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"Putting on my best normal" - how to shed the mask and do it anyway...

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over 6 years ago

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5509825/

Masks / Camouflage / Performance art etc,  call it what you will but after many years of "fitting in" - as a partner, mother, employee, daughter, sister, sibling, citizen it is possible to successfully drop the mask completely and does everyone mask to a certain extent. But, what happens when it becomes detrimental and shift has got to happen in order to save yourself?

"..... two key motivations for camouflaging; assimilation and connection. This suggests that camouflaging behaviours come from multiple sources. They may be internally driven by the individual to accomplish specific goals such as friendships, but they may also be produced as a response to external demands placed on how a person should behave in society. The differential influence of each of these motivations varies between individuals, but our findings suggest that people are strongly motivated by wanting to avoid discrimination and negative responses from others."

Do you even remember or know who your true self is or has ever been?

But think of the risks? Feeling more exposed, vulnerable, being feeling duped - "so you just "played a role" all of these years. What if they don't like the true you? The saying goes "you can bend a twig but not a branch...after so many years is it feasible to re-set self and start again?

And there, lies the rub, did you mask due to self preservation or just due to a fear of rejection and being outcast from society?

So question: Is it possible to drop the mask? Is that too extreme, or is it just better to find small pockets in life to "be" (you know, when everyone has gone to bed and no one is watching)? Why did we learn to mask in the first place?

Parents
  • over 6 years ago

    I distinctly remember that when I left primary school which had been an awful experienced of being excluded because I was odd.  I decided or realised that when I went to secondary school I could reinvent myself because no one would know who I was before.  This was quite liberating.  I hadn't been able to hide at primary school because everyone had known me since I was 4-5 years old.  At that age you've got no concept of 'hiding self' I don't think.  So it's already out there and there is nothing that you can do.

    This might sound odd (but I'm going to say it anyway) but it's a bit like dogs or cats (I love animals).  The "group" can tell when one animal is 'different' in some way.  I've seen it over and over again in cats and in dogs.  The group then shuns or attacks the 'odd one'.  There is no language between animals.  It is not social, at least not not in a way that humans might be able to understand.  However there is a sense amongst the animals and one is excluded, sometimes just ignored but sometimes attacked.  I really felt that myself.  The excluded one.  The one everyone could tell was different.  When I've had cats like that, I've rehomed them to 'single cat households'.  They should not be left with the group as it's damaging.

    I wonder if that is why we must develop masks?  It's survival is it?  Yet we remain on the edge, only just getting by with a mask but always knowing we are on the edge somewhat . . . We can dip into the group with our mask on for a short while but we can't stay too long because it will soon become evident that we are wearing a mask?

Reply
  • over 6 years ago

    I distinctly remember that when I left primary school which had been an awful experienced of being excluded because I was odd.  I decided or realised that when I went to secondary school I could reinvent myself because no one would know who I was before.  This was quite liberating.  I hadn't been able to hide at primary school because everyone had known me since I was 4-5 years old.  At that age you've got no concept of 'hiding self' I don't think.  So it's already out there and there is nothing that you can do.

    This might sound odd (but I'm going to say it anyway) but it's a bit like dogs or cats (I love animals).  The "group" can tell when one animal is 'different' in some way.  I've seen it over and over again in cats and in dogs.  The group then shuns or attacks the 'odd one'.  There is no language between animals.  It is not social, at least not not in a way that humans might be able to understand.  However there is a sense amongst the animals and one is excluded, sometimes just ignored but sometimes attacked.  I really felt that myself.  The excluded one.  The one everyone could tell was different.  When I've had cats like that, I've rehomed them to 'single cat households'.  They should not be left with the group as it's damaging.

    I wonder if that is why we must develop masks?  It's survival is it?  Yet we remain on the edge, only just getting by with a mask but always knowing we are on the edge somewhat . . . We can dip into the group with our mask on for a short while but we can't stay too long because it will soon become evident that we are wearing a mask?

Children