Living with an autistic partner

That's great spex and I certainly hope things continue to work out for you both and that he is able to provide you with as much love and support that you need as well, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship and long may it continue and thrive

Thank you for replying, I think you've hit the nail on the head. We've had a talk about things and that has massively helped matters (hopefully). But I think you've explained it very well, thank you for spending the time to talk to me. That has made perfect sense.

He needs that space and also your support, if you can give it. But things aren’t always what they seem. For example, you say he’s become distant. But that’s from your perspective in relation to you. But in reality, he’s becoming more connected, to who he is at a deeper level. He needs to do this because he’s burning out. Everyday tasks are taking far more mental energy and he has to recharge somehow. I am just coming out of a burnout and I’m having to relearn what to do in a day. It’s weird, but it is what it is. If there had been someone around, who’s presence I could have tolerated, to keep the house running etc and help me to eat and drink etc, I’m sure that would have been great. But I don’t think I could have had anyone around me. I’ve been fostering a beautiful little cat for a family member but even that has proved too much for me and the cat has to go. But this isn’t a forever state. We can recover from burnouts and learn from them and come out better than ever, but it takes its own time and can’t be rushed. 

I’m talking as if I’ve assumed he’s having a burn out. Forgive me. I was just going on what you said that as the pressure increases he’s doing less and less and becoming unable to think for himself. Which is what happened to me until finally I couldn’t do anything! 

As Cassandro said, routine is very important to us so if you’re wanting him to have more of a share in the housework etc, it will better work if it is built in as part of a routine. But it sounds like he could be burning out and not be recognising it so you could maybe talk to him about that. Early intervention is always better than the cure. He might also find it very difficult to talk about this stuff so he may dismiss it in a way you think he’s using his diagnosis as an excuse or something but often it’s because we don’t quite understand ourselves, in which case, he may benefit from coming on this site or reading some other literature or getting some support. 

You’ve only given us a snap shot of course so you know more about what’s been going on. We often take longer to process new situations etc and changes as well but yeah, that’s just my little perspective. I’m glad you found the power of the pen ~ getting this stuff out of our heads and onto paper (or screen) can be a therapy session in itself, lol, and sharing it with others benefits all of us, so thank you and best wishes to you both. 

I’ve potentially got aspergers, apparently. It does look more and more likely. My other half and I have been together for two and a half years and more or less the entire time it’s been a bit of an abusive relationship due to my anger issues and more. It turns out I’ve not shown the feelings I feel inside to her so this has left her feeling unloved and like I don’t like her (couldn’t be further from the truth). It only came to realisation for me exactly a month ago today, due to this I sought help which is where aspergers got brandished about. Quite overwhelming as it feels so true.

Since we bought our house in January I seem to have completely acted like a different person to how I see myself, I’ve lived alone off and on for 13 years and yet I’ve allowed her to mother me (I’ve also had huge stress at work), I hate being mothered and in fact I’m massively independent. So since the relationship breakdown last month I feel I’ve found myself again which has been great. So what you say above seems very familiar.

This is quite easy for me to come to terms with as it provides answers to things but it now appears she’s struggling with it. She’s joined different together which I believe is for partners of those on the spectrum, I’ve promised not to sign up but whatever she’s posted this evening seems to have hit home with her, I think she’s petrified and doesn’t know whether she can do this. I completely appreciate this but I am now questioning whether I want to put myself through the hurt of it not working.

Either way I feel for anyone in the situation whether from the NEurotypical or aspie perspective. Good luck

Yes as an autistic man, I find it can be hard to think about or remember practical or mundane things, but it's easier once they become a habit.

Could you try pulling rather than pushing? Maybe don't mother him too much, but er... girlfriend him. Explain how much doing little jobs means to you and try to remember to thank him for anything he does for you. You can train dogs with little treats and affection, and speaking as a man, most men are quite like dogs in that respect... 5 carrots to one stick is the most motivating formula, apparently, although I'm not sure if that differs for autistic people.

Hi, 

Thanks for the reply. I partially view it as Men are from Mars, but when I confront him (eg I had a moan that he's not bothering to do any housework), I get back "it's the autistic side of me, I can't think about these things". It's like a go to response. I want to respect that, but I also know he can try harder. I don't want to upset or offend him but he uses it as a cop out. But saying that, I am not autistic so I don't know how it feels to have that mentality. I'm struggling to explain it really, I'm not know if there's a better way to push him? I'm very good at handling his brother as he has a child's mentality, where my boyfriend doesn't. I don't want to fall into a trap of mothering him (which he does respond to) all the time, as long term it makes it worse.

I don't know if that made any sense haha

Thanks for the profile advice! I couldn't find where to do to start with.

Hello and welcome.

What you say sounds similar to other stories on this forum from non-autistic (typical) women with male autistic partners. One common factor seems to be external stresses when living together, so maybe some of this is the 'Men are from Mars' idea of the man going into his cave or shed. In any case, I don't think it's a case of 'bringing the autism out'. If he's autistic, he's autistic all the time. It may just be certain social problems overwhelm him that might not overwhelm others. Can you try to talk through and agree a plan with him to deal with a specific problem (say with one side of the family), which will require responsibility on all sides?

Sorry if that's not very helpful. I hope other people will chip in soon.

By the way, so we can recognise you, you may want to add a nickname or choose an avatar image. Just go to the button right up the top right of the screen, and choose 'Profile'.