Hi. Is anybody else really struggling with the prospect of Christmas? I find Christmas tough usually anyway but this year I really really don't want to be put under lots of pressure to take part. It's making me so nervous and it's still two days away!
Hi Bluesky555
Christmas is an awful time of year for me too. My extended family have never understood me nor my conditions, but they always insist on both my mother and I going there for Christmas. It’s painful and agonising because they are so patronising and false, and I always feel like I don’t belong there, like I’m being made to look a fool, because I’m autistic and they’re not, and they don’t understand it’s impact. Not only am I affected by autism, but PTSD as well, and combining the two, as well Christmas and it’s ‘togetherness’ of families that never see eye-to-eye, is just an occasion for increased tension, anxiety, stress, and what’s more, a PTSD ‘trigger’ nightmare of comparison between how your life affects you and how their lives affect them. You are constantly reminded of that difference, and it practically kills me to be shown that right in front of my eyes. When I used to go around to my aunt’s house, I would always shut off by playing music and watching my laptop to cut out my surroundings. My cousin always hated that and constantly demanded that I stop, but I wouldn’t listen to her, because she couldn’t have cared less how horrible I felt about the whole situation. Her voice always carried with it arrogance, and she loved to watch me suffer, to remind me of the difference between us both. Since she is neurotypical, life is more like a ‘bed of roses’ for her, but for myself, all that she has feels more like she takes it all for granted. I do not wish to attain her personality, but some of what she is able to do and gain is something I know is more like attempting to get to the moon by jumping with my feet alone!
I can’t stand Christmas, but then I can’t stand the New Year either. It’s constant reminder that my goals in life are so far away, and I’m still nowhere near fulfilling my wishes and dreams.
I can certainly understand how you feel, because I feel the same in many ways.
Hi Bluesky555
Christmas is an awful time of year for me too. My extended family have never understood me nor my conditions, but they always insist on both my mother and I going there for Christmas. It’s painful and agonising because they are so patronising and false, and I always feel like I don’t belong there, like I’m being made to look a fool, because I’m autistic and they’re not, and they don’t understand it’s impact. Not only am I affected by autism, but PTSD as well, and combining the two, as well Christmas and it’s ‘togetherness’ of families that never see eye-to-eye, is just an occasion for increased tension, anxiety, stress, and what’s more, a PTSD ‘trigger’ nightmare of comparison between how your life affects you and how their lives affect them. You are constantly reminded of that difference, and it practically kills me to be shown that right in front of my eyes. When I used to go around to my aunt’s house, I would always shut off by playing music and watching my laptop to cut out my surroundings. My cousin always hated that and constantly demanded that I stop, but I wouldn’t listen to her, because she couldn’t have cared less how horrible I felt about the whole situation. Her voice always carried with it arrogance, and she loved to watch me suffer, to remind me of the difference between us both. Since she is neurotypical, life is more like a ‘bed of roses’ for her, but for myself, all that she has feels more like she takes it all for granted. I do not wish to attain her personality, but some of what she is able to do and gain is something I know is more like attempting to get to the moon by jumping with my feet alone!
I can’t stand Christmas, but then I can’t stand the New Year either. It’s constant reminder that my goals in life are so far away, and I’m still nowhere near fulfilling my wishes and dreams.
I can certainly understand how you feel, because I feel the same in many ways.
Hi Bushido
What you have said really resonates with me and your experiences with extended family feel very familiar, especially comparisons with other people.
I do not have PTSD so I cannot imagine what that must be like to have that as well as autism. I understand what you mean about being nowhere near fulfilling your dreams and wishes. I feel like I have tried really hard to do life the way neurotypicals expect it to be done, and I don't have anything to show for it yet.
Thanks for sharing. It helped me because I can easily forget I'm not alone when I'm collapsing inside. I hope you will get through it all ok.
