Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello guys
I really think I have or am on the spectrum but I just don't know where to start to communicate this to anyone.
Can someone help and advise me how I go about best communicating how I feel?
I am a 29 year old man and for the past 6 years or so I have essentially isolated myself and lost all my friends. I manage to live socially on a very basic level but it always gets overwhelming and the relationships/friendships die.
I find it so difficult to communicate in groups of people or with new people at all; I have to be drunk and then I am okay.
I have no idea how to 'get' places i.e. i'm constantly wondering how people have 'done' what they have done - i have no idea or vision of every owning my own home - how do people know they have the money for that?
I recently done that autism test and scored very highly. But the thing is my mind races so fast and is so fixated on 'WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME' and self obsessing thoughts that I lose focus of anything else.
I can do tasks only one way and I have to be shown. I'm most happiest at work when I get to do that task over and over again with no deviations and if there is any change I am completely stumped and it stresses me out too much and then the confused self depracating thoughts come in.
I've had one relationship but it ended because I was so fixated on how things 'should' be, where the relationship 'should'be at any one time it put to much pressure on my ex.
I just don't know how to explain any of this to a doctor because face to face i wont be able to recall any of how i'm feeling and my verbal communication is often jumbled and poor.
Does this sound like I have something wrong with me, it's got to a point in my life now where I feel in despair and am becoming quite angry over everything and every situation.
Hi Haitch,
i sympathise completely. I am all those things too. Yes, I'd say feeling different is definitely a sign. The more you research the experiences of others on the spectrum the more you will find that you are not alone. Do you have at least one person you can talk to about the possibility that you're on the spectrum? It's not that you have anything wrong with you, it's because you're wired differently and western culture doesn't yet acknowledge Homo Sapiens Autisticus as a legitimate new species of human being. :-)
research, read and identify other people's experiences that relate completely to your own, you will find many on this forum. If you're on Facebook then check if there's a local group that can help you with local diagnosis advice and perhaps local group meetings.
Getting support will grow your confidence as you learn strategies for interacting with others and getting your needs met. Most of the time I don't know how I feel, I just know I need lots of time to work it out. If you need help working out how to communicate what you feel then having examples of what other autistic people do (in general) and relating these to your own stories might help others understand your predicament. It'll also give you a framework from which your own understanding will grow and from that you'll be in a better position to tackle the inherent prejudice and ignorance of the Neuro-typical.
Seek out some help in the form of psychotherapy / counselling. This need not be expensive. Your local FB group should be able to help here too. I have therapy once a week and it's the only time I feel truly heard and I can practice strategies for dealing with others in a safe non-judgemental environment. Because it is run by a local charity I only pay £20 instead of £45 or more!
I'm currently in the process of getting up the courage to see my doctor with my accumulated evidence and like you, I don't feel able to communicate clearly when speaking, so I'm writing it all out and will give her a spoken summary as I hand her my 10 page document.
The good news is you're still young and with proper support you'll be able to get back on track and lead a happy fulfilling life.