Published on 12, July, 2020
OK, so I'm hoping you can help.
I have just had a conversation with my son regarding his plans for Christmas. He lives alone and prefers to be in his own environment.
For ages I've been trying to pin him down on what he wants to do. I am his mum and myself and his step dad have been asked to my Husbands family on Christmas Day. The last two years we've not gone and stayed home with my son coming for a couple of hours over dinner which is all he could handle. He doesn't get on great with his dad, step mum and step brother so rarely wants to spend time with them even if they do offer.
I've always only ever wanted what he can cope with and what makes him happy. He shows no interest in the festivities and honestly usually complains through it.
Despite this I've asked him to give me a decision before the end of next week so that I know what to buy and where my husband and myself with be. It was like pulling teeth.
I was sensitive to his needs, gave him limited options and explained we are OK with however he wants to do it but I need to get a decision soon.
He got angry that he felt pushed (I've been gently mentioning it since Nov so it's not like it's a surprise) and then he got upset. He apologised and said it's not my fault. He just finds the whole thing stressful. I understand that. It's lights, Christmas films, good changes, the noises etc which us why we keep it to just us and him. We don't bombard him with extras and he stats as long or short a time as he wants.
Anyway, I told him not to stress and that I don't mind what he decides, even if it's just that I go take his gifts and a dinner to him. I don't mind if he wants to be left alone (I will worry but that's what mum's do). I don't mind if he just comes for the meal. I just need to know.
I have honestly kept the choices as easy as possible. He us almost 30 do i cant just tell him. Besides he'd only be miserable if I did.
What else can I do? Am I doing this wrong? It's making me sad that I feel I'm failing him. I wish I knew what he needed. I've hopefully reassured him it's OK to just say what he needs.
I wish I was better at all this.
Honestly? I think you are being a bit too understanding. Might sound harsh but I have quite a heavy form of ASC, so I do know the stress it gives rise too. In my case that is a lot. Every Christmas I try not to spoil the festivities but I do because I simply can't. I prefer it to be over asap.
That being said, in whatever therapy I've done, they always say: it might give you stress and you might end up with a headache due to overload, but that might just be worth it. Which is true.
So we do go to my aunt's for instance. I still don't like the stress but we stay for a couple of hours and leave.
Now if my aunt and uncle were invited elsewhere, I'd honestly be happy for them and would tell them to go. Because I could only stay for a couple of hours and they'd still be vaguely disappointed.
In other words, you can either sit and wait for your son to come and if he does it is for maybe just a short time, or you could go to your husband's family and enjoy your time there. Sometimes you need to think about yourself. He is also old enough to understand by now.
Thank you. I appreciate your opinion.
I've taken it all on board. I value your advice, I really do.
Thank you again.
I posted that last but about four hours ago and it didn't get through... And suddenly it appears. Sorry if it let to confusion as others have said similar things already.
All in all, I think parents with ASC kids sometimes tend to be overunderstanding if you see what I mean. In the end you are his parent and I feel it is okay to put your foot down at times. Meltdown or not.
My parents raised me very strictly so I never got a chance to go against them. Or get too much space to be difficult. I wasn't diagnosed at the time, and I often think it is for the best. Once you become too understanding, it gives rise to the opportunity of really not cooperating, if that makes any sense.
Christmas was horrible but I had to come anyway. And you learn to sit there for four hours and 'sit it out', it will end. Even if you've got ASC you can try to think of other people too!
I've taken everything on board. I appreciate your help.
Thank you.