Being 'stuck' with an autistic daughter!

H I don't normally post on her I think I've only replied to one post so here goes. I'm having a really hard time in every way imaginable at the moment. I was diagnosed with AS in November 2015 after 46 year of being diagnosed I am high functioning, although I don't feel it a lot of the time, I have a good job although not so good at the moment but that's another story. 

The reason for my upset? My Mum, who I've always been close to, and I had an argument over something so ridiculous its not true, ice cream, WTF, the argument ended with her saying she doesn't understand me and she feels she is stuck with an autistic daughter! I'm hurt really hurt she has never said anything like this to me before and to say it over an argument so trivial makes it even worse it told her to 'go away' although that is the polite version the real one ends in off. Is it just me or is this really really nasty? She has apologised but it doesn't make me feel any better, shes said it, its out there, she cant unsay it. Has anybody else ever experienced anything like this? To top it off I'm having a really bad time at work, the sort of bad time that could lead to me losing my job which I know I'm good at and have been told numerous times I'm good at it.

What hurts more is that for the last few years I have had to do so much for her due to her age, shopping, cleaning, etc. I can't see a way back from this any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the waffle.

  • Hello Dottywhome,

    I’m sorry to hear of your troubles with your Mum. Arguments happen in all relationships and people say things they shouldn’t in the heat of the moment. I know that it can be shocking at the time, but I would urge you to try and patch things up with your Mum. I’m sorry it’s happened at a bad time work wise. It sounds like your Mum hasn’t been very well. I know when my Mum was ill after chemo we would sometimes have to take things on the chin. It’s best to let the pressure out. If your Mum has apologised, it may be best for both of you to try and rise above it. The argument may have just come at a time when you both needed to let off some steam. If you need some help, it might be useful to ask your GP to refer you for some CBT to help manage stress. I wish you all the best. Graham.

  • The parent /offspring relationship balance is not an easy one in adulthood. It’s something I’m trying to cope with too( 56/88)  I don’t think as autistics we are necessarily easy to be with and our parents don’t like  losing their independence the combination I find is volatile at times and we/they do verbally lash out . In my case I think it’s also possible my dad is Aspergers... it’s often genetic.. have you thought about anyone else in your own family tree ? Yes it’s hurtful, yes it’s hard to hear and hard to cope with. But realistically we are quirky people to have in others lives and they are kind of stuck with us just as we are with them with their foibles. No one is perfect. I’m sure there will be things about your mum that you don’t love but live with. Yes we have fallen out over such things. You both probably still need each other, both probably help each other and you are both vulnerable and you will be especially so if your job is under threat. I suppose it’s trying to see the situation stepping back a bit which you have done by posting. Can you offload some of what you do to a carer? Can you get your mum a cleaner and or other practical help? Home shop delivery for her? Can she be cared for and safe with other people doing things thereby allowing you to do the follow up tasks and more time to yourself? Most autistics need down time after work so a job, your own home and then your mum and any other commitments is a lot of output.  I’m really tired tonight so probably not making much sense. Try to make sure you are looking after yourself first and have things you like doing out of work if you have the time and energy. 

  • What I've learned from years of painful experience is that we see detail and feel detail in everything much more vividly than most other people. So in some ways we appreciate the tiny aspects of the world more, but we also get hurt or upset more by tiny things that other people don't think about. I think you need to find a way to convey to your mother that such a comment deeply hurt you, although if she has apologised, I think she probably realises it and feels bad.

    More importantly is not letting it or anything else take over your life. If you're also having issues with work maybe you're overloading yourself and it added to the minor disagreement. Perhaps if you can try to deal with one issue at a time things will straighten out. But you aren't abnormal for feeling such a comment so deeply. It's an emotional rejection from someone who is meant to love you unconditionally and it isn't okay. If she'd said "stuck with a stubborn daughter", it would just be venting. But stuck with an autistic daughter...she's not. For better or worse, you are the one who lives with it. She can leave the room, leave the house, step away from what you are dealing with in your head but you can't do that.

  • I'm like your mum DottyWHome. I don't think I've said exactly the same in anger & frustration, but close enough. Despite apology & some later talks, her grief remains as does my regret. I try every day to reign in the frustration & pain of failing to find answers for my ASD family members - daughter & husband, but eventually & inevitably i blow. Like my daughter has. She once told me upon my return from 2 yrs in hospital for cancer surgeries, chemo, etc...that she wished I had died. It's been about 10 years  - I'll never forget it. But I recognize the place of pain those words came from & certainly forgive them. 40 or so years ago my mum told me she wished I'd never been born. All those years & that too I'll never forget but I have forgiven. Words also born of explosive emotion, pain & probably the short lived & uncharacteristic desire for another person to experience pain as deep as oneself is experiencing - really a cry for recognition rather than a statement spoken out of truth. I can't undo the things I have said, cruelly in anger & my daughter will never forget I said them. But I hope she will try to understand the deep pain & frustration & sense of failure they came from & forgive me. I hope you can forgive your mum for your own sake & recognize the place they came from. For my mum & me it took me saying to her near the end of her life, "you must have been in so much unrecognized pain to say that to me all those years ago" for her to break down in gratitude that her pain was being, finally, recognized too. I wish I'd done it much sooner. I hope my daughter permits me to say the same thing to her very soon. Hope it's of some help.