Published on 12, July, 2020
Since I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago,, (aged 51 female for those that don't know me) I'm not sure who i am. I have struggled always, masked most of the time an had catastrophic mental health problems but also raised a family of 5 children got a degree and held a professional job for 20 years untill i became too ill.
I don't know how to be me. How to not mask, I can do all of nothing, mask or curl up in a ball. Stay in bed or up but I'm my nighty or go out and be that ever coping mother/ house wife etc. This is not working for me it messed with my head being the super masked woman, I need to not be her, but how do I be someone else that isn't just a fat blob in a bed rocking.
I'm NOT feeling suicidal at the moment, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of point to it all.
How do I become me?
Song said:
Song... give yourself some time. It takes a while to sink in. I've gone through the things you mention: catastrophic (and suicidal) mental health problems, a lifetime of struggles, many years of not knowing who the hell I am and why I matter to anyone else. My head is a psychedelic jigsaw puzzle run through a blender. But I have a better understanding now of who I am than I've ever had. And that self-knowledge has given me a reason to go forwards - a reason I couldn't have had without my diagnosis. That's what put it all into context for me, and helped me to make sense.
I still get moments of thinking that there isn't any point to it all. But that just reminds me that not knowing the point is the best reason I have to keep trying to find out the point.
I hope that makes sense.
Take care,
Tom
My head is a psychedelic jigsaw puzzle run through a blender.
That is perfect.
're mental health are you medicated?
No. I don't take any medication. I self-medicate, though. I'm going through a bad patch myself right now. It comes in waves. It's a bad time of year for me, though, with the anniversaries of mum's passing (26th April last year) and dad's passing (7th May 2004), plus my birthday last Saturday (12th May). A lot of stuff is crowding in. It's making me feel very low. But I know it will pass. So I'll give it the time to.
I have an appointment to see my GP on Wednesday, when I'll spill it all out. I really need to be not working at all right now. I'm on a week's annual leave, but I feel that won't be enough. I'll see how it goes.
Take care.