Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been referred for an assessment by my GP and haven't told anyone else. I'm in my thirties and have been married for nearly a decade.
Last month I saw a post on social media about female autistic traits and surprisingly, I could relate to every one of them. I started researching and spoke to someone at NAS and took the AQ test they advised. I scored 37. It was like a slow dawning, where all my sensory quirks and social anxieties and list-making connected into something larger. Before that, I wouldn't have believed I was autistic. Last week I realised that some of my behaviours could be labelled as stimming - (I've always had these but previously thought were part of my overall 'weirdness').
I haven't told my husband. I think that if I said I might be autistic, he wouldn't believe me (I struggled to believe it at first). He's not unkind or cruel.
I'm worried about telling him, in case I am assessed and I don't get an autism diagnosis. Then, I'd have to accept that I am just weird and I'd feel embarrassed at exposing a part of me that I've worked my whole life to keep hidden.
I'm assuming they'll want to speak to him at the assessment, so I've got to tell him at some point.
Any advice on how to tell a partner or family member about a referral?
What difference will a diagnosis mean to you? You will be exactly the same person except for a single phrase labelling you.
If you've been married for all that time, then he's supportive of your quirks so it shouldn't really make any difference.
There could be a self-image problem if you consider a possible diagnosis as labelling you as 'faulty'. This can be a big problem, often leading to depression.
If you're self-aware enough to be self-diagnosing, then you can measure yourself and your needs and try to put things in place that reduce your stress and make your world fit better around yourself.
If you can make the world fit you, then there's nothing keep hidden.
From a friends and family perspective, those who matter won't care and those who care don't matter.
I'm not sure. Perhaps in terms of the mental health support I'm offered? Previously I've had suicide attempts and been on and off antidepressants and talking therapies which haven't made a lot of difference. There are local groups but they are only for diagnosed adults.
It would also help with reasonable adjustments at work - having precise instructions, preparation time. And might give me confidence to work somewhere else, where my husband isn't my boss and doesn't make various adjustments due to his kindness and our relationship.
I also take a lot of unofficial 'sick days' where I'm not actually ill but just recovering from a big meeting, or even a conversation (or the preparation for a conversation where I've been up until 4am rehearsing what I'm going to say and the various responses). I'm not sure if having a diagnosis would help with that, specifically.
I'd actually feel less 'faulty' with the diagnosis, as I've spent my whole life working pretty hard to be normal but never reaching it.
I'll accept whatever the assessors say.
You sound just like me!
Be prepared that diagnosis may take a long time - maybe 18 months - and support afterwards is minimal and very much a post-code lottery.
All of the things you mention are all about chaos - things you cannot control and 'put to bed'.
Working with 'normal people' (NTs) is hard work .They simply do not feel the same levels of stress as we do in an imprecise world. They don't even notice it because the world is built by them, for them. Sloppiness and errors and incompetence are their natural modes of operation.
Lots of normal companies have difficulties implementing assistance for anyone other than NTs - they forget their promises but, because we believe they are supposed to helping us, we dare not keep pointing out their failures in case we are seen as liabilities. Things get worse until you meltdown & leave.
This is why lots of Aspies end up in engineering - actively making their world less chaotic. Engineers also don't want fluffy e-mails - just the meat.
Working for your husband might be your best sanctuary job where, with proper adjustments to help you, you will be most accepted. Either that, become an aerospace engineer :o)
There's also often a disconnect where Aspies accidentally end up in jobs that place massive demands on their ability to cope.
Maybe you need to think about your strengths and your weaknesses (things that take too much planning & energy and cause too much stress) and try to fugure out where your place in the world is.
Sensory issues can be a real barrier - I had to leave a university role I loved because I got moved into a large, noisy shared office where I could not hear well enough to use the phone.
Agree about lack of work being a problem too - there's nothing worse than having to pretend to be busy! Time flies past if I am engrossed in what I am doing, which I usually am.
Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll look at that.
Unfortunately our local library has had funding cut recently and is mainly run by volunteers. I did use to work in a book shop, which was nice, but there was a coffee shop attached and the constant smell was giving me headaches. Also we had to 'pretend to be busy' if there were no customers, which I found extremely stressful and resulted in me un-alphabetising and then re-alphabetising shelves of books. I'd rather just do useful jobs.
I don't NEED to but I want to.
I suppose if I stop doing this job, we'd have to pay someone else to do the work I currently do, so I'd lose that income.
I would like to have a second income though, as it would help with financial anxiety.
Your autism assessment report may well contain specific recommendations about the type of work and working environment that would play to your strengths.
My GP has encouraged me to see the Disability Employment Adviser at the local Job Centre to discuss a possible change of career. There are sometimes free courses available or schemes to help you become self employed.
I read a really good book called Odd Girl Out by Laura James who was diagnosed autistic late in life. She recommends waiting six months after diagnosis before making any major changes in your life.
Library work can be quite autism friendly if you get the right branch and colleagues - such a shame so many are being closed down. Tutoring children individually might be something to explore for the future - you've clearly got a gift for this!
Do you need to work? Can you afford to spend your time doing volunteering so you can set your own hours and commitment levels? Remove ALL stress from your life.
Thanks. I'll have a look at STEM ambassador jobs. I've often said to my husband that if I could get paid for listening to children read (and purely that), I'd apply straight away!
My daughter is in the scouts at the moment and I've thought about volunteering but it's just too much on top of everything else that's going on for me at the moment. My husband goes abroard for business several times a month (which probably contributes to the fact we are still together!) so I'm often trying to keep up with daily life.