Published on 12, July, 2020
OK, so I'm hoping you can help.
I have just had a conversation with my son regarding his plans for Christmas. He lives alone and prefers to be in his own environment.
For ages I've been trying to pin him down on what he wants to do. I am his mum and myself and his step dad have been asked to my Husbands family on Christmas Day. The last two years we've not gone and stayed home with my son coming for a couple of hours over dinner which is all he could handle. He doesn't get on great with his dad, step mum and step brother so rarely wants to spend time with them even if they do offer.
I've always only ever wanted what he can cope with and what makes him happy. He shows no interest in the festivities and honestly usually complains through it.
Despite this I've asked him to give me a decision before the end of next week so that I know what to buy and where my husband and myself with be. It was like pulling teeth.
I was sensitive to his needs, gave him limited options and explained we are OK with however he wants to do it but I need to get a decision soon.
He got angry that he felt pushed (I've been gently mentioning it since Nov so it's not like it's a surprise) and then he got upset. He apologised and said it's not my fault. He just finds the whole thing stressful. I understand that. It's lights, Christmas films, good changes, the noises etc which us why we keep it to just us and him. We don't bombard him with extras and he stats as long or short a time as he wants.
Anyway, I told him not to stress and that I don't mind what he decides, even if it's just that I go take his gifts and a dinner to him. I don't mind if he wants to be left alone (I will worry but that's what mum's do). I don't mind if he just comes for the meal. I just need to know.
I have honestly kept the choices as easy as possible. He us almost 30 do i cant just tell him. Besides he'd only be miserable if I did.
What else can I do? Am I doing this wrong? It's making me sad that I feel I'm failing him. I wish I knew what he needed. I've hopefully reassured him it's OK to just say what he needs.
I wish I was better at all this.
The problem with AS is that every negative incident builds distrust. Also, potential chaos builds anxiety. Dealing with other people and their random actions and a chaotic environment sets up a load of anxiety that makes it hard to want to take part.
If there's already friction with his dad then he will try to avoid the situation. Once there is enough pre-worrying, attending an event becomes extemely difficult or impssible.
You might find it easier to e-mail him and explain you understand his anxiety about the whole thing and ask how it could be made into something he would enjoy rather than endure.
What would be his deal Christmas Day?
We cannot function with our family (various personality issues on their part) so we have a nice, quiet Christmas - just the 3 of us.
No noise, no chaos, nothing unpredictable, nice food, plenty of toys to play with. We wander down the road to feed the ducks mid morning if the weather is ok and we spend the day doing our own thing - together, seperately.
Thank you for replying. I've asked him already to tell me what his ideal day would be. I've said I just want him to be comfortable.
His dads is a no go I'm fairly sure.
He has come to me and his step dad's the last few years staying a couple of hours. His step dad picks him up n takes him home. He opens gifts, my husband cooks to allow me to sit quietly with him watching whatever he wants, we eat a roast he loves, my husband washes up again to allow him to just chill then he fidgets and we know its time for him to go. There is just me and his step dad. We don't have other family round unless it's his brother but he works most Christmas Days.
This year he seems so agitated and he definitely seems way more resistant to anything festive.
It's not that I want to stress him and I'm OK with whatever he wants or needs. I just need a decision to allow me to get the practicalities sorted.
Again, thank you for replying.