Head-Crash

Hello all,

I was taking time out and I didn't want to bother people again.  But something has happened and a I don't know who else I can talk to with the same level of understanding as I get here.  Everyone knows my back-story.  Many of you know, too, I had a bit of a rough time a month or two back  after a colleague gave me a hard time.  Since I returned to work she's been okay, as if nothing happened, and I've tried to let it go.  It hasn't been easy, and I don't really like being around her, but we've managed.  She hasn't a clue of the impact her seemingly trivial action had on me, but as we all know - there's little to be gained in trying to get people to understand, and it's probably best left.

Yesterday was a stressful day by normal standards, but I was managing.  There was an incident in the afternoon involving the client I was with and it shook me up a bit.  Maybe I should have taken some time out, but I felt okay and carried on.  However, things spilled over until later on in the afternoon.  I was still dealing with this client when there was another incident involving her.  I was around other staff members at this time and doing my best to control the situation - which I was misreading.  Included in this group was the member of staff mentioned before.  The 'people-pleaser' in me felt I should be doing one thing to handle the situation (because everyone has different ways of handling these situations), but part of me knew there was a better answer.  But I was under stress - more so than even I realised.  It got to a point where another member of staff (friendly with the one mentioned earlier, and similar in personality) came to intervene.  Apparently, the manager had asked her to because it sounded like I needed help - which I didn't, really.  She effectively took control of the situation by, essentially, undermining my authority (though she wouldn't see it that way.)  The other staff member mentioned before then came an joined her, and it soon escalated into an attack on my ability to do the job properly. 'You were allowing the situation to get out of control', 'You were provoking the incident,' etc.  I was getting multiple inputs from them, sending my anxiety higher.  It felt like being attacked.  Finally, my anxiety red-lined... and I turned and punched the wall.

That sent shock waves, as you can imagine.  We have clients who do that all the time, and no one bats an eye-lid - because it's expected.  They look at me and they look at the clients who do that and see vastly different people, because I don't have learning disabilities and care needs.  They don't understand that - these factors aside - I have more in common with the clients than I do with the staff.  But for some reason, I'm not expected to have my limits and behave that way.  Naturally, the staff go straight to the manager and report me because they're so shocked at my appalling behaviour.  I then take time out and speak to the manager, who is very understanding.  I then speak to another senior manager, who is also understanding.  They've convened a meeting this afternoon that I need to attend, with all parties concerned, so that this can be aired.  I need to say my piece.  I need to tell them all how it really is with me.  I need to remind them all:

I'm autistic, too - as they well know.  I may look like everyone else, and behave in all sorts of 'normal' ways.  But I have limits that they don't. 

I was planning to go in this morning, but I'm too shaken up still.  My manager understands. I'm still shaking as I write this.  I don't know how this is all going to pan out.  But if those two staff members turn against me, life will be very difficult for me there.

I just don't know what else I can do.  Except not drink at this time, and I know I won't.  Somehow, I must keep my head and go through it.

I didn't know who else I could tell who would understand.

Thank you for reading.

Tom