Published on 12, July, 2020
OK, so I'm hoping you can help.
I have just had a conversation with my son regarding his plans for Christmas. He lives alone and prefers to be in his own environment.
For ages I've been trying to pin him down on what he wants to do. I am his mum and myself and his step dad have been asked to my Husbands family on Christmas Day. The last two years we've not gone and stayed home with my son coming for a couple of hours over dinner which is all he could handle. He doesn't get on great with his dad, step mum and step brother so rarely wants to spend time with them even if they do offer.
I've always only ever wanted what he can cope with and what makes him happy. He shows no interest in the festivities and honestly usually complains through it.
Despite this I've asked him to give me a decision before the end of next week so that I know what to buy and where my husband and myself with be. It was like pulling teeth.
I was sensitive to his needs, gave him limited options and explained we are OK with however he wants to do it but I need to get a decision soon.
He got angry that he felt pushed (I've been gently mentioning it since Nov so it's not like it's a surprise) and then he got upset. He apologised and said it's not my fault. He just finds the whole thing stressful. I understand that. It's lights, Christmas films, good changes, the noises etc which us why we keep it to just us and him. We don't bombard him with extras and he stats as long or short a time as he wants.
Anyway, I told him not to stress and that I don't mind what he decides, even if it's just that I go take his gifts and a dinner to him. I don't mind if he wants to be left alone (I will worry but that's what mum's do). I don't mind if he just comes for the meal. I just need to know.
I have honestly kept the choices as easy as possible. He us almost 30 do i cant just tell him. Besides he'd only be miserable if I did.
What else can I do? Am I doing this wrong? It's making me sad that I feel I'm failing him. I wish I knew what he needed. I've hopefully reassured him it's OK to just say what he needs.
I wish I was better at all this.
Maybe I'm harsh or something, but I hate it when people mess others around, regardless of whether they have ASC or not. I think it's just bad manners and I don't see why having ASD necessarily gives you free-pass to have no manners. It's perfectly reasonable that you need advance notice in order to sort out what you're doing. Maybe your son needs to learn that not making a decision is implicitly making a decision. I would have said something like "If you like, you're welcome to come and do similar to last year, but we have another offer as well. If we don't hear by X that you'll be coming, then we'll assume you want to be on your own this year, which is fine, and we'll sort ourselves out...
That way you're not left hanging waiting on a response or not.
I agree with Windscale ASD is no excuse to mess you around. The fact that he's living on his own means he has the ability to know what he's doing.
I think that's reasonable and fair. I'd also add the default no-reply option of, if we don't hear anything by this date then we're going to sort ourselves out. That way it's clear that if he isn't giving you an explicit decision by that date, then he's made his decision implicitly and he's on his own.
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate all the advice and will take it all on board.
I think I'm going to give him two choices and reassert that I need to know by a certain date.