I'm upsetting my family

Thankyou, that does make sense! I'm seeking help with depression (and anxiety, though while it is a fairly common occurrence it's not generally detrimental to everyday living) alongside testing for AS, so hopefully something will lift my general mood and confident and make me easier to be around (funny, happy etc) again.

Saying I made the decision to seek help, I've not actually made the appointment yet. Part of me wanted to seek help from others first which is why I'm here. Part of me is afraid to make the call and start a potentially life changing process. I don't usually ask for help as a general rule, not by conscious choice, I just never have so kinda cemented the notion in my mind that I can help myself, that I can change myself, that I don't need help. I'm past that now, there's no other choice. I've realised depression in a real thing and I've been a depressive state for a lot of my life. It's only as I've grown as an adult that I've realised people generally just don't live their lives like that.

I'll make the call later today. Thanks for the responses, they've helped

The first thing you can do is to stop assuming that you need to change yourself. Even if the problems arise from your condition or from a combination of that and your own inner personality, dwelling on what has happened in the past and what might have been the cause of these events is not productive.

You say your wife is supportive, but if she were truly supportive, she wouldn't be making such a big deal out of how many allowances she has been making for your behaviour or blaming you for how your mannerisms are affecting the relationship. You say that many of your problems have arisen out of lack of support when you were a child, but now you are still suffering from not being properly supported.

A relationship between two people requires effort from both participants. It's not just you who needs to make things better. The fact that you really want to make the relationship work means that you are in the right mindset. However, if you end up having to sacrifice who you are, it will only detract further from your confidence, and eventually something is going to snap.

I guess what I'm saying is that you should first accept yourself as you are, limitations and all. That is the only way others will learn to accept you. Nobody is perfect, but you are measuring yourself against perfection.

For the purpose of this post it's assumed I'm on the spectrum. I completely understand that does not compare to an official diagnosis, which I have begun the process to find out. My wife is a nursery teacher and mother in law a reception teacher, both with extra S.E.N. training. It was them between them that introduced the possibility to me and pointed out all their reasons. Then my son came along and it was almost immediately apparent, and we've started seeking support and a diagnosis for him. My parents confirmed I was "exactly like that when you were his age". Combined with a lot of social and emotional issues as I grew up, I'd be very surprised if I didn't get a diagnosis. Either that or this is just how I am as a person at my core without AS and that scares me.

Well, before we met I lived with parents, I went to the gym, attended a hiphop/street dance class, and met up with friends maybe once a week, otherwise I'd be in my room on my computer the rest of the time. I had no real responsibilities. I was comparatively happy and confident.

My wife met me while I was at my peak in that mental state. I was funny, flirty, open and honest. I moved in with her a few months later and got married about 6 months later again. She already had two kids so I got a family all in one go. I guess it's easier to ignore or overlook AS traits when everything is rosy and everyone is happy. Then she began to point out little concerns about how I spoke to her and the kids sometimes, that sometimes I didn't pay attention or didn't consider their feelings. Started pointing out how sometimes I was emotionally distant, or didn't share her joy at getting good marks in her degree assignments, didn't support her when she was upset. They were all little things at first, but I started losing my confidence.

Its taken the 6 years, but I believe any AS traits I had have been more obvious, more pronounced, and it's become a spiral as I snap more, spend days in a sullen state, getting more things wrong. I really do appreciate being told it takes two to tango, that the blame can't all be on my shoulders, but when I know she's been seeking her own help in dealing with difficulties in having a AS spouse and applying what she's learned, and I know it's my mental state that's declining, it's difficult not to take blame.

I didn't get any support when I was a child, coz 30 years ago opinions were different. My frequent screaming sessions, strong preference for playing alone, aggressive possessiveness of certain toys at nursery, my aversion to dirt and rough textures, all dismissed as being "tired" or just plain naughty. Then around the time I started school I turned it all inward, became a bit happier but social issues remained. As a young adult I was often inappropriate or offensive without realizing it, had quirky behaviors and unusual interests, and so on. I believe it's that lack of support of my emotional states and social behaviors as a child that's biting me in the ass now as an adult married man with all the highs and lows and responsibilities of a family.

Some may think "maybe the marriage just isn't working", and to that I say no, I'm lucky to have a wife who's trying to be supportive of me and has stayed with me this long. I believe I'd be the same no matter who I'm with, so I'm seeking assistance now.

What it boils right down to, if we remove all the content of my posts, if we remove all blame and assumptions apart from one, is one plain question:

What can a person with these AS traits do to be more emotionally supportive and present for his wife?

Thankyou for all responses so far!

It takes two to make a relationship and two to break one. I don't think it's reasonable at all for one person to take all of the blame upon themselves or to have all of the blame put onto them. Sure, you MIGHT have AS but your wife obviously found that to be no problem at all throughout your dating otherwise surely she wouldn't have married you? What has changed (and when) during the six years you've been married?

I'm sorry but I found your total acceptance of full blame for everything wrong in your relationship to be worrying. Who has decided that, all of a sudden, you don't communicate "properly", that your tone(s) are not "right", that you are "emotionally selfish"? It sounds from what you've written that you are the only one who IS considering the other person's emotions! You certainly sound like the only one doing any apologising.  

Your wife doesn't "allow" you more time to respond, if she wants a response she either accepts she has to wait for it to be formulated or she doesn't get one! Honestly, read back what you've written but imagine it to be written by a woman? What does this sound like now? 

Yes, AS can cause problems in and with relationships but that doesn't mean that EVERY problem in the relationship is caused by AS. My partner isn't AS but he is perfectly capable of being an ASS.  

SNAP! 

30 plus years here,

We've been together 6 years, so should have got the big stuff out the way first, but this has been a slow burner. Like a bug bite, they're not really noticed until they're constant and repeated.

I shouldn't get defensive. I don't really have a right to get defensive and make excuses when I'm the issue the majority of the time. I'm just tired of being wrong. Wrong tone, wrong way of dealing with something, wrong response, wrong interpretation etc

I do tend to avoid discussions, that's my fault not hers, only because I never know what to say so stand there in silence like a child being told off. It's frustrating for both of us. I avoid conflict (or situations that could provoke it) wherever I can.

We tend to "discuss" things mostly in arguments because things build to a point where one of us snaps. We've been together 6 years. Neither of us had any inkling of me being on the spectrum (although it explains *so much* of my life) until my traits just wore us both away.

I really don't want to start discussions about feelings and such as I'm so afraid of the potential escalation, but that may be my only option. I've always bottled up my thoughts and feelings. Talking about them is alien to me.

Despite this post, I must stress that when we're good, we're amazing. We've always shared the same dreams, goals, ideas and humour. I just want her to be happy with me too

I could be wrong, but it sounds from what you said as though you and your wife communicate primarily through arguments.

You say you think you're being selfish, but people, whether on the spectrum or not, respond first to their own feelings and only secondarily to another person's feelings. It's a natural response. It actually sounds as though you have more empathy than she does, because you are drawn into her moods, but, at the same time, you mask your own feelings, thus protecting her from their effects. It also seems to me that she misunderstands you just as much as you misunderstand her, but while she gets frustrated and blames you, you blame yourself.

Instead of letting discussions become arguments, perhaps you could both agree to take a time out or change the subject when the tension becomes high. Don't try to do that on your own, though, because then she'll think you are avoiding the topic on purpose.

Hi and welcome,

Already you are trying by coming here for help!  you recognise the things that are apparently wrong. That’s a good thing, the hurdle now is trying not to be you!

You have already said your partner is trying to adjust to suit you, it needs you both to recognise the trigger points and try to find ways of coping with them, as a joint thing, 

I am afraid I cannot give you any “good “ advice as I too am struggling much the same, 

My voice is often raised when I speak and monotone as well, the little details are what plague me, I try to keep them inside but eventually when so many have built up it doesn’t take much for me to become defensive as I am often told I am wrong,,I most probably am, but not aware of it at the time. Apparently I have always been like this and it has caused many problems over the years, I say things that cause upset, I raise my voice,I don’t show enough emotion, I apparently care for others more than my own family.

I wait to see what advice is given especially as from my own point of view I am only being me, so to change that I must wear a better mask and stop thinking as I do.

I really wish you and your family the best of luck as you sound like you are recent in partnership and getting things sorted now is the time to do it.

Keep trying to understand and ask what it is you are apparently doing wrong when it happens, talking things through although extremely difficult is the only way to come up with a strategy that works, maybe write letters or notes to each other, or text, not so silly as raised voices and getting anxious are not an option then.

take care,