My adult son still blames me

Sorry to hear that, I can understand how that must be very upsetting. I don't think I can help you directly - in fact, I have rather the opposite problem, that my Mum often feels guilty about my upbringing despite me being confident that she did an excellent job under the circumstances (I was diagnosed will into my forties.) However, I had a couple of thoughts from the perspective of an autistic adult which may be useful to you.

Firstly, for some of us, at least some of the time, ruminating about "what could have been" can be rather a problem. Even though my diagnosis was a few years ago, I still find myself looking back over my life examining everything with the benefit of hindsight. Having difficulties with things which other people around us seem to find so simple can be extremely frustrating and damaging to our self-esteem, so losing ourselves in fantasies about what might have been can be extremely tempting, and our tendency to focus very intently on narrow interests can make this very hard to stop once we've got into a habit of doing it.

We can often have difficulty with time, too. Not just measuring the passage of time, but also understanding that the world was, or will be, different in the past or future. If something is a fact right now, we can easily misinterpret the past as if everyone knew that fact back then. People used to behaved differently because the facts that they knew were different, but we can easily miss this, because just getting our heads around people's behaviour in the here and now can be hard enough; our "rules" for interpreting people may just not be flexible or well developed enough.

If your son is at all receptive, I would encourage him to take up some kind of counselling or join a support group (maybe online like this one, but where he engages rather than passively watches). The kind of fantasising that he's engaging in could well be stopping him from moving forward with new ways to cope with his difficulties, and can reinforce the idea that everything can be blamed on damage done in the past, so that he no longer feels responsible for things which he is able to change in the present. This is not good for a person's self-esteem, and it can form a kind of "learned helplessness"; anxiety and depression are also common consequences, as are the kind of defensive reactions that you're getting to the subject. In the long run, helping him to come to terms with his diagnosis and his autistic traits will be of most benefit to him, and in due course should enable him to get a clearer picture of his chlldhood.

Sorry to hear that, I can understand how that must be very upsetting. I don't think I can help you directly - in fact, I have rather the opposite problem, that my Mum often feels guilty about my upbringing despite me being confident that she did an excellent job under the circumstances (I was diagnosed will into my forties.) However, I had a couple of thoughts from the perspective of an autistic adult which may be useful to you.

Firstly, for some of us, at least some of the time, ruminating about "what could have been" can be rather a problem. Even though my diagnosis was a few years ago, I still find myself looking back over my life examining everything with the benefit of hindsight. Having difficulties with things which other people around us seem to find so simple can be extremely frustrating and damaging to our self-esteem, so losing ourselves in fantasies about what might have been can be extremely tempting, and our tendency to focus very intently on narrow interests can make this very hard to stop once we've got into a habit of doing it.

We can often have difficulty with time, too. Not just measuring the passage of time, but also understanding that the world was, or will be, different in the past or future. If something is a fact right now, we can easily misinterpret the past as if everyone knew that fact back then. People used to behaved differently because the facts that they knew were different, but we can easily miss this, because just getting our heads around people's behaviour in the here and now can be hard enough; our "rules" for interpreting people may just not be flexible or well developed enough.

If your son is at all receptive, I would encourage him to take up some kind of counselling or join a support group (maybe online like this one, but where he engages rather than passively watches). The kind of fantasising that he's engaging in could well be stopping him from moving forward with new ways to cope with his difficulties, and can reinforce the idea that everything can be blamed on damage done in the past, so that he no longer feels responsible for things which he is able to change in the present. This is not good for a person's self-esteem, and it can form a kind of "learned helplessness"; anxiety and depression are also common consequences, as are the kind of defensive reactions that you're getting to the subject. In the long run, helping him to come to terms with his diagnosis and his autistic traits will be of most benefit to him, and in due course should enable him to get a clearer picture of his chlldhood.

Counselling can not fix a neurological issue. Also people with Asperger's have a smaller corpus callosum than NT's, this makes it more difficult for us to process trauma, as you need to be able to move traumatic memories from one hemisphere to the other to properly process them. This is a super fun condition to have. Parents should acknowledge the mistake they made in bringing children into a situation where there is a shortage of doctors. Drs have known about Asperger's for years, it was put into the DSM in 1987. The public have also known abut the shortage of Doctors for years too. Parents should admit that it is a mistake to bring children into such a situation, unless they are very rich and can get the resources they need. This would do more to improve the relationship than just expecting a stranger to somehow fix the problem. There can be no improvement in the relationship until the parents acknowledge their own part they played in allowing such a situation to happen. The parent is the creator, ultimately they are responsible for the situation, not a therapist.

Thank you very much for taking time to respond. 

Your response is spot on! He is still feeling very resentful and is struggling to accept his diagnosis. 

I have been trying to encourage him to think bout counselling and seeking support but without success. I have to be careful how and when I approach that topic as he is quite dismissive.

Your point about difficulty with time is so so true for him. 

Like your Mum, I feel guilty every single day thinking why didn’t I spot this, why didn’t I do that, why didn’t I try this.... it goes on and on.  It is extremely hard but we have to live with it and make it better now and in the future.

thank you again. Your post did help get some clarity and also some perspective from your point of view.