Published on 12, July, 2020
Some people are very unfortunate in life, and I would consider people with autism spectrum disorders to be amongst the unfortunate - especially because nobody wants this type of condition. Even though my life could have turned out far worse I still consider myself very unlucky; my life is extremely sad compared to the lives of non-disabled neurotypicals. I feel as though I was only brought into the world to suffer in the way nobody should be made to suffer. Being placed in unsettling environments where I don't belong and put in such overwhelming and distressing situations that trigger my sensory issues is very cruel; my family members are fully aware of my daily struggles but don't show any empathy towards me at all. Every single time I would feel the need to run off to the special needs counsellors my parents would accuse me of misbehaving just because I'm showing signs of depression. Then when I try to get special needs professional help that is when they seem to accuse me of getting fixated and dwelling on my Asperger's condition. Yet they wonder why I end up venting my frustration on library books and other property. There are times when I don't see any point in being alive if all life is going to consist of is endless torture, because having autism is torture for autistic sufferers and their families. So many depressed people on the autism spectrum have died by suicide - what if that happens to me eventually? What if I end up killing myself in just a few years' time?
I have a friend whose daughter is autistic and she calls it her 'gift'. I admire her positivity, much like her mother's, and sometimes I can find a space that makes me feel that way too. Those are the days I cling to when things are not going so well; those days that you talk about where you just want to run away from it all. As far as empathy goes it's hard for anyone not suffering from ASD to relate to our mindset, just as it's hard for us to understand why they can't see things from our perspective. As with many disorders and also disabilities, some people just assume sufferers are swinging the lead for attention. It would be great if everyone could walk a mile in the shoes of those who are suffering, just to experience the torture. I started writing a few years ago before I realised I had ASD and the sense of achievement it gives me to finish a novel really helps me to convince myself that I can make a positive contribution to the world and shut out the crowds, which in turn helps keep the negativity at bay. Maybe choose something you really enjoy doing and try to let it give greater value to your life.