you very much for your reply!

I did not expect someone to read and reply to my message.

I thought that my message will go into Space, in vacuum.

I feel quite depressed lately as I feel that I am just existing in this world. I wish I would be able to enjoy something. To see something nice in this world.

It is difficult to be me as I feel most of the people do not understand me.

I can only be me when I am alone.

HI California.  A trip to my local Co-Op on boxing day cheered me no end with the arrival of their Easter Eggs.  Christmas is a time of certain degrees of external pressures.  Be you and be here and heard! x

I like the look of Christmas. Christmas trees and snow snowing.

I do not like people inviting me to Christmas gatherings. I do not go anymore. I only went before to please people. I always feel like I don’t belong there and I do not know what to do there.

Also this time reminds that my goals in life are still far away from fulfilling my wishes and dreams.

Christmas is the time I feel lonely the most.

I think it is a deeply instinctive, pagan thing to put up lights and to celebrate, otherwise there would be terminal SAD everywhere. Yet I have met people who hate the sun, one I know moved permanently to Scandinavia for example. It's a loaded time because the festival date is a constant every year, unlike the case with, say, Easter. 

Both my parents have passed and I get lots of little flashback memories of Christmasses past, which is sad in its way. At the same time I don't miss the downside of these, which were often ruined by certain members of the family getting drunk and then saying things. An old friend I stayed with on one or two occasions managed not so long ago to drink herself to death, too.  But there are Christmasess present and future too, and new ways to enjoy the biggest gift Christmas can bring: a holiday. 

Christmas isn't Christmas without a good little spooky film, so for those with similar propensities, here is one for you:

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10156306233183143&id=639043142

I saw it on the early 90's I think, one Christmas Eve. 

I don't have those difficulties myself, and I think that's what enables me to 'escape' it in some sense.  I agree with you, though: the whole thing is a pantomime.  People just switch into crazy mode.  Now it's all Christmas jumpers and hats out there.  I was in my local supermarket yesterday - just went in for a loaf of bread - and people were just filling trolleys with huge amounts of stuff.  For one day! (they're open again on Boxing Day) 

It's all about spend.  And I hate the way you seem to get judged on the amount you spent on the gift, not the thought you put into it.  One of the most enduring gifts I ever got was a pine cone, given to me by a work colleague - picked up by her and costing nothing.  I still have it.  Give me that over an expensive gewgaw any day.

Hi, 

Hate it! Hate it! Hate it! The biggest, nonsensical exhibition of our capitalist culture and such a societal contradiction, it really should be criminalised! I am a confirmed Aethist - but I would be far more tolerant of the whole situation if it was treated respectively as the Christian Festival is actually meant to be. 

This rant could continue in earnest if there wasn't already some excellent examples of the hypocrisy of it all on here. The only thing that keeps me slightly amused is the marketing tactics that are employed and the ease that they reel NT's in. My favourite: Black Friday (now a week) which has been introduced at the economical lowest point of the year. 

In the interest of balance and to stem the flow of people calling me a Grinch - in general. Is it possible that as neurodiverse individuals we have difficulties with suspending logic and creating fictional narratives so we cannot 'buy in' to it?

Hi Bluesky555

Thank you for responding, :). I’m glad I’ve been able to help you, by being able to relate to my experiences. I wish life could be better for both/all of us struggling this time of year. Christmas can be traumatic for many people and for many reasons. All we see on TV and adverts is the constant rhetoric of people enjoying themselves and having fun as a complete family, this is what the media churns out. They never show those that are struggling, the nearest you might get is an advert for The Salvation Army, showing people living on the streets, that type of thing. Living on the spectrum can be just as bad in it’s own way. While we may have a roof over our heads, the difficulties we face causes such occasions to be fraught with so much trauma, affecting us in our own individual ways, whether it be by family relatives that never understand you, feeling alienated from your peer group, feeling like life is just not going your way. The constant rhetoric can end up getting to you, and you just end up in an even more depressed state than you were to begin with. I can certainly understand your need for coming onto forums like this, you need some reassurance at this time of year that you’re not alone, and you’re not, we’re all experiencing our own levels of difficulties, each in our own way, :). It’s finding the right answer that’s the tricky part.

Yes, PTSD is hell on earth when you combine it with autism. Autism carries with it social difficulties, well, PTSD carries with it traumatic memories, and combine the two, and the social world feels more like a minefield, :(.

Peace and quiet is the best way I find to get through Christmas, spending time with people you feel comfortable with, at home, with your close family members who understand you better because they live with you. My mother is all I have left in my close family, so we end up watching TV series on DVDs to get through the day, to avoid the annoying adverts. I hope you’re able to get through the Christmas period as well with the least amount pain as possible, :). Hard as I can imagine that might be, considering my own difficulties as well.

Thank you for wishing me well, :). Yes, getting through the year is going to be difficult, I have a hard time deciding whether to just go to bed early on New Years Eve, or shutting myself out with loud music, :(.

I wish both of us success in our futures, let’s hope we’re both able to succeed in fulfilling our goals, :). Though, personally, I feel like it’s more as if I were attempting to solve the mysteries of life. Sometimes I’d feel I’d have a better chance.

Hi Bushido

What you have said really resonates with me and your experiences with extended family feel very familiar, especially comparisons with other people.

I do not have PTSD so I cannot imagine what that must be like to have that as well as autism. I understand what you mean about being nowhere near fulfilling your dreams and wishes. I feel like I have tried really hard to do life the way neurotypicals expect it to be done, and I don't have anything to show for it yet.

Thanks for sharing. It helped me because I can easily forget I'm not alone when I'm collapsing inside. I hope you will get through it all ok.

Hi Bluesky555

Christmas is an awful time of year for me too. My extended family have never understood me nor my conditions, but they always insist on both my mother and I going there for Christmas. It’s painful and agonising because they are so patronising and false, and I always feel like I don’t belong there, like I’m being made to look a fool, because I’m autistic and they’re not, and they don’t understand it’s impact. Not only am I affected by autism, but PTSD as well, and combining the two, as well Christmas and it’s ‘togetherness’ of families that never see eye-to-eye, is just an occasion for increased tension, anxiety, stress, and what’s more, a PTSD ‘trigger’ nightmare of comparison between how your life affects you and how their lives affect them. You are constantly reminded of that difference, and it practically kills me to be shown that right in front of my eyes. When I used to go around to my aunt’s house, I would always shut off by playing music and watching my laptop to cut out my surroundings. My cousin always hated that and constantly demanded that I stop, but I wouldn’t listen to her, because she couldn’t have cared less how horrible I felt about the whole situation. Her voice always carried with it arrogance, and she loved to watch me suffer, to remind me of the difference between us both. Since she is neurotypical, life is more like a ‘bed of roses’ for her, but for myself, all that she has feels more like she takes it all for granted. I do not wish to attain her personality, but some of what she is able to do and gain is something I know is more like attempting to get to the moon by jumping with my feet alone!

I can’t stand Christmas, but then I can’t stand the New Year either. It’s constant reminder that my goals in life are so far away, and I’m still nowhere near fulfilling my wishes and dreams.

I can certainly understand how you feel, because I feel the same in many ways.

I agree with you- I am sorry you all struggle so much. I've found it hard to keep my distress levels down since I got back for christmas and I desperately want to be in my own bedroom with my own routine and my own things. Then I feel selfish (not sure if that's the correct word) that I *should* want to see family and I get myself in a state. It's not personal against them, just too difficult. It is a relief to realise it's not just me though.

I hope you and your sons manage to get through it ok!

Thanks :) I also agree with you about birthdays... but luckily for me it's just one day in the middle of the year and the country doesn't stop to celebrate it!

I just want it to be over.  To me it is simply a marker of time and I will no doubt be aware of the neighbours and their offspring to-ing and fro-ing, socialising and enjoying things.  Meanwhile my sons (of a similar age) lead a very different lifestyle, totally withdrawn with some severe issues and distress levels that, despite our efforts, remain unchanged since last Christmas.  Or the several before, for that matter.

It feels as though NT norms and jollity are being waved in our faces.  Fed up of it!     

Yeah I am as well, not just the prospect of it but also the hype and  the overall overdone theme of Xmas, my birthday is on the 24th and even that Im just like meh just another day for me, I was somewhat festive when i was growing up but that is because i was technically forced to , im seeing my girlfriend for a few hours here and there but that is really it as far as xmas goes, its just another day to me that is waaayyy too stressful , dont even get me started on present buying, damn that gave me so much anxiety its unreal but yeah, your not alone in this :) 

Hi Martian Tom

Thank you for your reply. I am sorry that your mother passed away. My Mum passed away when I was very young so it has always been me and Dad. Christmas has always felt very forced and I have never been sure what to do or say. I am quite a reserved person and I struggle with the sudden appearence of family members who I haven't seen for ages but who expect me to tell them what is happening in my world. I need to plan my conversations with people but because I never know who I will see and what questions they will ask me it all feels very tricky. I am also conscious that to neurotypicals my world might appear dull and I always end up feeling ashamed that I don't go out much, or drink alcohol and that I like to spend so much time away from people. From a distance, in my flat, I would say that I get on with family members, but then Christmas comes and it's like everything I find hard made bigger and on display for everybody to see and it makes me feel as though I don't belong.

I think donating to your mother's favourite charities is a really good thing to do. I agree with giving presents. I genuinely never want anything for Christmas and I find it really difficult to know for sure what to buy and who for (just Dad, or every single extended family member too) and it defintiely seems like such a waste.

I am in a similar situation to you in terms of work. I am currently signed off due to stress and am also experiencing an eviciton and Christmas this year just feels like an unneccessary blockage of services being shut so I cannot sort anything out to make things better. I wish I could treat Christmas as a weekend, and lock myself in my bedroom, but I feel under pressure to visit people and, yes, put on a jovial face when I'm screaming inside. I'm a bit worried that my brain will just refuse to take part and I will be made to feel bad.

I did some work with a metal health worker to prepare for coming back for Christmas and coping, and part of that work involved remembering and trusting in myself that I'm not a bad person, that my brain just works differently to other people's (and also that everybody's brain is different regardless of autism) and that I am an adult and if family pressure gets too much it is perfectly acceptable to take time out for myself, like going into the garden, and it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks or says. I'm trying to get better at being more assertive and doing things to look after myself instead of behaving how I think other people expect me to behave. Perhaps I will come on here Christmas Day too.

Like you, I'll be glad and relieved when this is all over and I can go back to my usual routines and activities. Good luck in your new job, this is something I am hoping to acheive in the New Year as well so I hope it goes well!

Hi Bluesky,

Many of us struggle with this time of year.  If you look at some of the related threads (see right-hand column), you'll see.  For me, Christmas always used to be about close family - and in more latter years, that was just me and my mother on Christmas Day.  I always enjoyed being with her.  But by about 9 in the evening, I would make a move home.  I just liked to be alone for some of it.  She passed away last year, bless her, and so last Christmas I pretty much shut off.  I walked along to see my niece and her family in the evening for a couple of hours, but that was it.  I'd had a bit to drink, too, which made it easier for me.  Even though I get on well with them, I still prefer to be alone.  Last year, too, I didn't send cards or give gifts.  Partly because I couldn't face it.  But also because I think it's all such a waste - people giving me things that I don't need, and me giving them things that they don't need.  The children in the family all have everything many times over.  So I announced that I was making donations to some of my mother's favourite charities instead.

This year, Christmas has been very strange so far.  I'm signed off from work at the moment because of stress, and am down a large chunk of my pay.  I've been offered another job, though, so it kind of all feels like a limbo period.  I've written cards this year, though, and given the children money to spend on what they want.  I know it doesn't seem very imaginative, but it's so hard to buy for all of them.  Christmas Day, I shall be on my own - just me and my cat.  I'll have some traditional food and a few whiskies, so I'll be okay.  I'll be on here, too, at some stage.  A few of us will be seeking refuge that way, I think, and some of us will be having very difficult times.

It all does feel quite odd.  I'll be glad when it's over and I can start the New Year - in a new job, and hopefully in a better phase of life. 

What is it that's making you nervous?  All the people, and the need to put on a jovial face when you're screaming inside?  I know that feeling.