Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all
I mentioned I might try to get something off my chest here. I'm a bit worried that I might go on too much or ramble, or get emotional, or probably worst of all, still not be understood. So I'll try to keep this first post a reasonable length. Although as I hope to explain, that may mean that I go on for ten pages.
Where to begin? And then where to go? Well, there's so much jumbled up, different ways of seeing things: focusorganisationsatisfactionselfdisciplineselfawarenesscuriosityheadacheplanningachievementmotivationintroversionrelectionattentiondepresionobsessionsleepmissingmeaningfatigueisolationlaziness
And that's just part of it. Maybe sleep, then. I'd said only a few months ago that my sleep was normal. But the last few weeks the pattern has been intending to get to bed 10-10.30 and read, often staying up past midnight, get to sleep immediately, wake up at 3am, can't get back to sleep again, feel very tired, mess around a bit trying to relax, microsleeps, try to snooze, get a few minutes, restless again, get absorbed in something online by the morning, then something else, still hoping to catch up on sleep and nodding off, put off what I was meaning to do because I'm not feeling energetic enough and I'm not really thinking about it as immersed in finding something out and digesting it, most of the day's suddenly gone, get frustrated, try to do one basic thing, intend to get to bed 10-10.30, repeat.
It seems that my brain doesn't really shut off, although I have tried meditation (running while just accepting sensations seems to work better). It always has to probe and assess and conclude and often comes up with sensible plans. But actually carrying out those plans can get put off for weeks or not happen at all. What's the point of a to-do list when I seem unable to force myself to get started? And sleep makes things worse. It's like the curiosity is there all the time, but any sensible motivation to do the washing or ring the bank or act on one of my ideas is much reduced. That's kind of expected when you're tired, but shouldn't the dratted mental processing give up as well? Can't I just watch a crap film? No, I just think about how crap it is (Sicario 2 not recommended: if you're interested wait for it on TV with subtitles).
So, is there anything I can do about the sleep? Could it be worse this time of year because of the early dawn? I'm not sure, I can't tell. Maybe I should get heavier drapes for my bedroom, but that's another thing I've been putting off, as has registering with a GP. Could it be depression causing early waking? Well, I don't currently feel anywhere near as depressed as I have, but then one of the main virtues of this diagnosis has been not feeling obliged to feel anything. It's autism meaning something affecting my ability to connect to people, but with main features being 'alexithymia' (not knowing what you're feeling) and poor 'executive function' (getting stuff done). It's not that I don't understand feelings, it's that unless very depressed I can override or ignore them and usually do. They're secondary to a rational understanding. This is why I have problems with 'How are you?', and maybe have problems just making friends by liking people, being fundamentally convinced I should really like everyone. It also makes it hard to make decisions. Given what someone else wants, or somehow getting committed to a task, I can work out how to do it (so it's not executive dysfunction in that respect, it's more 'autistic catatonia'). But faced with having to have a preference, I'm consumed by the future of the planet in millions of years. My usual tricks for decisions include: a quick pro-con, if I can think of two reasonable-sounding causes for action, I take a particular path; or I try to evaluate things ethically; or both; or I flip a coin. I also try to apply myself in whatever seems the right way at the moment - if an intervention is waiting to be made, I make it. Or not if something more important-seeming comes up. But that's not great for accomplishing a daily plan, or a life plan. Most people don't have such a thing as a life plan, I'm assured. Although wouldn't it be good to share dreams?
So one day this week I just didn't go into work. I was expecting myself to. It just didn't happen. I can't explain it, and people seem to know me so well they haven't disciplined me, or have their own ideas of the reason. Maybe I'm demotivated and need a new job. I may benefit from people around trying to motivate me, and am a bit adrift in life. They say the mind is a millstone, and when it has nothing to grind, it grinds itself. Well, I spend too long on the web on sites like this, and that provides constant grist, but what for? I know I need more meaningful real-world relationships and mutual collaborations. I think it's because of my alexithymia that firstly I can't explain my own actions, secondly I'm in the habit of believing I will find the motivation soon, so put things off. Sometimes I really try to force myself to not procrastinate and knuckle down, but somehow can't. It's a very frustrating block that I can see reasons to overcome, but just end up getting stressed over my internal conflict. Maybe alexithymia means I think I intend to do honourable or useful things, but really my motivation is just to sound off and eat pizza. But people assure me I'm not lazy - when I'm started on something I'll work 12 hours or more. I just can't predict what that will be. Is trying to force myself a bad thing, because if I fail I get into bad habits of failure? You'd think I might have learned all this being more than halfway through my life, a life that doesn't seem made by choice. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
I think that will do for now.
Thanks again to people who replied. I can come back to this page in future. Sorry if the topic's wandering a bit, but then I don't really know what the problem or topic is.
Someone said I was definitely in a rut. Possibly reassuring. I'd thought I might have been in a rut inside another rut.
I suspect I'm slipping backwards, particularly in terms of activity. My work attendance has continued to be bad, and I'm not even tracking my absences. It may be that I need to move on from my job, although the demotivation is more pervasive than just work. I'm probably depressed, but it's showing up as a behavioural problem instead of a mood problem, possibly because of my own attitudes since the diagnosis. I can't see any point in going on. People have mentioned the 'satisfaction' of ticking something off a to-do list. I don't seem to experience that. I don't seem to get any positive feelings at all. That's the way my years-long depressions manifest. The hedonic treadmill would at least keep me trim, but I can't even see the carrot on the stick. (Or maybe I realise it is on a stick and trying to do stuff like sort out my paperwork is futile on a cosmic scale; thus I'd need to concentrate more on the short term.)
On executive dysfunction, which is a big thing for some autistic people and may be for me, here are a couple of resources I was sent:
The first link deliberately conceals anything it thinks are solutions, but links to Cynthia Kim's useful pages on executive function (EF). In trying to focus on what the problem is, it lists some categories:
In practice, executive function is a slippery concept. Sometimes it looks like responsibility. Sometimes it looks like self-discipline. Sometimes it looks like being a competent adult.
Well, what if I'm not a responsible, disciplined adult? What if it really is a motivation problem after all? Can anyone help with that?
So, yes, I've not been pushing myself recently, not to do things that are probably pointless. From what I'd written before... I was going to stop doing stuff just for the sake of something to do, and see if real motivation emerged; and also let myself ruminate a bit for a change.
I'd started a poll on 'has thinking of yourself as autistic changed your social behaviour?' and it seemed most people are letting themselves react in a natural way as a result of a diagnosis. Well, I'm thinking of myself as being alexithymic and having 'an EF problem', so am letting myself go in that respect. Even if it's bad, it may bring the problem more into focus. I'd like someone to explain my problem to me as if it were a medical thing and tell me how to cope with it.
Just don't know where the time is going, although spending time on the web isn't helping. If there are no goals, there are no milestones. I have told my mentor I wanted more support. In which case I suppose it's right that I should approach the GP. I just have no hope that there is anything useful there, no adult autism services I'm pretty sure. A diagnosis of autism seems to me to just be an admission that psychiatry can't help. Maybe that's depressive thinking in itself. Autism-tailored CBT and/or melatonin just might help push the things that are outside my direct control?