What did you assume was responsible for your behavioural issues prior to diagnosis?

I have always had "problems with authority" apparently. Like you, I have no clue why someone is worthy or respect due to a job title, and I tend to call a spade a spade (or an idiot an idiot). Like you, I have found that this is not usually well received in work environments. As an aside, did you read the research a little while back which concluded that a surprisingly high percentage of people in management exhibit psychopathic tendencies? .... probably explains a lot. As a child, I was an obsessive collector and had obsessive special interests, but I think everyone just thought I was bright because I always had my nose in a book.

I can also relate very much to the inequality in friendships. It's happened to me so many time, I just can't be bothered any more. If there's no evidence of equal effort, I just give up on it.

Before I knew why, I blamed my inability to stick with a job for long on the flightiness of youth, my alleged "disrespect" on the perversity of assumed respect based on job/age etc, and my difficulties with things emotional on "that's just the way I am". I didn't realise my sensory sensitivities were sensory sensitivities until I was overwhelmed by them (this was largely what precipitated my diagnosis at 46) and I thought my lousy social skills were just me not being a people person. 

Other things that I remember from childhood now make sense. My eye contact is "normal" now, but if I had a quid for every time as a child someone said "look at me when I'm talking to you", I'd be rich!

Now that I know I have Asperger's, so many things make sense. Most of my life in fact. I didn't have a painful upbringing or anything like that that I could have suspected as a cause for all of it, but it took me that long to join the dots. I am female though, and women going undiagnosed seems to be far more prevalent than men.

Yeah, I've noticed from experience that negative behavioural traits such as brown-nosing, bullying, throwing ones weight around or just generally being incompetent, manipulative or an abrasive *** are generally rewarded in the workplace with promotion to some form of management position.

I have no respect for people like that.

I also had problems with eye contact when I was a kid, I have specific memories of being freaked out by the way some teachers eyes darted around from left to right.

My mum was of the opinion that if I didn't look her in the eye or my face flushed red, I was lying to her, when it was actually anxiety.

I've also always had a narrow range of what would probably be considered niche interests.

I love certain types of sci-fi TV. 

Trek was my gateway, I was obsessed with it. I know way too much about it, to point where I can answer obscure questions or identify episodes by a few seconds of footage. I also love shows such as Stargate, Babylon 5, etc. My current sci-fi obsession is The Expanse - it's amazing.

I've also always been obsessed by technology. First it was digital watches and scientific calculators then on to games consoles, home computers and PCs.

Now I work in a fairly senior IT based role and am always fiddling with some form of tech.

Since being introduced to trance and progressive house at the age of 18 I pretty much exclusively listen to those genres and certain subgenres. I was pretty heavily into clubbing in the late 90's / early 2000's. For me it was all about the music and dancing, I was rarely social in that environment, instead choosing to find a good spot to dance in whete I'd spend hours.

I'm also obsessed with cats and will always try and make friends with any I see in the street.

I'm also obsessed with The Simpsons and can remember tons of related facts, scenes / lines.

I had a twin brother so from a very early age I began measuring and comparing myself and seeing the 'right' way to do things but not understanding why everyone else did things in such a half-assed way. I became very good / expert in anything I turned my hand to. My thirst for data and knowledge and not needing others to hold me back meant I explored the world on my own.

I measured teenager behaviour and copied very well - went to gigs, got a girlfriend, got a Saturday job, learned to drive, got loads of qualifications, got a job, got a house, got married, had a child - everything everyone expected of me. Without ever trying or wanting to do it - I was a child pretending.

My behaviours meant I was perfect - too perfect. Like Mr Data.

Everyone used to just accept me as a walking data-bank & memory man and hard-working problem solver.

In environments where everyone was pulling in the same direction, all with a common goal, I was amazing.

It all started to unravel when I was working for a manipulative, lazy, incompetent manager who blatantly used me and lied to my face all the time - I started to malfunction badly because I couldn't reconcile his behaviour.

In this political environment, I crumbled, became seriously ill, ended up getting diagnosed with ASD and never recovered.

I've spent a lot of time measuring myself since and feel as though I have been a good person all my life. I have 'done the right thing' at every opportunity and have no regrets about things I have done.

I had a twin brother so from a very early age I began measuring and comparing myself and seeing the 'right' way to do things but not understanding why everyone else did things in such a half-assed way. I became very good / expert in anything I turned my hand to. My thirst for data and knowledge and not needing others to hold me back meant I explored the world on my own.

I measured teenager behaviour and copied very well - went to gigs, got a girlfriend, got a Saturday job, learned to drive, got loads of qualifications, got a job, got a house, got married, had a child - everything everyone expected of me. Without ever trying or wanting to do it - I was a child pretending.

My behaviours meant I was perfect - too perfect. Like Mr Data.

Everyone used to just accept me as a walking data-bank & memory man and hard-working problem solver.

In environments where everyone was pulling in the same direction, all with a common goal, I was amazing.

It all started to unravel when I was working for a manipulative, lazy, incompetent manager who blatantly used me and lied to my face all the time - I started to malfunction badly because I couldn't reconcile his behaviour.

In this political environment, I crumbled, became seriously ill, ended up getting diagnosed with ASD and never recovered.

I've spent a lot of time measuring myself since and feel as though I have been a good person all my life. I have 'done the right thing' at every opportunity and have no regrets about things I have done.

So, you don’t have the Haynes manual either! Lol

Exactly.

White knuckle stuff..having to be super adult with a goey childlike centre that wants to run and play... or just can’t work it out

Yes - excellent film - I still identfy with David in AI, Mr Data and Bicentennial Man. Child-like, naive and innocent but exposed to the atrocities of the adult world but not understanding the reality.

Have you seen the wonderful  Metropolis?

I get the kid brain mindset as well... still catching up... child self running after the life bus...laces untied invariably...

Yes - the people you spend most time with. Their traits rub off over time. Avoid the negative.

I have always had a "what if" mentality. I find with most people, "the answer is no - what's the question?" It means I see opportunities for expansion of my mind when others ignore what is in front of them. It fits with my 16-year old's brain.

I assume you mean physical proximity? Crap.. if that is the case I need more plastic spoons to dig with..!!

so Is it negativity and closed mindedness you dislike? You’re right to seek a place that more soothes, than sears 

It's interesting - I'm watching Bicentennial Man on the TV right now - and all I see is myself in the robot character. Only I'm slightly less human.

I remember something that really resonated with me - "you become the average of the 5 closest people to you".

So if you are surrounded by negative people, you become negative, surrounded by positive people, you become positive. I deliberately avoid negative people. I attend meetup gatherings where most of the people know my of my AS. They are all fine with it. There are a few people I avoid but on the whole, retired people with no axe to grind anymore are much more laid back & accepting.

I’m still in a box surrounded by NTs but trying to spend more time with ND folk and more positive human behaviours...in a hope to nurture myself more.

each “ding” of the bell seems to require me to step up even  more and I’m very conscious that it’s not sustainable and my wellbeing needs more self care. 

Glac you have achieved self sufficiency and I hope it is a healthy and nurturing place for you right now

Yes - but it really grates when all the people who let you down are the ones whos asses you've saved so many times. Always your best friend until it's convenient to use you and drop you.

I'm lucky that I am self suffiicient. I would hate to have to rely on other people now. Burned too many times.

Plastic said:

. I must have had an automatic short-straw dispenser on my desk.

Lol... glad it’s on your desk, if on your person they’d be no place for the broom 

Yes, third class.. not seen, not heard, but useful. The NAS names we give ourselves are very telling as well

. said:

difficult not to personalise or penalise self because of my difference but it has amounted to a great sense of social self isolation and lack of self esteem. 

That's where I ended up. I had done so much for so many for so long that I realised that no-one else was doing those things. I stepped back and assessed myself - I was a fool. I was performing as a perfect person when all of those people I was trying to measure up to were all inferior in so many ways.

My huge lack of self esteem plummeted even more and I saw that I had turned myself into a 3rd class person.

A droid to be used and relied on but, as you say, never included. Even my manager used to take the team out for breakfasts knowing my health problems meant I could never partake.

Cruel. Deliberately isolating me from the team. I remember being asked at short notice if I could look after the building one lunchtime - I said yes of course (automatic response - and they knew it) - and all the others went out on a 3-hour leaving do arranged behind my back.

It wasn't that they didn't like me - far from it - it's just that no-one valued me enough to invite along and they needed someone to stay behind. I must have had an automatic short-straw dispenser on my desk.

My opinion of NTs is very low. I avoid them at all costs.

I can identify with the notion of not “measuring up”, being part of the scene but separate from. All my memories seem to be of me in isolation.. walking on my own in the countryside, time spent in my room on my own reading, observing the behaviours of others and the scenes of others “living” and not being able to connect to it... but wanting to.. however not knowing how to..

like you Plastic, getting a reputation as the fix-it... left out until something was needed from me. Not good enough to be accepted... but useful enough to have around the place.. stepping up to do the things that others don’t want to do.

succesful at work, a grafter, academic .. almost over compensating.. or having to burrow my self into that I know that I have a degree of control and mastery of.

difficult not to personalise or penalise self because of my difference but it has amounted to a great sense of social self isolation and lack of self esteem. 

So, bottom line, if not autistic... I’m just rather below par. Nowadays, awaiting a diagnosis, and probably still a bit rubbish as a human