helping teenagers to develop everyday skills

Hi

Thanks for your reply.It is good to know that others think I am doing the right thing.Angus has a very clear goal about what he wants to do.He is really wanting to go to uni-but is worried about how he will cope.I will keep practising some life skills with him but I will take it at his pace. I am hoping that as he matures even more so will his peers and things will get a wee bit easier for him. I just want to go in to school with him like a chaperone and tell anyone who is unkind to him to " leave my boy alone!!" but that would be so uncool!!!!

Thanks again for your advice Spektral

Hi

Thankyou for your reply.It really helped and gave me some strategies to help my son cope which I hadn't thought of before.I asked Angus if he thought it would help to evaluate difficult environments and list the things he found most stressful.He thinks it is a great idea too and is keen to try it.We are going to start with school and what worries him about starting mainstream school again.He really wants to go back to school as his own personal goal is to get to university.

It was good to see you mention avoiding adverse situations as Angus tends to do this which only leads to frustration for him as he knows what he wants to do - he just doesn't know how to get there.

Your advice has been really helpful and has given us a way to move forward. Thanks again.

Pauli

Hi Katie

Thanks for your great reply. I often wondered why Angus always needed a hoodie on when going out and now I know.I will take your advice about having other objects he likes with him on journeys too.The smaller school hasn't really worked out socially for him.It was just a bit too small I think and he was bullied all over again. He was bullied for being different socially and for being academic so he couldn't win!

As you so rightly said no one notices the quiet kids - which is terrible and needs to change.

Thanks again for your help Katie x

Hello again Pauli,

As you said in my thread, your son and I are very similar and I can totally relate to everything you just said.

Primary school was great. A small country primary with nice teachers and kids. Secondary school from day 1, I really hated. I had the option to go to a smaller school when I couldn’t cope with mainstream schooling. It was decided that I would be better off in mainstream as I would eventually get used to it. I wish I had gone there it would have helped me so much, school was just as bad right up to my last day.

School for me was totally different from everything else. Kids are (and were then too!) a total mystery of random thoughts and behaviours. People used to say I was born a 40 year old as I am so sensible and logical.  As soon as I left school and everyone started to mature it was so much easier. Friends went to uni and I used to visit them a lot. I didn’t have any problems with that at all. It was busy and loud but I could still get on with it as people were a bit more intellectual.

Pauli said:

I have been taking him on bus journeys and train journeys in an attempt to help him get used to public places. He is trying so hard but it stresses him out so much. 

That is a great sign. Like me, I wanted to do these things and tried really hard to do them. I have been doing that since I was his age and It has really paid off. It has helped me manage my stress levels no end. As KaloJaro said if you are  going on these journeys make sure you have a goal that’s clear from the start and stick to it. Its so stressful when you don’t know what’s going on. Its one of the worst occasions for me personally. I used to plan out my trips. walk to the station to get the 11:15 train, I would need to know what stops are along the way so I know I am not going to miss my stop (I am still convinced I am going to miss my stop everything I get a bus or train), then what shops I want to go to get what it is I want and the train times for coming home.

Even now I cant really use buses. For some reason I cant understand bus time  tables, I have zero sense of direction and I cannot remember place names so they really scare me! I don’t think I will ever get over that.

I think you are totally doing the right thing. I would suggest, once he feels ready, you could ask him to go get something for you. Maybe just a single train stop away. he could go with friends too. explain what you want, where to get it from and what time the trains are. 

I don't know how widely applicable this is as I am at the mild end, and I realise environments can have severe impact on some.

Nevertheless I have found some value in evaluating environments to see what it is that affects me, and what part of an environment might be easier to cope with (compromise).

Obviously at 15 that might be asking a lot for your son, but I do wonder, if helped to do so, confronting difficult environments and working out their adverse points might be beneficial.

The danger is people just avoid all adverse environments where possible, and that is very limiting and leads to avoidance of less difficult environments in case they get worse.

For example, and I've included this in posts on other threads, I've sat in a supermarket and tried to work out what is worst. The hazards are the tills beeping, especially at the small number of items or self service end, the fridges humming, near the entrance, and certain areas where peiople tend to congregate and congest the walkways. I can chart a way through the maze and still use a supermarket comfortably.

I have a lot of bother with things happening near the periphery of my vision, converging traffic (especially at night or in the rain with headlights, or non-dipped headlights) and the noise of engines and horns. Or in crowded shopping malls where people are crossing my path etc. If I find such a situation difficult stopping and facing the main source for a bit is easier and more relaxing, and enables me to carry on.

Knowing what environmental situations affect you badly means you can plan around them. Also it is worth working out your tolerance range. If you can stand five minutes in a noisy environment that might be enough to do what you need to do; another area you might be OK for 20 minutes, then get stressed.

Hope this helps, but as I say not sure how applicable these ideas are from my abler standpoint.

Hi Pauli, I have Aspergers too, only I was diagnosed at the end of last year aged 17 (the psychologist was amazed no one had noticed I had it all these years, goes to show how much effort goes into the quiet kids).

I also have trouble with noisy environments, throughout high school I used to hide in the library.

I think he should stay at his private school until he reaches colledge/6th form, because that in itself is a big step into adulthood, also, I found that year 12 and 13 were the years my peers, who used to take pleasure humiliating or bullying me, finally started growing up, and were generally nicer to be around, annoying, but far more tolerable.

I have to ask, are you taking him on bus journeys etc just because, or are you going somewhere? I always freak out and get frustrated if I'm dragged on public transport without a goal in mind. I can handle walking to the high street and back as long as I have a place to go to or something to get.

Also, I'd recommend attatchment objects, I never go out without a hoodie (with sleeves, without, doesn't matter), a necklace, and akeyring with a lot of fur tails/scraps hanging from it that I can play with. Having these constants helps me keep calm in a lot of new situations that usually sends me running for the nearest exit. Recently, my mum got me a new phone with gps on it, so I can always know where I am in case I get lost (a big fear of mine). Perhaps you can encourage your son to start with more relaxing public areas, like the park? Then you can progress to having him join you when you go shopping, i.e. have him push the trolley or find things you need that week.

Best of luck,

Katie.