Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't have an official diagnosis, however I've made the decision to call the doctors and hopefully start the process, because I have a major issue in my life (aside from scoring "high" on AS online self tests, "severe" in depression self tests and "high" in anxiety self tests, and my 2yr old son is having emotional issues and is already in the diagnosis and support system), in that I can't properly communicate or relate emotionally with my wife and it's making her sad and lonely. She's trying everything to keep us both happy (including being active on forums for people who's partners are on the spectrum for advice she can use).
She used to make me shut down completely in arguments, because I used to say things that were interpreted differently, or I didn't use the right tone, or didn't answer quickly enough, or didn't show any emotion on my face. It used to make me close up and go silent or stutter my responses in panic. Now she allows me more time to respond, which results in longer arguments and silences but kinda works. I still pick at facts or concentrate on little things or issues which only makes argument worse.
I struggle to keep my tone in check. What I believe is just speaking normally is often taken to be bored monotone, snapping or sarcasm. It used to cause the most arguments coz she used to get upset when I used a "tone" and instead of apologizing I'd get defensive coz in my own opinion I hadn't used any "tone". She often tells me these days how much she let's slip by or lets me "get away with" rather than cause a fuss.
I'm constantly getting things wrong by understanding instructions wrong or not picking up on intonations that would change a sentence that regular people would pick up on. I'm always saying "you didn't say that" or "you didn't tell me to do that" or "you said this" when everyone around me is like.... nope you're wrong. I just dont get certain implied things or situations.
I believe I'm very emotionally selfish. I tend to think "Oh darn I'm in the doghouse" rather than "Oh darn I've upset her" and every situation I think about how I feel and my reaction to it rather than consider anyone else. I don't do it on purpose, and I don't like that I do it. I also mask a lot of strong emotions. I could be devastated inside but not show a bit of it on my face. I tend to mirror my wife somewhat. Whenever she's happy, I'm happy. Whenever she's down, I go down too and it makes it near impossible to be the supportive husband to bring her back up again.
Long story short, and thanks for reading this far, my wife is doing everything to make us happy. What can I do? What do I need to change? What can I do to stop her being sad and lonely?
Hi and welcome,
Already you are trying by coming here for help! you recognise the things that are apparently wrong. That’s a good thing, the hurdle now is trying not to be you!
You have already said your partner is trying to adjust to suit you, it needs you both to recognise the trigger points and try to find ways of coping with them, as a joint thing,
I am afraid I cannot give you any “good “ advice as I too am struggling much the same,
My voice is often raised when I speak and monotone as well, the little details are what plague me, I try to keep them inside but eventually when so many have built up it doesn’t take much for me to become defensive as I am often told I am wrong,,I most probably am, but not aware of it at the time. Apparently I have always been like this and it has caused many problems over the years, I say things that cause upset, I raise my voice,I don’t show enough emotion, I apparently care for others more than my own family.
I wait to see what advice is given especially as from my own point of view I am only being me, so to change that I must wear a better mask and stop thinking as I do.
I really wish you and your family the best of luck as you sound like you are recent in partnership and getting things sorted now is the time to do it.
Keep trying to understand and ask what it is you are apparently doing wrong when it happens, talking things through although extremely difficult is the only way to come up with a strategy that works, maybe write letters or notes to each other, or text, not so silly as raised voices and getting anxious are not an option then.
take care,
We've been together 6 years, so should have got the big stuff out the way first, but this has been a slow burner. Like a bug bite, they're not really noticed until they're constant and repeated.
I shouldn't get defensive. I don't really have a right to get defensive and make excuses when I'm the issue the majority of the time. I'm just tired of being wrong. Wrong tone, wrong way of dealing with something, wrong response, wrong interpretation etc