Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, i have a brother in his early 30s we highly suspect has Aspergers or something similar. Have done some reading online and seems like it's important we get him diagnosed. In the mean time, me and another sibling are trying to get our brother to understand and make changes to his current habits/lifestyle. for example, he neglects personal hygiene. He doesn't take regular showers to the point a layer of skin/dirt accumulates all over his body, developing sores, filthy home, mites, etc. he's not regularly changing his clothes, i.e. underwear/socks and so the smell is obviously offending.
The reasons may be far from obvious so I agree with qwerty it's a good idea to discuss it with your brother. Sometimes people find it embarrassing to ask about this kind of thing but it's often the best way to understand what's going on.
Years ago I worked with a woman whose personal care deteriorated dramatically. When I asked her about this she said it was because of the lighting in her bathroom. The psychiatrist had assumed it was a deterioration in her mental health and wanted to give her a higher dose of anti-psychotic medication. Environmental factors are often underestimated.
If you can be really neutral, unemotional and non-judgmental when you ask about this it may help. My sister came to clean my house when it got in a state after the birth of my first child. I felt very ashamed and I was acutely conscious of her reaction to my mess. In some ways it would have been easier if it had been someone I knew less well helping me to sort things out.
I'm beginning to wonder if we need professional help as he tries (successfully) to avoid answering/addressing any questions regarding his lack of hygiene...
I'm not sure how you would enlist professional help, assuming that he has capacity and is choosing not to bathe or shower. I have the same problem with my son and we are basically left to try to resolve this within the family. Of course, if he is developing sores then this could be construed as a risk so it might be worth speaking to his GP and I wouldn't entirely rule this out.
Keeping it relaxed and neutral might be helpful, as Sunflower suggests. Also exploring other aspects of his life that might be moving personal hygiene to a low priority. If he is struggling with something else then hygiene isn't going tos eem very important in comparison.
I am also wondering whether your brother has always been this way or whether there was a time when things were better. If so maybe the background to this could be explored. What was happening when things were better or worse and can anything be learnt from these times?
Overall though I would be leery of trying to persuade him to change. Whilst natural lines of conversation feel OK, I always find that the more I try to persuade the more the other person digs their heels in and defends their position. I had this with my dad and his hygiene problems - the more we fretted, cajoled, persuaded and even hinted, the more he felt we didn't understand and withdrew still further. He could feel out frustration and this added to some very negative feelings he was already experiencing.
So i would urge caution and maybe focus on what he'd like to do and whether he's OK with seeking a diagnosis at this point in his life.