Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello All.
I was told by my wife today that things are not more difficult for me they are just different... I think word “just” hurt a bit. I agree that “differences” it is better description than illness etc. But aren’t differences more challenging in mainstream society or NT family ?
I’m curious what you think. Thanks.
No, I don’t think things are more difficult for an autistic person than they are for an nt person. And how could that even be quantified?
There are many aspects of myself, the autism, that give me a distinct benefit over nt people. It’s apples and oranges. It’s our attitude, our mindset and our response to life, ourselves and others, that makes the difference, not our physical or mental set up.
A victim mindset will always think it’s life is harder than other people’s lives and will use this as a barrier to even trying, and a loving, accepting and understanding mindset, will always see life as equal, but different, and it will put its focus on, how can I do better, rather than dwell on all the ways in which the life can be seen as terrible and worse than everybody else’s.
A victim mindset will always think it’s life is harder than other people’s lives
You don't need to have a victim mindset at all. If you have difficulties with certain things that other people either find easy or do without having to think about them, then you have difficulties. That isn't to say they can't be overcome, or even used to one's advantage in other ways. You would be able to quantify these difficulties better if you worked with autistic people and saw some of the struggles and challenges they have. Even the higher-functioning ones. Disability, or 'different ability' in our society is largely a social construct. The disabled are expected to adapt to conditions, rather than society accommodating them more.
I don't go around thinking to myself 'Oh, woe is me! I have no idea why I can't seem to make friends or handle relationships. I have no idea why I have anxiety attacks over seemingly trivial things.' At the same time, I accept that I have difficulties in some areas of life. Every autistic person has them, to a greater or lesser degree.
Yes I agree ... I’ve got to work on my mindset. There is no doubt about that and probably this is what my wife wasn’t happy about. Saying that quite often I do struggle with setting boundaries. Example: Friday afternoon, my father in law has a appointment with a nurse, he refuses to go on his own because of his poor English (which is a big issue for me because I personally wouldn’t feel allowed to stay in this country if I wouldn’t make an effort to learn) I go with him anyway and I perform quite well in set social situations (as long as I can stick to my “script” and stories for social situations). He uses his illness and poor language skills to make me do things for him, including driving etc. Friday afternoon and is the most difficult part of the week as routine changes from work to weekend, heat makes me feel dizzy, confused ... I do avoid driving when I’m distressed which sometimes means that I have to get somewhere on foot or I’m not going at all. So I say that I can’t drive ... but he is not listening and says that he can’t move (which is not true). So my point is I had to refuse to drive three times and with details explain why and prove that his discomfort with moving his legs in this situation it’s nothing compared to my sensory issues etc.
Can you “see” what I’m trying to say?