Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm looking for a little advice/ reassurance.
I live with my boyfriend, we bought a flat together last year, we have been together 4 years (but knew each other for a few years prior). I have always known that he is on the spectrum, but not heavily autistic. He was diagnosed as autistic as a child but doctors were happy that he'd developed away from it and was no longer classed as autistic by his teens.
The few autistic features that remained with him are characteristics I completely adore, very caring of over people, excellent at problem solving and quiet/ non egotistical.
General life stress with the pressures of living together plus numerous family problems on both sides is starting bring his autism out. He is becoming very distant, and he's concentrating so hard on everything that's going on around him, he's basically become unable to think for himself. He can't think to essentially look after himself, let alone the flat or be a loving boyfriend.
I've always understood him, and have known I have to take a different approach with him but I'm starting to struggle. He was brought up with a very autistic brother and his mum has very much done everything for them continuously, they both have the attitude of "I'm autistic so I can't and won't do that or try".
What can I do?!? It's hard to be there and support him through things he's struggling with when he throws the blocks up and the autism takes over. But I feel I'm not doing anything at all if I give him the space he looks like he needs.
Just getting this off my chest is a relief, phew!
He needs that space and also your support, if you can give it. But things aren’t always what they seem. For example, you say he’s become distant. But that’s from your perspective in relation to you. But in reality, he’s becoming more connected, to who he is at a deeper level. He needs to do this because he’s burning out. Everyday tasks are taking far more mental energy and he has to recharge somehow. I am just coming out of a burnout and I’m having to relearn what to do in a day. It’s weird, but it is what it is. If there had been someone around, who’s presence I could have tolerated, to keep the house running etc and help me to eat and drink etc, I’m sure that would have been great. But I don’t think I could have had anyone around me. I’ve been fostering a beautiful little cat for a family member but even that has proved too much for me and the cat has to go. But this isn’t a forever state. We can recover from burnouts and learn from them and come out better than ever, but it takes its own time and can’t be rushed.
I’m talking as if I’ve assumed he’s having a burn out. Forgive me. I was just going on what you said that as the pressure increases he’s doing less and less and becoming unable to think for himself. Which is what happened to me until finally I couldn’t do anything!
As Cassandro said, routine is very important to us so if you’re wanting him to have more of a share in the housework etc, it will better work if it is built in as part of a routine. But it sounds like he could be burning out and not be recognising it so you could maybe talk to him about that. Early intervention is always better than the cure. He might also find it very difficult to talk about this stuff so he may dismiss it in a way you think he’s using his diagnosis as an excuse or something but often it’s because we don’t quite understand ourselves, in which case, he may benefit from coming on this site or reading some other literature or getting some support.
You’ve only given us a snap shot of course so you know more about what’s been going on. We often take longer to process new situations etc and changes as well but yeah, that’s just my little perspective. I’m glad you found the power of the pen ~ getting this stuff out of our heads and onto paper (or screen) can be a therapy session in itself, lol, and sharing it with others benefits all of us, so thank you and best wishes to you both.
Thank you for replying, I think you've hit the nail on the head. We've had a talk about things and that has massively helped matters (hopefully). But I think you've explained it very well, thank you for spending the time to talk to me. That has made perfect sense.
That's great spex and I certainly hope things continue to work out for you both and that he is able to provide you with as much love and support that you need as well, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship and long may it continue and thrive