Published on 12, July, 2020
H I don't normally post on her I think I've only replied to one post so here goes. I'm having a really hard time in every way imaginable at the moment. I was diagnosed with AS in November 2015 after 46 year of being diagnosed I am high functioning, although I don't feel it a lot of the time, I have a good job although not so good at the moment but that's another story.
The reason for my upset? My Mum, who I've always been close to, and I had an argument over something so ridiculous its not true, ice cream, WTF, the argument ended with her saying she doesn't understand me and she feels she is stuck with an autistic daughter! I'm hurt really hurt she has never said anything like this to me before and to say it over an argument so trivial makes it even worse it told her to 'go away' although that is the polite version the real one ends in off. Is it just me or is this really really nasty? She has apologised but it doesn't make me feel any better, shes said it, its out there, she cant unsay it. Has anybody else ever experienced anything like this? To top it off I'm having a really bad time at work, the sort of bad time that could lead to me losing my job which I know I'm good at and have been told numerous times I'm good at it.
What hurts more is that for the last few years I have had to do so much for her due to her age, shopping, cleaning, etc. I can't see a way back from this any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the waffle.
I'm like your mum DottyWHome. I don't think I've said exactly the same in anger & frustration, but close enough. Despite apology & some later talks, her grief remains as does my regret. I try every day to reign in the frustration & pain of failing to find answers for my ASD family members - daughter & husband, but eventually & inevitably i blow. Like my daughter has. She once told me upon my return from 2 yrs in hospital for cancer surgeries, chemo, etc...that she wished I had died. It's been about 10 years - I'll never forget it. But I recognize the place of pain those words came from & certainly forgive them. 40 or so years ago my mum told me she wished I'd never been born. All those years & that too I'll never forget but I have forgiven. Words also born of explosive emotion, pain & probably the short lived & uncharacteristic desire for another person to experience pain as deep as oneself is experiencing - really a cry for recognition rather than a statement spoken out of truth. I can't undo the things I have said, cruelly in anger & my daughter will never forget I said them. But I hope she will try to understand the deep pain & frustration & sense of failure they came from & forgive me. I hope you can forgive your mum for your own sake & recognize the place they came from. For my mum & me it took me saying to her near the end of her life, "you must have been in so much unrecognized pain to say that to me all those years ago" for her to break down in gratitude that her pain was being, finally, recognized too. I wish I'd done it much sooner. I hope my daughter permits me to say the same thing to her very soon. Hope it's of some help.