Published on 12, July, 2020
I've had some depressions over the years... but it's a long time since I've felt like I do now.
I'm back to work tomorrow after 10 days' leave. I took the time because it was the first anniversary of mum's passing. I thought it would be good to relax, reflect, get some exercise, catch up on sleep, maybe do a little reading and writing.
Practically the only thing I've really done from that list is sleep. It's all I really want to do - curl up and drift off. So that I don't have to feel this gnawing anxiety. So I don't have think about the fact that I don't want to do anything else at all.
I like my job. But last week I also found out that my manager - a lovely person, and the best manager I've had in many years - has gone. I won't go into the details. It doesn't matter now. Suffice it to say that the situation is very unfair. But good people often get treated unfairly. So, now I dread going back. I have this horrible sense of foreboding - like things are going on behind the scenes and I have no control over them. And maybe I'll be next.
All of a sudden, I just feel completely alone and defenceless. I just want to sleep again to make it go away.
A drink would quell the horrible sick-feeling of anxiety. But that's no real fix, and I don't want to touch it.
But it's awful feeling like this. Just watching the clock, watching tomorrow getting closer... and just wanting to sleep.
Second leave of 10 days in a month - but it's a difficult time of year for me. Mum passed away on 26th April 2017. Dad passed away on 7th May 2004. My birthday was on Saturday, 12th May. Tomorrow, 16th, is the anniversary of mum's funeral. Dad's was on 17th. 17th was actually the first date suggested for mum, too, and it would have been so good. Almost like they were being reunited. But my brother and his wife were going on holiday on that day! So it had to be brought forward a day. Same thing happened with dad, too. The date was changed because they were going on holiday. Ah well. History.
I've never felt this bad. Even when I last tried to take my life, I didn't feel as bad as this. I'm empty. Used up. I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to exercise, to write, to read, to go out. I'm going through the motions - as I do when I'm at work. Nothing really makes any sense to me any more.
Just my cat. I'm here for her. I live to be here for her. She had a terrible life before I got her. She has a good life now. And she keeps me clinging on. It's a mutual dependency... and little does she realise how much is riding on her continued existence in my life.
If anything should happen to me, I'll make sure she's well taken care of. She'll have to go back to the rescue centre I got her from - she's adopted - and she'll have what little savings I have. I know she'll get another good home. But that's if anything happens to me. I'm not planning anything. I don't want to die. But I see no fun in living. None at all. None. I've burned out.
I hope that you are alright and getting support, if you feel really bad, please let someone know, after going through a similar patch, I know how horrible it is but we all care for you, a lovely guy. Hold on, hold tight, it will pass, the clouds are just passing by. lots of hugs and love to you and your cat.