Published on 12, July, 2020
I notice it when I go shopping with my stepdaughter or granddaughter. That look that says "WTF have we got here then?" I sense I give off certain vibes.
People quite often appear to look at me strangely, but I am very tall & tend to walk quite quickly, so I usually just assume they feel intimidated.
I suppose it depends on whether you look back. I think a lot of the time people are just lost in their own thoughts & staring into space rather than looking directly at me (or even where they are going), but if I look back at them & they notice, then they really do start looking at me, presumably thinking why am I staring at them!
Even though it was over forty years ago, I also still have issues with PTSD from horrible experiences at school, which tends to make me scan most people I pass on the street, usually I can do this without them noticing though, so it doesn't necessarily trigger the "What are you staring at" response.
All just part of the ridiculous game of body language signals, with practice I have learned to be reasonably OK at playing that game myself, but try not to worry about other random people's strange behaviour too much.
Sounds so much like me, Pirate Santa. I'm very tall, too - it's usually the first thing people remark on when they meet me. Maybe I seem intimidating. Once I tell them I have ASC, too, that probably throws lots of switches!
My recent problem at work is related to school-time experiences 50 years ago. It is PTSD. I had a few problems trying to convince even our behaviour support team to understand that. If someone shouts at me, it's traumatic. It re-opens old wounds. And it's going to make me ill.
I don't know if you saw this short article. It says it all, I think:
At the Intersection of Autism and Trauma
I don't have trauma from the bullying , but even decades on from it I'm wary of people to the point of paranoia . I always expect the worst unless people prove otherwise.
I don't see how I can do otherwise. When I'm at work, I'm back in an environment which includes someone who has created a lot of problems for me. My anxiety then goes up several notches. It only dissipates when I know she's either off the premises, or when I go home. There's not really much I can control about that situation - except through the support measures I'm already getting. I can't 'change' that feeling, unless I take something like diazepam to quell the anxiety.
This woman encouraged me from the start by taking a real interest in my condition, and saying she 'understood' it and 'got' it. No one else there had said that to me. She asked me how it had affected me in life, and if I'd experienced bullying - which I said I had. She seemed genuinely sympathetic about this. So it encouraged trust and confidence. I thought 'At least there's one colleague here I can talk to.'
And then she trounces all over that. Takes the knowledge and uses it against me. Betrayal.
Martian Tom I think you're maybe also hyperfocussing on that person?
In some ways, I think that's the best way to be. I still get caught out, though. It feels like gullibility on my part. Instead, it's betrayal on theirs. Betrayal of the trust I put in them.