Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone
This is my first post on here so please be nice
My 16 year old son has just been diagnosed with ASD (it would be Aspergers if they still could use the term). He is completely obsessed with Japan and everything about it and has decided that he wants to live there when he is older. Because of this, his career choice is to teach English to students over there and he is aiming to do the relevant courses including a degree. (Up until a few months ago, he wanted to work with animals or in an office.)
This is all fantastic and I am happy for him to follow his dreams. However, based on his past few years, I am struggling to envisage it and I don't know whether to continue to encourage/facilitate him. The Psychiatrist that diagnosed him said that I shouldn't encourage him and he would probably forget about it. I am not convinced that he will and also if I have tried to be realistic with him, he just gets annoyed with me and tells me everything will be fine when he is there. He also said that he wouldn't want to live if he couldn't go.
To give you a bit of background - he was originally diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression. ASD was always a query (in my mind) but as he didn't fit some of the criteria, no-one seemed convinced. Anyway, long story short, he didn't cope well at school from day 1 - this got worse as he got older and he had school refusal for his last 2 years of secondary. Eventually, he received Out of School tuition for his last few months and he even found this incredibly stressful. He managed to pass English Language and Maths (the only 2 subjects he took due to missing so much school) and has now joined a training provider (like a very small college). His confidence is gradually increasing, but he still relies on me at home to do a lot and be there to talk and explain things to him. He has been trying to learn Japanese, which he is finding almost impossible and he is getting very worked up and stressed about it all.
As you can imagine, it feels like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, so am after any advice from any of you that have maybe travelled or moved abroad yourselves. I have always been his spokeperson and have been fighting for him to get the help he has needed. How likely is this dream to become a reality? Can you change drastically from the age of 16 to say early 20's - enough for you to become completely independent enough to move to the other side of the world? (I haven't got ASD and I couldn't do it!)
Please help!
Firstly, I would like to point out that autism per se is definitely not a barrier. On the contrary, some autistic people do extremely well living abroad, where their social mistakes are easily excused by those they are interacting with as "well, he's foreign!" rather than met with offence and possible hostility in their native country. My partner's brother (who has some autistic traits, as do literally the whole family, though unlike my partner he hasn't been diagnosed) has made a real success of living and working in Japan.That said, it will take a lot of hard work on your son's part; languages that use a different writing system are always a bit tricky. I don't doubt he can do it with support though.Has he thought about doing some travelling to Japan, e.g. a week or two's holiday there with you? Most Japanese can get by with English (it's a very common second language there), so you wouldn't need to be fluent in order to go there and he may be able to improve his skills through osmosis just by immersing himself in the culture. Watching Japanese TV (with subtitles to translate) might also help him pick a little up if he does it enough.I say if it's what he wants to go, support him all the way. Even if it doesn't quite work out as planned the skills he gains trying are very transferrable. And it's definitely possible to change a lot as a person in a short period of time. I did it myself; was an absolute directionless, traumatised wreck of a person straight out of university. Super dependent on others, very clingy, very depressed.Became massively more independent, got myself a job, a circle of really supportive friends and a long-term partner within a couple of years. Not easy, but very possible. I think your son has it in him if it's really what he wants.
There's another practical aspect to consider - the ability you son has to look after himself.
When I was very much younger (mid 20s) I tried to move to the other side of England for employment - it didn't work!
Over the next few years there will be a lot of challenges for your son as he "transitions" into adulthood. The main one could be the sudden lack of support as an adult. My own first foray into independent living was university but one that was close to home and found that I was returning every 2-3 weekends, especially the middle year when we weren't in halls of residence (with canteen and all mod cons!).
Urban Japan could also be challenging with the bright lights and population - how does your son cope in a large city? It's very rare to own a car in Japan (due to the space restriction for parking) so he would need to be reliant on public transport - has he seen the way people can be treated with "bullet train crowding"?
But there could be other opportunities to use language skills, particularly with Brexit looming on the horizon that may provide opportunities closer to home. It could be that big businesses will be looking farther afield for trade and will need the services of people who can translate during business meetings, etc. Basically, this would be a way to encourage your son to look at chances where he could have a taste of working in Japan without the long term commitment, if he finds that he likes the foreign environment he would be better placed to make the choice - just a little later in life.
He copes fairly well generally. Although we don't live in a big city, he has recently gone to a theme park with friends and enjoyed it (I know that's not quite the same, but it is very busy, noisy etc) I have talked to him about doing other things, but he seems set on teaching as he is under the impression that it is the easiest route in to Japan. I'm not convinced, as others have said that there is too many people wanting to do the same and so competition is fierce.
Sensory sensitivities are something to think about, assuming he has them. But if you're not on the street or out drinking sake, surely Japan actually has a lot to offer in terms of senses? I tend to think of a Japanese garden or Japanese minimalism.
Why does it have to be the first job?
How about a stepping-stone job for a couple of years in the UK? If he chooses carefully, he could live somewhere cheaper and commute into the city to work, saving as much as he can in preparation for his dream.
If it doesn't work out, he'd still have money in the bank to kick-start something else.
As someone who has lived overseas, I would like to point out that holidaying somewhere is not the same as living there longer term, on a local salary.
This is what I was alluding to - of all the places on the planet, I'd think cities in Japan must be top of the list for sensory overload. It's a tough call for a first job!