Published on 12, July, 2020
OK, so I'm hoping you can help.
I have just had a conversation with my son regarding his plans for Christmas. He lives alone and prefers to be in his own environment.
For ages I've been trying to pin him down on what he wants to do. I am his mum and myself and his step dad have been asked to my Husbands family on Christmas Day. The last two years we've not gone and stayed home with my son coming for a couple of hours over dinner which is all he could handle. He doesn't get on great with his dad, step mum and step brother so rarely wants to spend time with them even if they do offer.
I've always only ever wanted what he can cope with and what makes him happy. He shows no interest in the festivities and honestly usually complains through it.
Despite this I've asked him to give me a decision before the end of next week so that I know what to buy and where my husband and myself with be. It was like pulling teeth.
I was sensitive to his needs, gave him limited options and explained we are OK with however he wants to do it but I need to get a decision soon.
He got angry that he felt pushed (I've been gently mentioning it since Nov so it's not like it's a surprise) and then he got upset. He apologised and said it's not my fault. He just finds the whole thing stressful. I understand that. It's lights, Christmas films, good changes, the noises etc which us why we keep it to just us and him. We don't bombard him with extras and he stats as long or short a time as he wants.
Anyway, I told him not to stress and that I don't mind what he decides, even if it's just that I go take his gifts and a dinner to him. I don't mind if he wants to be left alone (I will worry but that's what mum's do). I don't mind if he just comes for the meal. I just need to know.
I have honestly kept the choices as easy as possible. He us almost 30 do i cant just tell him. Besides he'd only be miserable if I did.
What else can I do? Am I doing this wrong? It's making me sad that I feel I'm failing him. I wish I knew what he needed. I've hopefully reassured him it's OK to just say what he needs.
I wish I was better at all this.
Definitely 2 choices. If I'm given 3, it fogs up my brain and I can't make the decision, it becomes really difficult. But, 2 choices is fine, it's either/or, makes it much easier to fit into my brain space! It's like I have enough space to hold all the data for 2 choices, so I can make that decision a lot more competently, but when it gets to 3, there's not enough room to get it in there and I have to start juggle it around, then I get confused, then I have to start again... and so on. Choosing between 3 things is a nightmare because it's much harder to compare 3 things like-for-like to work out which one is the "right" choice. Autistic thinking is very much binary for me: yes/no, right/wrong, like/dislike. There's no grey space in between these things.
And make sure you explain why you need the answer by a specific time, so you can buy all the right amount of foods etc. There's nothing more frustrating than someone picking an arbitrary date just to force a decision, but if you have a good logical reason, state it because he might not realise why you're imposing a specific date.
Does he prefer routine, and planning ahead? It might help if you plan ahead with him the order of what will happen, like a timetable. Like, you'll be picked up at 12, dinner is 12:30-1:30, the film is 1:30-3:00 and then we'll take you home at 3. Having someone make a timetable can be a good strategy, because he will know what to expect and he will feel more in control, and thus less anxious. If you do a timetable, make sure you stick to it! If you can create him a routine for the day that works, this can become his Christmas Day routine and you can use the same for next year, and it becomes easier the more you do it. A bit late now for this Christmas, but you could also do the same routine on other days of the year, so he gets used to it. Have him over on the third Sunday of each month or something, using the routine. When Christmas comes, he's used to it.
I've taken everything on board. I appreciate your help.
Thank you.
I posted that last but about four hours ago and it didn't get through... And suddenly it appears. Sorry if it let to confusion as others have said similar things already.
All in all, I think parents with ASC kids sometimes tend to be overunderstanding if you see what I mean. In the end you are his parent and I feel it is okay to put your foot down at times. Meltdown or not.
My parents raised me very strictly so I never got a chance to go against them. Or get too much space to be difficult. I wasn't diagnosed at the time, and I often think it is for the best. Once you become too understanding, it gives rise to the opportunity of really not cooperating, if that makes any sense.
Christmas was horrible but I had to come anyway. And you learn to sit there for four hours and 'sit it out', it will end. Even if you've got ASC you can try to think of other people too!
Thank you. I appreciate your opinion.
I've taken it all on board. I value your advice, I really do.
Thank you again.
I agree!
Honestly? I think you are being a bit too understanding. Might sound harsh but I have quite a heavy form of ASC, so I do know the stress it gives rise too. In my case that is a lot. Every Christmas I try not to spoil the festivities but I do because I simply can't. I prefer it to be over asap.
That being said, in whatever therapy I've done, they always say: it might give you stress and you might end up with a headache due to overload, but that might just be worth it. Which is true.
So we do go to my aunt's for instance. I still don't like the stress but we stay for a couple of hours and leave.
Now if my aunt and uncle were invited elsewhere, I'd honestly be happy for them and would tell them to go. Because I could only stay for a couple of hours and they'd still be vaguely disappointed.
In other words, you can either sit and wait for your son to come and if he does it is for maybe just a short time, or you could go to your husband's family and enjoy your time there. Sometimes you need to think about yourself. He is also old enough to understand by now.
I think that's reasonable and fair. I'd also add the default no-reply option of, if we don't hear anything by this date then we're going to sort ourselves out. That way it's clear that if he isn't giving you an explicit decision by that date, then he's made his decision implicitly and he's on his own.
I'm going to reiterate that he has two options and that I've given him lots of time to decide therefore need a decision soon to enable me to make plans.
It feels so upsetting to push him but in this case I haven't really got a choice.
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate all the advice and will take it all on board.
I think I'm going to give him two choices and reassert that I need to know by a certain date.
Thank you for replying. I appreciate your opinion.
I think there's some frustration on my part because i know where you're coming from.
I understand his issues and I am completely supportive but there's a part of me that feels a bit frustrated he won't or can't give an answer.
Again, thank you for your reply.
I agree with Windscale ASD is no excuse to mess you around. The fact that he's living on his own means he has the ability to know what he's doing.
In that case I think you need to stick to the two choices and the time limit. As much as it is hard for him, part of life with ASC is learning about consequences and so he does need to see that you need a decision and that if he doesn't make one, he may not get what he wants. It's hard and it may sound harsh but I think it's probably the only way. He is lucky to have such a supportive mum.
The only other thing I can think of is asking him whether he wants to make the decision or whether he'd rather you made the decision for him.
Maybe I'm harsh or something, but I hate it when people mess others around, regardless of whether they have ASC or not. I think it's just bad manners and I don't see why having ASD necessarily gives you free-pass to have no manners. It's perfectly reasonable that you need advance notice in order to sort out what you're doing. Maybe your son needs to learn that not making a decision is implicitly making a decision. I would have said something like "If you like, you're welcome to come and do similar to last year, but we have another offer as well. If we don't hear by X that you'll be coming, then we'll assume you want to be on your own this year, which is fine, and we'll sort ourselves out...
That way you're not left hanging waiting on a response or not.
Well, I tried to stick with three. Us, alone or dad's. Today we sort of eliminated his dad's and he seemed happy we had worked through that one. Basically he hasn't the best relationship with him and it was stressing him out. So I then said he had two. Us or alone.
I did say whatever he will be comfortable with we can do, wether that be he is here for a limited time or I take him a meal etc.
He got incredibly stressed. Then upset because he couldn't decide.
I gave him the time limit not because I'm being mean but simply because I have to let others know. I don't want that to make him upset but it's awkward when others need to know if you're going there and you need to organise.
We have a great relationship and I do my utmost to be supportive and understanding. I feel bad for even saying its frustrating because I'm sure for him it's way way worse.
How many choices are you giving him? I can understand that you want to make sure it's right for him but I find a choice of lots of options too much. I prefer to pick from two. Could you break the options down? For example start with do you want to spend Christmas day with us or alone? If he manages to make that decision then give him the next option. Just an idea, we are all different, but that would be easier for me.
Thank you for replying. I've asked him already to tell me what his ideal day would be. I've said I just want him to be comfortable.
His dads is a no go I'm fairly sure.
He has come to me and his step dad's the last few years staying a couple of hours. His step dad picks him up n takes him home. He opens gifts, my husband cooks to allow me to sit quietly with him watching whatever he wants, we eat a roast he loves, my husband washes up again to allow him to just chill then he fidgets and we know its time for him to go. There is just me and his step dad. We don't have other family round unless it's his brother but he works most Christmas Days.
This year he seems so agitated and he definitely seems way more resistant to anything festive.
It's not that I want to stress him and I'm OK with whatever he wants or needs. I just need a decision to allow me to get the practicalities sorted.
Again, thank you for replying.
The problem with AS is that every negative incident builds distrust. Also, potential chaos builds anxiety. Dealing with other people and their random actions and a chaotic environment sets up a load of anxiety that makes it hard to want to take part.
If there's already friction with his dad then he will try to avoid the situation. Once there is enough pre-worrying, attending an event becomes extemely difficult or impssible.
You might find it easier to e-mail him and explain you understand his anxiety about the whole thing and ask how it could be made into something he would enjoy rather than endure.
What would be his deal Christmas Day?
We cannot function with our family (various personality issues on their part) so we have a nice, quiet Christmas - just the 3 of us.
No noise, no chaos, nothing unpredictable, nice food, plenty of toys to play with. We wander down the road to feed the ducks mid morning if the weather is ok and we spend the day doing our own thing - together, seperately.
Thank you for replying. I appreciate it. I've just spoken with family about it. I don't think they understand that its not the actual decision he will come to that I will have a problem with. It's the fact he can't decide at all. This leaves me uncertain of my plans. I was reminded of his age and that he may want to make his own decisions. I want him to make his own decision but it isn't that easy. I honestly don't mind if he needs to be at home or if he is with us. Its the practicalities. Food shopping, letting other family know if we can go there or not.
Ive just stood in the shower and sobbed quietly.
I will write the options down for him and see if that helps. I just didn't want to seem like I was telling him what to do. I'll keep the list and the next time I see him I'll maybe offer him the list depending on his mood.
Thank you again for replying.
If anyone else has any advice I'd love to hear it.
Decisions can be difficult for ASC. He may want to please you or spend time with you but know that it is stressful for him. Maybe write down the choices for him and tell him again when you need the decision by. He might get angry initially but he should calm once he's had time to process it all.
I personally like Christmas but for me it has to be the same every year. I don't like the idea of my Christmas routine changing.
Don't beat yourself up. You're not doing anything wrong. You're trying to support your son the best way you know how. Sometimes our thoughts over things are not rational and it's hard for us to make sense of them. Just keeping being a good mum to him and it'll work out.