Asperger's Mum but failing....help

Hi Maaya,

Can I just ask a couple of general questions.  What, in your mind, seems to be the trigger for these episodes, and does she communicate these triggers to you?  Is she like it at school as well, or just at home (assuming that she is of school age)?

Tom

She is 6, the triggers are quite varied;  losing a game, hair washing, things not going as she thought they would, sometimes she just gets through the doorway from school argues with her sister and boom! She is very keen on fairness and if she feels she has not been treated like her sister then that can cause it too.  I am really not dealing with it very well and I wonder if that has made it worse but I am at a loss as to what to do.  There are no real problems at school she is hardworking and very well behaved.  Although she gets anxious about her work as it has to be perfect.

She is 6, the triggers are quite varied;  losing a game, hair washing, things not going as she thought they would, sometimes she just gets through the doorway from school argues with her sister and boom! She is very keen on fairness and if she feels she has not been treated like her sister then that can cause it too.  I am really not dealing with it very well and I wonder if that has made it worse but I am at a loss as to what to do.  There are no real problems at school she is hardworking and very well behaved.  Although she gets anxious about her work as it has to be perfect.

I think the GP isn't bothered because she is coping at school, so no point in approaching school either really.  Its mainly the one's I've mentioned, she is very shy around new people and relies on her sister a lot.  She is quite obsessive about one particular girl and isn't interested in knowing others, although I have had other children around.  She is however able to play fairly co-operatively although she is quite passive.  I think its just early days and sadly if she does have AS it wont be diagnosed until something goes wrong at school.

Many thanks

Oh, sorry . I thought from your original post that she was diagnosed.  So, why is the GP refusing a referral?  Have you spoken to the school ? What other traits and behaviours is she exhibiting that make you suspect AS? 

Hi

Thank you for your reply, my daughter doesn't have a diagnosis, although I guess you are right she certainly has some traits, another one being how much she adores her best friend and wants to dress exactly like her.  However the GP isn't making a referral and school would laugh at me because she is no problem to them.  I will look at some autism strategies though, thank you.

Maaya

Please try not to think of yourself as 'failing', maaya.  Autism at any level can be a very difficult and challenging condition for families to have to deal with.  Her perfectionism and sense of fairness can be quite common.  Losing a game could be a very big deal in that sense.  She's very young, but Aspies generally have a strong sense of what's right and wrong, and things can often be very 'black and white' in that regard. We tend not to like like lies, deceit, cutting corners with tasks, etc.   Children at that age anyway can have a very keen sense of what's fair and unfair, but it can be more sharply focused with someone with Asperger's.  Sometimes, negotiation is needed. She may not understand straight away, even with a proper explanation, that she is being treated with equal fairness.  Does she ever explain why she feels she is being unfairly treated?  Strategies such as 'Social Stories' can be used to help autistic people to understand, for instance, that it's alright for other people to win games sometimes, or for other people to get special treats on occasions (like birthdays).  These take a gradual approach to the processes involved, and help autistic people to assimilate and 'accept' the situation.  This link explains more:

Social Stories

The hair washing thing - again, does she say what she doesn't like about it?  It could be a sensory issue she has: water too hot or too cold, or water falling on her head in the first place.  I work with people with autism (low-functioning, though I hate the term!) and they can be very sensitive to certain things like that (as can all autistic people, of course).  One refuses to have her hair combed at all.  Another refuses to wear undergarments or socks.  Another hates any contact with water at all.  These are just thoughts.

Well-behaved at school and disruptive at home is again very common.  Often, people with autism will find school (as I did myself) an extremely stressful and anxiety-inducing environment, and will hold it all in, maybe for fear of repercussions  - only to release it all later in the more familiar environment at home, among those closest to them.

Have you sought any advice?  Do you have any input from a behavioural therapist, for instance?  It will depend upon provision in your area.  Some areas - like where I live, in Kent - have special autism trusts you can contact, and they'll have Family Support officers who could advise.  You're certainly not alone in this regard.

Check out here to see what might be available where you live:

Autism Services Directory

Also, there's information elsewhere on this site, though you may have already checked:

Family Life

There are various links - including to things like Challenging Behaviour.

You might want to check out some of these publications, too:

Books and Resources for Families and Carers

Best wishes,

Tom