Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all
I mentioned I might try to get something off my chest here. I'm a bit worried that I might go on too much or ramble, or get emotional, or probably worst of all, still not be understood. So I'll try to keep this first post a reasonable length. Although as I hope to explain, that may mean that I go on for ten pages.
Where to begin? And then where to go? Well, there's so much jumbled up, different ways of seeing things: focusorganisationsatisfactionselfdisciplineselfawarenesscuriosityheadacheplanningachievementmotivationintroversionrelectionattentiondepresionobsessionsleepmissingmeaningfatigueisolationlaziness
And that's just part of it. Maybe sleep, then. I'd said only a few months ago that my sleep was normal. But the last few weeks the pattern has been intending to get to bed 10-10.30 and read, often staying up past midnight, get to sleep immediately, wake up at 3am, can't get back to sleep again, feel very tired, mess around a bit trying to relax, microsleeps, try to snooze, get a few minutes, restless again, get absorbed in something online by the morning, then something else, still hoping to catch up on sleep and nodding off, put off what I was meaning to do because I'm not feeling energetic enough and I'm not really thinking about it as immersed in finding something out and digesting it, most of the day's suddenly gone, get frustrated, try to do one basic thing, intend to get to bed 10-10.30, repeat.
It seems that my brain doesn't really shut off, although I have tried meditation (running while just accepting sensations seems to work better). It always has to probe and assess and conclude and often comes up with sensible plans. But actually carrying out those plans can get put off for weeks or not happen at all. What's the point of a to-do list when I seem unable to force myself to get started? And sleep makes things worse. It's like the curiosity is there all the time, but any sensible motivation to do the washing or ring the bank or act on one of my ideas is much reduced. That's kind of expected when you're tired, but shouldn't the dratted mental processing give up as well? Can't I just watch a crap film? No, I just think about how crap it is (Sicario 2 not recommended: if you're interested wait for it on TV with subtitles).
So, is there anything I can do about the sleep? Could it be worse this time of year because of the early dawn? I'm not sure, I can't tell. Maybe I should get heavier drapes for my bedroom, but that's another thing I've been putting off, as has registering with a GP. Could it be depression causing early waking? Well, I don't currently feel anywhere near as depressed as I have, but then one of the main virtues of this diagnosis has been not feeling obliged to feel anything. It's autism meaning something affecting my ability to connect to people, but with main features being 'alexithymia' (not knowing what you're feeling) and poor 'executive function' (getting stuff done). It's not that I don't understand feelings, it's that unless very depressed I can override or ignore them and usually do. They're secondary to a rational understanding. This is why I have problems with 'How are you?', and maybe have problems just making friends by liking people, being fundamentally convinced I should really like everyone. It also makes it hard to make decisions. Given what someone else wants, or somehow getting committed to a task, I can work out how to do it (so it's not executive dysfunction in that respect, it's more 'autistic catatonia'). But faced with having to have a preference, I'm consumed by the future of the planet in millions of years. My usual tricks for decisions include: a quick pro-con, if I can think of two reasonable-sounding causes for action, I take a particular path; or I try to evaluate things ethically; or both; or I flip a coin. I also try to apply myself in whatever seems the right way at the moment - if an intervention is waiting to be made, I make it. Or not if something more important-seeming comes up. But that's not great for accomplishing a daily plan, or a life plan. Most people don't have such a thing as a life plan, I'm assured. Although wouldn't it be good to share dreams?
So one day this week I just didn't go into work. I was expecting myself to. It just didn't happen. I can't explain it, and people seem to know me so well they haven't disciplined me, or have their own ideas of the reason. Maybe I'm demotivated and need a new job. I may benefit from people around trying to motivate me, and am a bit adrift in life. They say the mind is a millstone, and when it has nothing to grind, it grinds itself. Well, I spend too long on the web on sites like this, and that provides constant grist, but what for? I know I need more meaningful real-world relationships and mutual collaborations. I think it's because of my alexithymia that firstly I can't explain my own actions, secondly I'm in the habit of believing I will find the motivation soon, so put things off. Sometimes I really try to force myself to not procrastinate and knuckle down, but somehow can't. It's a very frustrating block that I can see reasons to overcome, but just end up getting stressed over my internal conflict. Maybe alexithymia means I think I intend to do honourable or useful things, but really my motivation is just to sound off and eat pizza. But people assure me I'm not lazy - when I'm started on something I'll work 12 hours or more. I just can't predict what that will be. Is trying to force myself a bad thing, because if I fail I get into bad habits of failure? You'd think I might have learned all this being more than halfway through my life, a life that doesn't seem made by choice. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
I think that will do for now.
Maybe you need a break from forums, maybe they are causing you to overthink things.
It sounds like you are in a Catch 22 situation and chasing your own tail in some ways and you are probably right that you need new challenges to motivate you.
Are you able to go for a long evening walk alone or with someone? fresh air and exercise to see if that will help you to sleep through? or some mind numbing task that requires full focus on that task alone that will stop your mind working overtime on other things so it will rest your brain?
Procrastination block - just do it anyway, you could find that the block falls away as you get stuck into it,
Thanks for the considered reply. But...
Oh, I overthink things anyway. I was doing that well before the WWW. Catharting a bit may help, although I'm slightly inhibited from doing that except with one or two friends. In fact, I'm beginning to think that my general tactic of distraction/action, although it avoids ruminative depression, has this motivational problem as a kind of side-effect.
All those hours spent in bed when I was young, wondering what was wrong with me. At first professionals said it was my upbringing and to take some pills. Now they say, yes there is something wrong, although we don't really understand it. Maybe it is time to review the situation.
I think spending time on the forums is more a symptom, of wanting to do something 'easy' - although even here I have contributions I'd planned to make, and haven't. You can't do everything, yes, and they aren't priorities, but I do things that are even lower priority...
I do try to throw myself into things I'd imagine I'd be interested in, but they just pile up as unmet commitments, to myself or others. That's part of the distraction (just distracting to self-manage means the motivation isn't something that comes naturally). There are challenges that would use my strengths and values, but I can't start them. Maybe I should challenge some of my weaknesses....
I may need people to motivate me. It's not entirely a problem with me but a relative lack of social connection. However, I worry that even had I had a partner or children I wouldn't have reacted sufficiently to them.
Are you able to go for a long evening walk alone or with someone?
No, because it's 9am.
fresh air and exercise to see if that will help you to sleep through? or some mind numbing task that requires full focus on that task alone that will stop your mind working overtime on other things so it will rest your brain?
As I think I've mentioned, I get plenty of exercise, cycling on average about 10 miles a day, running two or three times a week. I'm not saying company and exercise aren't beneficial. They're kind of necessary. But it doesn't seem to help much with the way I act when I'm home on my own.
True. Once you start procrastinating about something, of course it becomes a habit. I've let this slip, and nothing terrible has happened. I don't want to have or to be or to go, but would like to do; possibly some of that is a result of a family protestant work ethic.
I am totally demotivated just at the moment. The engine has been sputtering and dying for a while, but the last few days it seems I just cannot work. I put myself in the position where I might, (went into work on Saturday to try again because I failed on Friday), tell myself I've got a list of tasks to work through, and it seems I just cannot. It has been suggested by a friend I go to the GP for depression (you could say the depression is more a result of demotivation than a cause). I really doubt any 'service' can help, but it makes sense strategically to try to concentrate on raising enough motivation to do something that might raise motivation.
I have some abstract questions about this: if you don't accomplish something because you have problems with knowing what you want to do, or with motivation, to what extent is that a disability? How much can other people support motivation? Don't you have to know what you want or like before you can identify a barrier to getting it? Do you have to assume some set of social expectations, like degree or full-time job? ElephantInTheRoom asked 'Who is writing the success criteria?'... well, my view of the world may be one thing preventing me writing my own... and insofar as I do, I can't achieve those.
I didn't mean company for the walks, it was just in case you didn't like being outdoors alone/had anxieties about it. Missed the bit about you cycling so far.
Overthinking - the forums is one less thing to overthink, that's all I was meaning there. Overthinking is perpetual.
You are rejecting everything with every reason not to. You truly are stuck in a rut.
Success is subjective!
Define 'Success' - it is different by each person. There are expectations and desires in life and ambitions.
Success - 2.4 children, house, car, job and holidays - no! that is societal expectations.
Success - a 1st class degree.....means nothing if you are stacking shelves/working on refuse carts.
Successful?
a high stress job that will end up with alcoholism/drug dependency, heart attack/stroke....
A happy family, paying the bills and having just enough but only afford a holiday every other year.
Being comfortable with yourself, who and what you are and your own achievements in life for you.
Having co-ordinating clothes on for once today.
A proactive day.....
It's so subjective. People live by their own experiences and exposures to the world and societal expectations and their own nurtured opinions and uninformed opinions on life and people.
You are between a rock and a hard place!
I hope you get some motivation soon.
OK. No anxiety about outside, so long as it's not too crowded.
If you have to overthink, I'd say it's probably better to overthink in company. That can keep you a bit grounded. Of course it's possible there is a problem to which there is no solution, or the solution is known but not implemented, so analysing it doesn't help.
Thanks for confirming that.
I have had decades trying to sort myself out, so have tried a lot of things. This is probably why the professionals can't say anything helpful either, even if they tried. It's only in the last few months that I've started thinking of it as maybe an adult, internalised 'Pathological Demand Avoidance'. But if I accept that, does it mean I avoid pain in the short term, but get into even worse habits as regards self-motivation?
It's so subjective. People live by their own experiences and exposures to the world and societal expectations and their own nurtured opinions and uninformed opinions on life and people
That seems to be common sense. But what if you've the inability to define it for yourself? You may not accept social conventions, which would be an arbitrary choice of something that is itself arbitrary, but the being unclear what you do want is part of demotivation. It's a connative and emotional problem rather than a cognitive one. I hope that makes sense – there is much variation within 'autism', and I wouldn't be so worried about mine if it, seeing but not choosing, weren't so linked with painful depression.