Published on 12, July, 2020
I would have started a poll but I can't see how to do that.
My daughter has just asked why I don't wear any make up,
It's uncomfortable, makes my face itch, makes me look very odd and I can't do it myself and look like anything other than a clown but my husband says it's because I'm autistic, what do you think?
This used to be a big issue for me. From mid-teens I wouldn't be seen without full (caked on) make-up and would go to extraordinary lengths to avoid people seeing me without it - ignoring the door, even if it was a parcel delivery I had been waiting on, poor timekeeping at work (it takes a long time to do the full works) which led to me losing jobs in my teens and early twenties, RIDICULOUS lengths to avoid being seen. It was a very stressful and emotional thing at the time but I find it difficult to remember exactly why now. I would have palpitations and panic attacks at the very possibility of being seen without make-up! Autism wasn't even on my radar back then.
The make-up became less caked-on and more 'natural' looking through my late twenties and throughout my thirties but the stress over being seen without it didn't lessen until my late thirties.
Very gradually, I stopped wearing it at home. Then stopped on the days I was spending out locally with the kids. Then VERY gradually, by the time I hit 40, I was only wearing it for nights out or things like interviews or important appointments. I stopped wearing it completely by the time I was about 43. It wasn't exactly a decision, I just somehow stopped bothering with it without particularly noticing. It's been two years since then and I can't say I'd never wear it again (maybe for a wedding or publicity photo?) but I don't like the claustrophobic feeling it gave me wearing it the last few times and the hassle of removing it all just doesn't seem worth the effort anymore,
Knowing about my autism now, I wonder if wearing make-up was a sort of protection, or mask, which I needed to be able to function socially but that's with hindsight. I'm just relieved not to feel i 'have to' wear it at all anymore. Now I just have to work out how to function without the rest of my 'masks'. (Is that actually possible? I really would like to know!)
I know what you mean about functioning without a "mask". Between the age of 12 to about 24 I didn't wear a mask much. I was far less stressed in myself but it lead to a lot of other stress due to stuff that didn't fit with the expectations of society. I hit an age where I had to conform more. I was admittedly out of control, comfortable in my skin but out of control. I could do my job, have relationships e.t.c. but I was always considered "crazy" and "a wildcard". This always ended up in incidents or burnout. I don't want to get into it too much but what was normal for me wasn't normal for most of the people I had to interact with. I tried to "act normal" after a particularly bad run.
When I did start to act more "regular" my stress levels hit the ceiling. My habits became massive concerning drugs and alcohol. I could function with massive amounts of drugs and alcohol. I'd seem sober as a judge, go to work, hit all my targets, go on a date, but it was killing me. I was telling lies to everyone around me to avoid certain situations. I became the "mask" people expected. Things would boil over eventually from time to time. The rage and confusion would boil over. I had violent incidents (never with my girlfriend or family though), breakdowns, then I'd be the model worker, friend, son and boyfriend. The pattern continued until I hit 35. I totally lost my mind.
After 3 years I got my diagnosis. Things started to make sense. All this stuff that I'd feared became no longer a mystery. I've lived with "masks" and without them. Both were equally uncomfortable at times. I think it's getting a balance between the two and admitting the things you can face as and when. I've heard that a lot of ASD stress and mental illness is caused by hypersensibilities, like finding strategies to cope, adjusting our behaviours, being more anxious of others reactions and things of that ilk.
In short I've lived a little but I'm damned if I know when and where to function without my "masks", but at least we know where to start with our diagnosis! The mystery of not knowing why we feel the way we do is gone!
Did you have friends from your mind teens? Other girls that wore a lot of makeup? So would you have needed it to fit in, to hide your differences, worn it because it is normal to Do so?
Do you know what the rest of your masks are?