Published on 12, July, 2020
OK, so I'm hoping you can help.
I have just had a conversation with my son regarding his plans for Christmas. He lives alone and prefers to be in his own environment.
For ages I've been trying to pin him down on what he wants to do. I am his mum and myself and his step dad have been asked to my Husbands family on Christmas Day. The last two years we've not gone and stayed home with my son coming for a couple of hours over dinner which is all he could handle. He doesn't get on great with his dad, step mum and step brother so rarely wants to spend time with them even if they do offer.
I've always only ever wanted what he can cope with and what makes him happy. He shows no interest in the festivities and honestly usually complains through it.
Despite this I've asked him to give me a decision before the end of next week so that I know what to buy and where my husband and myself with be. It was like pulling teeth.
I was sensitive to his needs, gave him limited options and explained we are OK with however he wants to do it but I need to get a decision soon.
He got angry that he felt pushed (I've been gently mentioning it since Nov so it's not like it's a surprise) and then he got upset. He apologised and said it's not my fault. He just finds the whole thing stressful. I understand that. It's lights, Christmas films, good changes, the noises etc which us why we keep it to just us and him. We don't bombard him with extras and he stats as long or short a time as he wants.
Anyway, I told him not to stress and that I don't mind what he decides, even if it's just that I go take his gifts and a dinner to him. I don't mind if he wants to be left alone (I will worry but that's what mum's do). I don't mind if he just comes for the meal. I just need to know.
I have honestly kept the choices as easy as possible. He us almost 30 do i cant just tell him. Besides he'd only be miserable if I did.
What else can I do? Am I doing this wrong? It's making me sad that I feel I'm failing him. I wish I knew what he needed. I've hopefully reassured him it's OK to just say what he needs.
I wish I was better at all this.
Decisions can be difficult for ASC. He may want to please you or spend time with you but know that it is stressful for him. Maybe write down the choices for him and tell him again when you need the decision by. He might get angry initially but he should calm once he's had time to process it all.
I personally like Christmas but for me it has to be the same every year. I don't like the idea of my Christmas routine changing.
Don't beat yourself up. You're not doing anything wrong. You're trying to support your son the best way you know how. Sometimes our thoughts over things are not rational and it's hard for us to make sense of them. Just keeping being a good mum to him and it'll work out.
Thank you for replying. I appreciate it. I've just spoken with family about it. I don't think they understand that its not the actual decision he will come to that I will have a problem with. It's the fact he can't decide at all. This leaves me uncertain of my plans. I was reminded of his age and that he may want to make his own decisions. I want him to make his own decision but it isn't that easy. I honestly don't mind if he needs to be at home or if he is with us. Its the practicalities. Food shopping, letting other family know if we can go there or not.
Ive just stood in the shower and sobbed quietly.
I will write the options down for him and see if that helps. I just didn't want to seem like I was telling him what to do. I'll keep the list and the next time I see him I'll maybe offer him the list depending on his mood.
Thank you again for replying.
If anyone else has any advice I'd love to hear it.