Please help me understand!

PS: You said she feels pestered by questions -- just want to add that I didn't mean to suggest to "interrogate" her, nobody like's that. 

Good luck

Thank you both. I won't lie, I will find this hard, I didn't realise how difficult the English language is, with everyday phrases meaning something completely different to the words said! I will follow my own advice to her and re-read any post to her to ensure that it means what the words say.

Have just seen your post einsfallspinsel & thanks for your advice too.. I know some of the answers to the questions as I know what the FB group is about, but I'll make sure to ask the other questions too. I'll also speak to other members of the group so that there is more understanding, we are all nice people with a common interest, so there shouldn't be a problem with adjusting the way we interact with my friend.

best wishes for the future to you all.

It's nice that you ask and try to understand and be constant. Tip: Read about "Theory of Mind" and lack thereof. (en.wikipedia.org/.../Theory_of_mind)

The poem is suprisingly good, too. I think the term "wrong planet" sums it up pretty well: NTs suffer from the collective illusion that they all agree on what is obvious, even if their believes are objectively contradictory. Oversimplified, Aspies either actively debate these discrepancies, or silently watch "the madness unfold".

Having AS would be an explanation for confusing behaviour, but it's not an excuse for everything. It's "normal" for Aspies to get into misunderstandings, but it doesn't mean you "must" accept the misunderstanding and let her die in ignorance. Just be more explicit than with others, make no assumptions, and have patience.

I know an Aspie who jumps headfirst into drama and "T.M.I.", but she doesn't see it that way at all. I just let her talk, but others explained to her repeatedly that "this" upsets them and she should please stop "it". After they explained it to her 4 times, she toned "it" down, but she is not sure what is not-safe-for-work unless they tell her explicitly.

You wrote: "trying to incite negative reactions from members of a group although I'm unsure why."

Guess that's the next thing to find out, explicitly: What does she think she is doing? Why does she do it? Did she achieve her goal? What does she believe the others think she is doing? Is she aware they see it as incitement? Why is she angry? Is she aware of the others' anger? Why did she join this FB group in the first place, and why did the others join, and is there a clash? (I would like to ask such "obvious" questions, but I don't, because "obviousness" annoys people.)

Iwanttounderstand said:

Would you agree that the best that I would be able to do for her is to be a constant; say exactly what I mean, do what I say I will do, when I say I will?? And just be there?

Yes!

And, cudos for a) 'getting it' so quickly, and b) appearing to want to 'be there' for your friend.

Too many people just can't be bothered and walk away.

I wish I had a friend like you.

Thank you both for your replies. It has given me an insight into my friend's life which she has been unable to express herself. eg 'These are the rules but these rules change every other second depending on factors A to Z'. I am almost embarrassed at how much I take forgranted as a 'neurotypical'.

Would you agree that the best that I would be able to do for her is to be a constant; say exactly what I mean, do what I say I will do, when I say I will?? And just be there?

Thank you

Caretwo, your poem has given me something to think about!

NAS8954 said:

I can really relate to Scorpion0x17's comment:

"You neurotypicals make little to no sense to us, and, worst of all, try to bully and badger us in to being like you - something we simply can not do - and then interrogate us when we refuse."
Of course, not all neurotpyicals behave in that way.

True, I should have mentioned I was generalising grossly.

And, nice poem, caretwo - really sums up much of how I think and feel too!

Oh, and, @the OP: another thing I that's important to try to imagine is that on this alien planet no matter how much you try to figure out what the 'rules' by which the aliens operate are, they keep on doing things that appear to go counter to those rules, but in such a way that it's clear there are some other, non-obvious, rules by which they determine when and how to do this (a bit like, the saying 'no' when meaning 'yes' example that caretwo gave, but more general).

Imagine, if you can, being born, with a neurotypical human mind, on an alien world, and in an alien culture, where everyone thinks differently to you, expects you to conform to their way of thinking, and then bullies, and interrogates you when you can't.

Can you see that some people born into that situation might react the way your friend is reacting?

I hope so.

Because that, being born on an alien world, is kind of like what having Asperger's is like.

You neurotypicals make little to no sense to us, and, worst of all, try to bully and badger us in to being like you - something we simply can not do - and then interrogate us when we refuse.

You, and your neurotypical facebook friends, need to turn things around and ask yourselves "why do we do this?" and "why do we do that?" - why do you often not simply say what you mean, and what you think, why do you hide behind a tissue of lies and platitudes, for example?