Christmas

Hi Bluesky,

Many of us struggle with this time of year.  If you look at some of the related threads (see right-hand column), you'll see.  For me, Christmas always used to be about close family - and in more latter years, that was just me and my mother on Christmas Day.  I always enjoyed being with her.  But by about 9 in the evening, I would make a move home.  I just liked to be alone for some of it.  She passed away last year, bless her, and so last Christmas I pretty much shut off.  I walked along to see my niece and her family in the evening for a couple of hours, but that was it.  I'd had a bit to drink, too, which made it easier for me.  Even though I get on well with them, I still prefer to be alone.  Last year, too, I didn't send cards or give gifts.  Partly because I couldn't face it.  But also because I think it's all such a waste - people giving me things that I don't need, and me giving them things that they don't need.  The children in the family all have everything many times over.  So I announced that I was making donations to some of my mother's favourite charities instead.

This year, Christmas has been very strange so far.  I'm signed off from work at the moment because of stress, and am down a large chunk of my pay.  I've been offered another job, though, so it kind of all feels like a limbo period.  I've written cards this year, though, and given the children money to spend on what they want.  I know it doesn't seem very imaginative, but it's so hard to buy for all of them.  Christmas Day, I shall be on my own - just me and my cat.  I'll have some traditional food and a few whiskies, so I'll be okay.  I'll be on here, too, at some stage.  A few of us will be seeking refuge that way, I think, and some of us will be having very difficult times.

It all does feel quite odd.  I'll be glad when it's over and I can start the New Year - in a new job, and hopefully in a better phase of life. 

What is it that's making you nervous?  All the people, and the need to put on a jovial face when you're screaming inside?  I know that feeling.

Hi Martian Tom

Thank you for your reply. I am sorry that your mother passed away. My Mum passed away when I was very young so it has always been me and Dad. Christmas has always felt very forced and I have never been sure what to do or say. I am quite a reserved person and I struggle with the sudden appearence of family members who I haven't seen for ages but who expect me to tell them what is happening in my world. I need to plan my conversations with people but because I never know who I will see and what questions they will ask me it all feels very tricky. I am also conscious that to neurotypicals my world might appear dull and I always end up feeling ashamed that I don't go out much, or drink alcohol and that I like to spend so much time away from people. From a distance, in my flat, I would say that I get on with family members, but then Christmas comes and it's like everything I find hard made bigger and on display for everybody to see and it makes me feel as though I don't belong.

I think donating to your mother's favourite charities is a really good thing to do. I agree with giving presents. I genuinely never want anything for Christmas and I find it really difficult to know for sure what to buy and who for (just Dad, or every single extended family member too) and it defintiely seems like such a waste.

I am in a similar situation to you in terms of work. I am currently signed off due to stress and am also experiencing an eviciton and Christmas this year just feels like an unneccessary blockage of services being shut so I cannot sort anything out to make things better. I wish I could treat Christmas as a weekend, and lock myself in my bedroom, but I feel under pressure to visit people and, yes, put on a jovial face when I'm screaming inside. I'm a bit worried that my brain will just refuse to take part and I will be made to feel bad.

I did some work with a metal health worker to prepare for coming back for Christmas and coping, and part of that work involved remembering and trusting in myself that I'm not a bad person, that my brain just works differently to other people's (and also that everybody's brain is different regardless of autism) and that I am an adult and if family pressure gets too much it is perfectly acceptable to take time out for myself, like going into the garden, and it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks or says. I'm trying to get better at being more assertive and doing things to look after myself instead of behaving how I think other people expect me to behave. Perhaps I will come on here Christmas Day too.

Like you, I'll be glad and relieved when this is all over and I can go back to my usual routines and activities. Good luck in your new job, this is something I am hoping to acheive in the New Year as well so I hope it goes well!

Hi Martian Tom

Thank you for your reply. I am sorry that your mother passed away. My Mum passed away when I was very young so it has always been me and Dad. Christmas has always felt very forced and I have never been sure what to do or say. I am quite a reserved person and I struggle with the sudden appearence of family members who I haven't seen for ages but who expect me to tell them what is happening in my world. I need to plan my conversations with people but because I never know who I will see and what questions they will ask me it all feels very tricky. I am also conscious that to neurotypicals my world might appear dull and I always end up feeling ashamed that I don't go out much, or drink alcohol and that I like to spend so much time away from people. From a distance, in my flat, I would say that I get on with family members, but then Christmas comes and it's like everything I find hard made bigger and on display for everybody to see and it makes me feel as though I don't belong.

I think donating to your mother's favourite charities is a really good thing to do. I agree with giving presents. I genuinely never want anything for Christmas and I find it really difficult to know for sure what to buy and who for (just Dad, or every single extended family member too) and it defintiely seems like such a waste.

I am in a similar situation to you in terms of work. I am currently signed off due to stress and am also experiencing an eviciton and Christmas this year just feels like an unneccessary blockage of services being shut so I cannot sort anything out to make things better. I wish I could treat Christmas as a weekend, and lock myself in my bedroom, but I feel under pressure to visit people and, yes, put on a jovial face when I'm screaming inside. I'm a bit worried that my brain will just refuse to take part and I will be made to feel bad.

I did some work with a metal health worker to prepare for coming back for Christmas and coping, and part of that work involved remembering and trusting in myself that I'm not a bad person, that my brain just works differently to other people's (and also that everybody's brain is different regardless of autism) and that I am an adult and if family pressure gets too much it is perfectly acceptable to take time out for myself, like going into the garden, and it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks or says. I'm trying to get better at being more assertive and doing things to look after myself instead of behaving how I think other people expect me to behave. Perhaps I will come on here Christmas Day too.

Like you, I'll be glad and relieved when this is all over and I can go back to my usual routines and activities. Good luck in your new job, this is something I am hoping to acheive in the New Year as well so I hope it goes well!