Question for adults with ASD/Aspergers regarding travelling

The impression was based on your own post, however, if that impression was wrong I withdraw it. As for loving too much, where a parent smothers their child and doesn't let a child develop then yes they can be seen to be loving their child too much. This is where things become tricky, as if as a parent one always helps a child when they get stuck then the child never learns to try properly, and the same thing can be true of adults. I had an old boss that didn't mind answering questions, but would only answer the question if you had an answer to it that you could explain the logic of, if it was wrong that did not matter and he would patiently explain why it was wrong and what the correct answer was. Personally, admittedly sometimes to her frustration, I use the same technique with my own daughter and have alway used it when mentoring other engineers. What I was trying to suggest was something along those lines, even if it has to be broken down into smaller pieces, but that he has to do it but you let him know that you will help him with each step if he needs it but he has to try and find the solution himself first. So "what are the steps you need to take?" and you don't help him with the map until he has at least tried to map them out. Yes it can be hard to watch someone struggle, but ultimately they will learn from it and if they want it enough they will overcome their difficulties. All of us on here have done that through our lives, whether Aspergerian or neurotypical or from the planet oz, we have all overcome obstacles and we have done that by having to do it rather than being able to always turn to someone for help. 

I am not trying to keep him safe in his room. I don't think it is possible to love your child too much and I am certainly not stopping him from doing anything that he wants to do. I don't know where you have got this impression from, but I am backing him all the way if this is his dream. Your suggestion to let him map it out himself would be great and obviously I would have got him to do this if he was able. However, he gets overwhelmed and extremely stressed when trying to find things out, so he is constantly asking me for help. I have spend hours researching courses, colleges, universities etc, spoken to several teachers and careers advisers, and spoken to English and Japanese people on other forums. At the moment, he isn't able to go to places on his own unless it has been researched and everything has been talked through with him. Hopefully, this will improve as he gets older and he will gain confidence.

You might also want to find out for sure exactly how much Japanese he would be expected to be able to speak - I've been told that the Japanese are extremely friendly when you are a tourist - you are their guest - but if you work there, they are intolerant if you cannot function in their world. They often expect you to speak Japanese in the workplace - and even then, you are treated as an outsider. Try and get him to make contact with people who have actually done what he is thinking of - look on their forums to see what problems they encounter.

Getting as much information before he commits to this path will be the best you can do to support him.

Hi

You need to let go rather than trying to keep him safe in a room. I understand that you love your son but you are in danger of loving him too much and not allowing him to learn by doing things and expand his horizons. I suspect that he didn't cope well with school because he felt hemmed in and had to follow rules rather than being allowed to learn freely by exploring subjects and following his interests. There are lots of people on here that have degrees, some with advanced degrees, and quite number that have travelled all over the world. My suggestion therefore would be to allow him more freedom to learn and explore the way he wants to. He has this dream, that's great, so why not get him to map out how he would go about achieving it and allowing him to set a timetable for achieving it, which includes trips to places unaccompanied so as building up his confidence and develop the skills necessary to fulfil his dream. If he discovers along the way he doesn't really want to do that, then that is fine too as he will have learnt new skills and broadened his horizons.

Andy

I think his love for japan is wonderful! Me and fiancé (I'm ASD and ADHD and he's AS) bonded over anime, manga, culture etc. I think as long as he feels supported and enough information is provided to him, he will be able to make a decision. I also think it's good to encourage him to have an action plan; how is he going to reach his goal? Japanese is an extremely hard language to learn, so I can see why he is getting worked up as Japan is something he holds close to him.

Also, I didn't realise people on the spectrum forget things(!) I think I missed the memo XD I really hope everything goes Ok for you.

Thanks qwerty - that book sounds great - I'll have a read.  I would love my son to read something like that to give him an insight into living in another country, but unfortunately he hates reading and gets very stressed if he has to do any. I think this is one of my big concerns with him choosing teaching as a career - I can't envisage him going to uni etc and all the work that involves. Don't get me wrong, he is really bright, but he struggles doing any reading/written work. I have chatted with him about taking things slowly and aiming to live there by his mid to late twenties. He seems quite happy with this, so it's just a case of taking one step at a time and seeing how it pans out.

Oh sorry Cassandro I didn't mean that his interest won't perhaps move on, just that actively ignoring it cruel and would perhaps be counter productive. 

This might be a relevant book for you!

Born On a Blue Day: www.amazon.co.uk/.../0340899751

The author has Aspergers (wasn't diagnosed until adulthood). He described his life from childhood until the age he was writing the book. He had a lot of trouble with lots of stuff as a child, but after finishing school he decided not to go to university at that time, and instead do a volunteer English teaching post in Lithuania. It was a really big transition, and a really big step, having to move to a different country where the culture, food, transportation, housing and language was all new. But the trip turned out to be a success. He made friends with many of his students, and even learned Lithuanian in the process. 

This sounds almost exactly like your son's dream! 

It seems like your son has looked a lot into it, and given much thought to it. I think it would be nice if he could pursue his goal. Sometimes, you just need to put yourself in the environment and things will fall into place. Or course, there will always be struggles, but once you are in that sort of environment, you are kind of forced to face the challenges that come. Not sure if this makes sense?

Furthermore, I agree with Emma's statement, that some autistic people do extremely well living abroad, where their social mistakes are easily excused by being a foreigner. 

Regarding how to reach the goal, it may be a good idea to start with small steps. Could he perhaps sign up to do an online teaching session with a few individuals from Japan? Maybe after getting used to teaching online, he can go to Japan and teach a summer course for 1-2 months and see if he enjoys living there. And if all works out, he can consider working there or stay there for longer periods of time. Would he be happy with a plan like this?

'Special interests' can change, or can be life-long. It's hard for anyone to predict, I think.

Yes, I did think this was quite strange. I don't know any adults with ASD, so I thought maybe it was common to have an 'obsession' about something and then change your mind. To be honest, I have ignored her advice anyway and carried on helping him.

He copes fairly well generally. Although we don't live in a big city, he has recently gone to a theme park with friends and enjoyed it (I know that's not quite the same, but it is very busy, noisy etc) I have talked to him about doing other things, but he seems set on teaching as he is under the impression that it is the easiest route in to Japan. I'm not convinced, as others have said that there is too many people wanting to do the same and so competition is fierce.

Sensory sensitivities are something to think about, assuming he has them. But if you're not on the street or out drinking sake, surely Japan actually has a lot to offer in terms of senses? I tend to think of a Japanese garden or Japanese minimalism.

Thank you - that is really good to hear. He does want to holiday in Japan, but we unfortunately can't afford it as a family. His aim is to save enough money himself and maybe go with a friend (he has a friend who also loves Japan) I think my main worry is he is going to do a job that he will find very hard and stressful (he hates English Language and struggles with other languages) just so that he can live in Japan. I don't think he understands yet how much a job impacts on your life.

He has looked into a lot of this himself. I think he would manage financially as he is very sensible regarding spending. Obviously things might change over the next few years, so it's difficult to know how it would play out then. But nothing has put him off so far.

Why does it have to be the first job?

How about a stepping-stone job for a couple of years in the UK? If he chooses carefully, he could live somewhere cheaper and commute into the city to work, saving as much as he can in preparation for his dream. 

If it doesn't work out, he'd still have money in the bank to kick-start something else. 

As someone who has lived overseas, I would like to point out that holidaying somewhere is not the same as living there longer term, on a local salary. 

This is what I was alluding to - of all the places on the planet, I'd think cities in Japan must be top of the list for sensory overload. It's a tough call for a first job!

I don't understand how the psychiatrist thinks that he will forget about it, if this is his passion at the moment then you ignoring it or negating it is going to painful to him at the moment, I would have thought the psychiatrist would have understood this.

There's another practical aspect to consider - the ability you son has to look after himself.

When I was very much younger (mid 20s) I tried to move to the other side of England for employment - it didn't work!

Over the next few years there will be a lot of challenges for your son as he "transitions" into adulthood.  The main one could be the sudden lack of support as an adult.  My own first foray into independent living was university but one that was close to home and found that I was returning every 2-3 weekends, especially the middle year when we weren't in halls of residence (with canteen and all mod cons!).

Urban Japan could also be challenging with the bright lights and population - how does your son cope in a large city?  It's very rare to own a car in Japan (due to the space restriction for parking) so he would need to be reliant on public transport - has he seen the way people can be treated with "bullet train crowding"?  

But there could be other opportunities to use language skills, particularly with Brexit looming on the horizon that may provide opportunities closer to home.  It could be that big businesses will be looking farther afield for trade and will need the services of people who can translate during business meetings, etc.  Basically, this would be a way to encourage your son to look at chances where he could have a taste of working in Japan without the long term commitment, if he finds that he likes the foreign environment he would be better placed to make the choice - just a little later in life.

Firstly, I would like to point out that autism per se is definitely not a barrier. On the contrary, some autistic people do extremely well living abroad, where their social mistakes are easily excused by those they are interacting with as "well, he's foreign!" rather than met with offence and possible hostility in their native country.
My partner's brother (who has some autistic traits, as do literally the whole family, though unlike my partner he hasn't been diagnosed) has made a real success of living and working in Japan.

That said, it will take a lot of hard work on your son's part; languages that use a different writing system are always a bit tricky. I don't doubt he can do it with support though.

Has he thought about doing some travelling to Japan, e.g. a week or two's holiday there with you?
Most Japanese can get by with English (it's a very common second language there), so you wouldn't need to be fluent in order to go there and he may be able to improve his skills through osmosis just by immersing himself in the culture. Watching Japanese TV (with subtitles to translate) might also help him pick a little up if he does it enough.

I say if it's what he wants to go, support him all the way. Even if it doesn't quite work out as planned the skills he gains trying are very transferrable.

And it's definitely possible to change a lot as a person in a short period of time. I did it myself; was an absolute directionless, traumatised wreck of a person straight out of university. Super dependent on others, very clingy, very depressed.
Became massively more independent, got myself a job, a circle of really supportive friends and a long-term partner within a couple of years. Not easy, but very possible. I think your son has it in him if it's really what he wants.

It's nice to have a goal. You might want to look into the practicalities with him - find out the earning potential of a teacher there, see if it is full-time work or just part-time / evening work and how much money he is likely to end up with after taxes etc. Then find out the cost of living over there (I know it's really expensive) and how easy it would be survive in such a full-on environment for him with no close safety-net. You might find that the reality puts him off completely.