Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all
I mentioned I might try to get something off my chest here. I'm a bit worried that I might go on too much or ramble, or get emotional, or probably worst of all, still not be understood. So I'll try to keep this first post a reasonable length. Although as I hope to explain, that may mean that I go on for ten pages.
Where to begin? And then where to go? Well, there's so much jumbled up, different ways of seeing things: focusorganisationsatisfactionselfdisciplineselfawarenesscuriosityheadacheplanningachievementmotivationintroversionrelectionattentiondepresionobsessionsleepmissingmeaningfatigueisolationlaziness
And that's just part of it. Maybe sleep, then. I'd said only a few months ago that my sleep was normal. But the last few weeks the pattern has been intending to get to bed 10-10.30 and read, often staying up past midnight, get to sleep immediately, wake up at 3am, can't get back to sleep again, feel very tired, mess around a bit trying to relax, microsleeps, try to snooze, get a few minutes, restless again, get absorbed in something online by the morning, then something else, still hoping to catch up on sleep and nodding off, put off what I was meaning to do because I'm not feeling energetic enough and I'm not really thinking about it as immersed in finding something out and digesting it, most of the day's suddenly gone, get frustrated, try to do one basic thing, intend to get to bed 10-10.30, repeat.
It seems that my brain doesn't really shut off, although I have tried meditation (running while just accepting sensations seems to work better). It always has to probe and assess and conclude and often comes up with sensible plans. But actually carrying out those plans can get put off for weeks or not happen at all. What's the point of a to-do list when I seem unable to force myself to get started? And sleep makes things worse. It's like the curiosity is there all the time, but any sensible motivation to do the washing or ring the bank or act on one of my ideas is much reduced. That's kind of expected when you're tired, but shouldn't the dratted mental processing give up as well? Can't I just watch a crap film? No, I just think about how crap it is (Sicario 2 not recommended: if you're interested wait for it on TV with subtitles).
So, is there anything I can do about the sleep? Could it be worse this time of year because of the early dawn? I'm not sure, I can't tell. Maybe I should get heavier drapes for my bedroom, but that's another thing I've been putting off, as has registering with a GP. Could it be depression causing early waking? Well, I don't currently feel anywhere near as depressed as I have, but then one of the main virtues of this diagnosis has been not feeling obliged to feel anything. It's autism meaning something affecting my ability to connect to people, but with main features being 'alexithymia' (not knowing what you're feeling) and poor 'executive function' (getting stuff done). It's not that I don't understand feelings, it's that unless very depressed I can override or ignore them and usually do. They're secondary to a rational understanding. This is why I have problems with 'How are you?', and maybe have problems just making friends by liking people, being fundamentally convinced I should really like everyone. It also makes it hard to make decisions. Given what someone else wants, or somehow getting committed to a task, I can work out how to do it (so it's not executive dysfunction in that respect, it's more 'autistic catatonia'). But faced with having to have a preference, I'm consumed by the future of the planet in millions of years. My usual tricks for decisions include: a quick pro-con, if I can think of two reasonable-sounding causes for action, I take a particular path; or I try to evaluate things ethically; or both; or I flip a coin. I also try to apply myself in whatever seems the right way at the moment - if an intervention is waiting to be made, I make it. Or not if something more important-seeming comes up. But that's not great for accomplishing a daily plan, or a life plan. Most people don't have such a thing as a life plan, I'm assured. Although wouldn't it be good to share dreams?
So one day this week I just didn't go into work. I was expecting myself to. It just didn't happen. I can't explain it, and people seem to know me so well they haven't disciplined me, or have their own ideas of the reason. Maybe I'm demotivated and need a new job. I may benefit from people around trying to motivate me, and am a bit adrift in life. They say the mind is a millstone, and when it has nothing to grind, it grinds itself. Well, I spend too long on the web on sites like this, and that provides constant grist, but what for? I know I need more meaningful real-world relationships and mutual collaborations. I think it's because of my alexithymia that firstly I can't explain my own actions, secondly I'm in the habit of believing I will find the motivation soon, so put things off. Sometimes I really try to force myself to not procrastinate and knuckle down, but somehow can't. It's a very frustrating block that I can see reasons to overcome, but just end up getting stressed over my internal conflict. Maybe alexithymia means I think I intend to do honourable or useful things, but really my motivation is just to sound off and eat pizza. But people assure me I'm not lazy - when I'm started on something I'll work 12 hours or more. I just can't predict what that will be. Is trying to force myself a bad thing, because if I fail I get into bad habits of failure? You'd think I might have learned all this being more than halfway through my life, a life that doesn't seem made by choice. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
I think that will do for now.
Do you think it might be a cycle of poor quality sleep and being drowsy during the day and then because of drowsiness during the day you're back to not being tired enough to sleep at night? I sometimes go through this. I think a good way to want to sleep and go to sleep easily at night is to exhaust yourself during the day, for just one day. Drowsiness during the day is like having many microsleeps during the day, and you don't burn off enough energy, so you're still not tried at night. If it is possible to have a full day of doing something energy consuming, like socializing, or travelling, or exercising, as I am usually really tired after these activities. Or maybe even having a really full day of work without any drowsiness, e.g., from 7am to 10pm. It usually works for me only after one or two days of mentally exhausting myself during the day. It might take longer if you have been in this cycle for a while. Don't know if it will help you, but this is my experience.
I've had that behaviour at times in the past, particularly when younger and depressed. Sleeping in the day, so sleeping at night is disturbed. I don't think it's the situation at the moment – surely a few seconds of sleep at the desk in the evening can't add up to much.
Yes, physical activity may help: I had at least three hours' exercise yesterday (running and cycling), and managed to get 6 hours' sleep last night (in cool air and with an eye mask), which feels like a success, but I feel like I still need to catch up sleep from the past ten years. (There is some evidence that 'core' sleep deficits that are 'carried forward' are relatively small, so the explanation could be depression instead.)
I think my problem is more going to bed late. The main causes for my headache I think are lack of sleep and possibly too much sugar or some other dietary intolerance. I can be so tired that my headache is so bad that that prevents getting off. That's rare though. I tend to find the later I go to bed, the more disturbed my sleep and the earlier I wake. I'll try to aim for a little earlier.
Headaches - dehydration? that can be a cause of headaches.
Cassandro said:I have heard an autistic speaker, who I related to in other respects, tell of how headaches are with him every minute of the day. It could just be a core symptom for me too, I suppose, something I have to accept.
I hope not.
Yes, I suppose that's one way of telling. Kidneys become less efficient with age, so I was perhaps thinking pale pee is in some sense not good, but you're right. I've changed my behaviour as a result of a kidney stone, in terms of at least aiming at 3 litres, with no noticeable effect on the headaches, so I don't think dehydration can be a big factor.
I occasionally try to record such things, and the most notable thing has been the occasional relief apparently after an (inadvertent) good night's sleep. Feeling on the verge of tears also produces a headache, and it could be a 'somatisation' response to depression, along with chest pains (and no, that's not a physical heart problem, I know they're emotional in origin). I'd associate them at their most intense with staying up late on the computer, or even when out at a film or event and hard to stay awake.
I have heard an autistic speaker, who I related to in other respects, tell of how headaches are with him every minute of the day. It could just be a core symptom for me too, I suppose, something I have to accept.
(+) I remember remarking on them to a trusted adult when I was 10. Whether it goes back much further than that I don't know, so it could be acquired. To be clear, this is a tension headache, nothing like a migraine.
Dehydration is a common cause of headaches and it's an easy one to rule out by drinking more and eliminating it from your suspected causes. Not a great source of conversation, but your urine is an indicator of dehydration just google dehydration charts - pale is good.
I usually have a pint glass of water near me, refilling it when empty (like now), and drink for other medical reasons. I think it's 2-3 litres of water per day is recommended. I may be ignoring thirst, so might try to count up to see if I meet that.
Eye strain and uncorrected vision may be another cause. I don't yet really need reading glasses, but a trip to the optician may also help (if I can motivate myself).