Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve just realised that I probably am Autistic, although my friends and family will be very surprised as I mask very well. Much of my turmoil is internal but occassionally gets verbalised. I will be seeking a formal diagnosis.
Since realising that I probably am Autistic, I’ve felt like I’m in a constant state of meltdown internally. I can’t focus on anything, I’m obsessed with reading about Autism in women (I am a woman, in my 30’s), my thoughts race, I feel anxious and sick. Because I don’t KNOW for sure, I’m not officially diagnosed, I feel like I can’t relax until I know for sure, and also it’s like I’m having to reassess all my beliefs and experiences which I’d previously attributed to other things (laziness, depression, dyslexia, anxiety, just being a bit different, being highly sensitive, childhood trauma, an empath etc etc etc). But I feel can’t properly decide whether they are all due to being Autistic until I have a proper diagnosis. It would explain a lot of problems in my marriage too.
Has anyone else experienced this? A difficult time processing you diagnosis/potential diagnosis?
Also, a work thing has happened, a small thing really. A colleague has emailed a manager hinting at me not having done my job properly, or at least that’s how I’ve percieved it. It’s sent me into total meltdown because I know I have. I feel physically sick and like I might pass out, it’s a bodily feeling of meltdown if that makes sense? Like I’m angry in every fibre of my being. I can’t just let it go/forget about it/not worry as my friends have suggested. It’s a situation which is easily resolvable as I have evidence, but I have to work with this colleague and feel betrayed. It’s the feeling of not being able to let it go and it becoming such a huge thing when it’s not a huge thing to anyone else. This happens a lot. I’ve left many a job because of it and because I can’t cope with these feelings. It’s like wherever I go aI feel I’m being persecuted.
Is this a ‘normal’ Autistic experience? Could it be caused by Autism? I just feel so different and such shame for not being able to cope with situations like this which other people seem to percieve as just bumps.
Hi there,
I touch points with a lot of what you say. Internal turmoil, anxiety, difficulty with processing a lot of stuff. I can't multi-task. I hate leaving a job unfinished. When I see work colleagues ignoring important jobs or doing them slap-dash, it saddens me and angers me to the point that I don't know how to express myself. I got close to a full meltdown recently over a simple thing where I felt I was being taken for granted.
I got my diagnosis 3 years ago, at the age of 56. It answered a lot of questions for me. It certainly explained a lot of things about the failure of my marriage in 2004 - but it came too late for that. I first started to realise I was probably on the spectrum about 5 years ago. From that point, I wanted the diagnosis. I wanted validation. I was sick of feeling 'sick' - anxious, depressed - for no reason that I could properly explain to anyone, even doctors. I turned to drink as a crutch. My drinking has gotten progressively out of hand. At the weekend, I reached crisis with it (as many other good people on these forums will know). All I would say to you is... don't go down that route. It leads to hell. At the same time, our 'differences', and the issues we encounter because of them, often means that life can seem difficult to handle without something. Many self-medicate. Many conventional medications, such as anti-depressants, don't work for us.
Your issue at work would also make me sick. Actually, I have had a similar issue with a colleague who took me into her confidence and showed me support and friendship - and then dumped me over something silly. It's caused such grief that I've decided not to go back to work today. I've been on two weeks' leave and was due back today, but couldn't face it so rang in sick. If I'm honest, my behaviour at the weekend was in good part behind it. People don't realise how much damage they can cause. Others have said 'Just let it go over your head.' But my head doesn't work like that. And when you've spent a lot of your life finding other people to be either indifferent towards you at best, or hostile towards you at worst, it tends to make you feel unsafe with any form of human attachment. I don't have any friends as such, though I have people I know I definitely can trust. I feel safe here, too. The people on these forums are some of the best people I've ever 'known', and I've not met a single one of them.
Nothing you've said strikes me as odd at all. I could probably have written a lot of it myself. You sum up my feelings exactly.
Do you think you will go down the diagnostic route? I would encourage anyone to. Have you done the AQ test? It's here if not.
AQ Test
Also, check out the other resources on the NAS site...
Asperger's Syndrome
There's a link to info about getting a diagnosis.
Good luck. You're not alone
Tom